Infidelity in romantic relationships is surprisingly quite common. Sure, some partners may use infidelity as an exit strategy, eventually wanting their partner to know so that their partner initiates a breakup.
While for some, however, hiding infidelity is a top priority. They want to keep their primary relationship partner. They also want to keep their extra-dyadic partner(s). The price of losing their primary relationship, in these cases, is quite high, so they turn to the hard task of hiding their infidelity, says Shivani Sadhoo.
People differ in how creative they are in hiding infidelity, and how much energy they put into stopping their primary partner from finding out their unfaithfulness.
The most commonly endorsed method to keeping an affair quiet is to be intentional about communications and meetings, to limit any scopes of being discovered.
Unusual behaviors might tip off a primary partner, so unfaithful partners will pay attention and bring their usual self to their interactions with their partner. No matter their usual way of interaction (for instance, as complainers, comedians, helpers, or cheerleaders), they keep that way going after their affair starts. By keeping their couple dynamic the same, they work to eradicate suspicion.
Restrict contact with the extra-dyadic partner
In place of seeing an extra-dyadic partner frequently, a person who wants to maintain their primary relationship (even as they wish to continue their affair) will willingly limit how often they meet up with their extra-dyadic partner. As a ploy of being discreet, attention to frequency lowers the likelihood of discovery.
Pay more attention to their primary partner
A presumed way to distract a primary partner so that they do not become suspicious is to shower them with interest, love, and attention. Being warmer and a lot more generous, for instance, are strategies partners may use to hide an affair.
Lock all technology
Solid evidence of a partner’s affair would not be difficult to come by with all of the recorded communications one relies on today (texting, emailing). Partners who do not delete, or who do delete but want additional safeguards, may make sure, and quite intentionally, lock their devices. Changing passwords, signing out of their social media—these sorts of behaviors are strategies to decrease the primary partner’s awareness.
A person usually knows his/her romantic partners quite well, and he/she, you. On account of this intimacy, unfaithful partners probably have an edge in covering their tracks. They may know which strategies and accompanying mechanisms are more important to use, and which may come off as artificial, suspicious, or alarming to their particular partner. In simple words, they can cater their deception to their primary partner.
Social media has been ruling everyone’s life, work and relationships for quite some time now. It has portrayed a series of positive and negative aspects in our relationships; certain people met their soulmates via social media while others divorced after finding out their significant other cheated on them via social media apps.
Shivani Sadhoo says, it is no surprise that social media has triggered a number of conflicts among people, particularly among married couples. So, let us find out the negative impacts of social media on married couples as pointed out by India’s eminent couples therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo in this blog.
There is no “us” time anymore
Scrolling through your social media app feed seems more interesting and engaging than talking and laughing with your loved one about your favourite TV show. The more time you spend on your phone, the more you will miss out on those little moments of happiness and fun you can have with your partner. Thus, this leaves you close to nil or little time for your partner.
Jealousy over other’s lives on social media
Jealousy is a quite negative emotion that can impact an individual in various conflicting ways. Couples who extensively use social media face issues of jealousy and over-possessiveness over online friends and activity. Higher social media activity with others can also strain your relationship with your loved one.
Self-esteem problems
No matter how much your significant other assures you of your beautiful self, you will still continue to drown in doubt and low self-esteem issues. Social media harmfully robs you of your confidence and esteem, leaving you to compare yourself to others and their projected perfect lives, and marriages. As a result, most people end up comparing their relationships or present status to the ones they see on social media, leading to bitter and unhappy marriages.
Increased probabilities of infidelity
A small chat or commenting on your ex-flame’s picture could spark signs of possible infidelity in your marriage. Studies indicate that the probabilities of people cheating over the virtual world or social media is quite high. Several partners have reportedly found their partners cheating on them via social media platforms.
Over sharing emotions
Several people vent out their frustration on social media by talking to an online friend about the problems that have been presently going on in their marriage. Sharing minor details of your marital conflicts is alright, but solely to an extent where it doesn’t involve you sharing every single piece of detail of your marriage with them. This eliminates all possibilities of open communication with your spouse because you end up relying on social media friends to vent out your problems.
Yet Very Stable Relationship According to Couples Therapist Shivani Sadhoo
Unluckily, relationship skills and self-care are never taught in school. Yet, these two aspects and life necessities can certainly have a huge effect on any person’s happiness and success in life.
And things become even worse, amidst the chaotic and hectic modern-day life, where most people don’t even have quality time for themselves. So, just imagine how those people can have time for others. And this is the case with several couples too, where they simply have no time to contribute anything to their relationship.
All, these later contribute to arguments, and quarrels, eventually leading to quitting the relationship. On the other hand, we have couples who even in the midst of all the chaos and dramas are living a dream-like relationship that is sometimes even hard to imagine, if that actually is possible. Relationship coach and couples counselor Shivani says, this is very much possible to have a loving and happy relationship.
In the process of life, several of us learn to hide our feelings, strengths, desires, and personal goals. If those are hidden from ourselves, we cannot show up as complete people in a relationship. Thus, taking time to look inside of yourself and visit the hidden areas of your feelings, experiences and desires help you to show up as a genuine and honest person.
Too many of you are taught by well-meaning figures to bury your feelings and to be ashamed of your dreams and to simply plain keep others happy. It never works in a relationship. So mostly as Shivani says she hears from couples: “I just do not know who he or she is. I get such mixed signals or no response at all about where we want to go together, in life.”
In knowing yourselves, you do know what you personally need to keep on your own pathway towards success and happiness and then you can communicate that to your partners. It all starts with yourself “Do what you love!”
Practicing self-care
Do you know the number of people who are simply plain burned out in life, lately? You have been tested in your abilities to survive and adapt during certain current tough challenges here in your life. Being the best version of yourself in a relationship means you know how to and you do all it takes to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
When you do not feel good, or you are too stressed or lack faith in yourself or in the future, you cannot be a good partner to anyone. You all know the steps to take for good self-care, but do you really practice these behaviors? As human beings, you need good sleep, exercise, healthy food, time outdoors in nature, adventures, and fun, constant learning, and a belief in something greater than yourself.
Whatever your religious or spiritual thought process may be, spending time with the practices will enhance your vibrational level and lead you to better self-care and creativity.
Communicating in a positive way
As in any relationship, differences will arise. And in fact, in relationships with the biggest differences, growth and deeper learning takes place in an attempt to relate to one another. So enjoy the differences and learn to try to understand each other and those differences.
If you can learn to converse from your heart rather than putting your partner on the defensive, overcoming differences and learning to be more open can truly be fun. For years you have been learning about “I statements.”
They are truly heart statements. Here is an instance. Your partner comes home late. A typical reaction would be a question like “Why are you so late while coming home?” The implication here is that the individual is in trouble or has misbehaved.
A heart statement would be “Oh I really miss having time with you and I get sad or worried when you reach home later than I expected.” Observe how the communication is about caring, about loving the other one instead of interrogating the partner.
Letting do-overs
When conflict and misunderstanding occur in a relationship, it is mostly difficult to practice positive communication. In those situations when buttons are being pushed harder and frustration or anger grows, take a break from the discussion.
During that break genuinely try to imagine what your partner is looking to communicate and where he or she is coming from. Then go back to your inner communication and approach with the aim of understanding, accepting, and loving the other person.
Any one of you can call a Do Over or a Break as things get even slightly heated. In calling a break, again bring this back to yourself with statements such as” I genuinely feel bad with how this is going and I wish to find a better way to understand and support you.
How about if we try the same discussion again when we both feel prepared?” There is so much respect and love in that manner of dealing with misunderstandings or differences.
Keeping passion and excitement alive
As you keep growing in your individual passions and your learning, you bring excitement into a relationship. This journey is meant for learning and growth and not retreating into comfort or any mundane.
Fear might create a desire to protect yourself from facing life’s tough challenges head-on. The only two fears everyone is born with are fear of falling and fear of loud noises. The remaining ones have learned fears. The good thing about learned fears is that you can unlearn those fears by facing them when that opportunity arises.
As you individually face your fears, you create adventure, fun, and stimulation in the relationship. The passion enhances in response to those behaviors. Words such as “this is interesting” or “challenge accepted” can help assist you in your self-talk as you take on the challenges life gives you. Think of the energy you bring home to the relationship as you keep moving ahead in life and following your dreams.
As you could see, the best relationships need self-focus and an honoring of your true selves. Then when you show up to your partner an incredibly positive and fulfilling relationship will take place.
Watch Out for the Red and Green Flags of Dating – Shares Couples Therapist Shivani Sadhoo
Getting to know someone actually you really like is a wonderful experience. You feel as if you will conquer the whole world. You stay up the entire night getting to know that special person and daydreaming about when you may see them again. And there is a nice reason for this.
Human beings are designed to bond with other humans. When you date, oxytocin is released into your brain. This helps you to bond. Dopamine releases to make you feel happy and elated when in the presence of your special person.
Due to this, you are not necessarily seeing clearly. You seem to minimize or completely ignore the bad and maximize the good. When you opt for something that does not feel right or a characteristic you do not like, you perhaps justify it or explain it away. This is the reason it is hard to recognize red flags at the initial stages of your relationship. Your body form does not want you to.
Fortunately, there is certainly research on what makes certain couples the “masters” and others the “disasters” of relationships. Relationship counselor Shivani believes you can use it as early as the first date to begin paying attention to whether or not you wish to continue with the other person.
So what actually makes a couple a “disaster”? One of the top predictors of that is the utilization of something according to Dr. John Gottman who called “The Four Horsemen,” which is a play about the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” coming to indicate the end of times.
The Four Horsemen basically are:
Criticism – Describing flaws in character within your partner
Defensiveness – Not taking responsibility for your part
Contempt – Belittling and taking a superior position
Stonewalling – Shutting out your partner or shutting down
You can begin to notice whether or not these are visible in your relationship even in the initial phases. What may look like?
Criticism
If a person that you are dating, often criticizes you or other people, you may notice them saying words such as “always” or “never.” For instance, “you are always very late” or “you never think about me at night!”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness seems like counter-criticizing, over-explaining, or justifying actions, or playing the victim. If you are dating and bring up an issue that you have and the other individual responds defensively, that could be something to watch out for. It might look like them saying, “I know I keep showing up late but I truly have a very busy job. Why do not you get that?”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is mostly the outcome of physiological overwhelm. This means the individual that is stonewalling perhaps has a racing heart and a rush of stress hormones. If you are with someone who is stonewalling, it will appear as if the other individual is zoned out or could not care less about what you are saying. You may experience this during the starting conflict. Probably the other person goes disappeared or is offline and becomes unresponsive.
Contempt
This one is quite important to watch out for. Contemptuous is the most damaging of the horsemen. Contempt seems when someone holds on a position of superiority. It could sound like put-downs or mean-spirited sarcasm.
Other instances of contempt are laughing at you (not with you), putting down your own interests or profession, or taking on a position of being better than you in a certain capacity. If someone shows contempt in the initial stages of dating, this is one big red flag. So now that you have looked at what you need to avoid, let us look at what you need to look for.
Green flags
Fortunately, it did not just stop with studying the disasters of relationships. There was an attempt to know what it was the masters did differently. In the research, Dr. Gottman found the antidotes to the Four Horsemen, which are counteractive behaviors for each of the above.
When you are in the process to know someone, look for them. It is a good sign they can manage conflict and show you respect, even while you differ.
Gentle Start-up
Instead of becoming critical, the masters of relationships discuss their problems and complaints by initiating the conversation gently. They also look to follow a formula of “I noticed this, I feel that, I need this” when discussing what is troubling them, instead of being accusatory “You always do this, you need to do that, why don’t you…“
Responsibility taking
Rather than being defensiveness, you want to take proper responsibility for your part. It means that you own even the tiniest piece of the problem when it is there. Individuals who take responsibility listen to their partner when they have a problem, validate the issues, and take pause prior to responding.
This could sound like one partner saying, “Hey, I have noticed that when we go out with your friends, I am left all alone in the corner. I feel truly awkward in those moments. I require you to stay by my side a bit more until I get to know them” (a gentle start-up). In turn, the other individual responds non-defensively by saying, “You are correct. I should not walk away from you like that. I can imagine it is uneasy when you don’t know everyone yet.”
Self-soothing
Everyone gets upset. It is human to have overwhelming emotions momentarily. However, those that do well in relationships seem to take responsibility for soothing themselves and they have partners who are willing to let them take the time they want to self-soothe. It means that when someone needs a break, they take it and the other individual provides them space.
Contempt
To overcome contempt, the individual expressing it requires to lean into recognizing and expressing their own feelings. They perhaps also need to explore their earlier experiences that are leading them to feel anger or hostility toward their partner. Rather than showing contempt and saying “I cannot believe you are late. You disgust me,” a partner who can properly express themselves may say, “When you are late, I feel so upset.”
The conclusion
The initiation of the relationship is full of happy hormones that want you to bond (and mate) with your newfound significant other. Learning to identify the signs of a healthy partner can assist you to override some of those hormones and see a little more clearly.
Watch out for people who are critical, defensive, withdrawn, and contemptuous. The use of these conducts doesn’t imply that you should not be in a relationship with them, but it actually means you need to get curious regarding how they respond when you set boundaries around those sorts of behaviors.
Eventually, you want a partner who is gentle with you (even when you are upset), able to take responsibility for his or her actions (even when it’s difficult), works with you to soothe your emotional systems, and own your past pain and resentment so that he or she don’t inflict it upon you.
Reveals Couples Therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo what defines intimacy between couples
According to The Oxford English Dictionary intimacy has been defined as the “inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or impacting one’s inmost self: closely personal.”
While couples therapist Shivani Sadhoosays, from a psychological or relationship’s view intimacy generally, denotes mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing. It is mostly present in close, loving relationships like in marriages and friendships. The word is also at times used to refer to sexual interactions, but intimacy does not have to be restricted to be sexual only.
Though intimacy could undoubtedly exist beyond romantic relationships, it most usually pertains to dating and marriage. The word intimacy has been derived from Latin word “intimus,” which means ‘inner’ or ‘innermost. In the majority of romance languages, the word intimate refers to an individual’s innermost qualities.
Intimacy lets people bond with each other on multiple levels. Therefore, it is a mandatory component of healthy relationships.
Upon hearing the word, most of you perhaps instantly jumped to thinking about physical intimacy, but other forms of intimacy are simply as important, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships. Let’s have a look at some different kinds of intimacy.
Physical intimacy
While holding a hand or hugging are both examples of physical intimacy, this form is most commonly used in reference to sex. And while sex is integral in relationships, you can also showcase physical intimacy through kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and skin-to-skin contact.
While these minor physical displays of affection might seem mundane, they can actually help you and your partner cultivate a feeling of bonding and closeness.
With reference to sex, a part of intimacy is also about feeling safe enough with your partner to share your likes and dislikes. Make certain that you are asking for the same piece of information from your partner. In this manner, you can facilitate a safe haven where both of you will feel comfortable sharing your deepest thoughts, needs, and desires.
Emotional
Emotional intimacy can also be one of the most vital aspects of a relationship. One specific journal defined emotional intimacy as involving “a perception of closeness to another that lets sharing of personal feelings, accompanied through expectations of understanding, affirmation, and demonstrations of caring.
To harvest emotional intimacy, take the proper time to listen to and share with your partner every day. Also, make notes of special moments or things that remind you of your special one so that you can let them know you are also thinking about them.
Studies have suggested that self-disclosure helps build feelings of intimacy inside marriages, which will make your bond even stronger. A big part of it is sharing your thoughts and feelings with transparency, honesty, and listening to your loved ones when they do the same.
Experiential
While couples do not have to be joined at the hip, shared experiences are essential in healthy relationships. They are also mostly the way that relationships start, so experiences could even add an aspect of nostalgia for long-term partners.
If you are looking to deepen your experiential intimacy, this is an excellent moment to book a trip or try out a fun new date spot or activity in your city. Try to learn something new with regard to your partner.
Intellectual
See, you do not have to watch a specific TV show together every single night, but it could be fun to have intellectual conversations with your significant other, mainly if you work in different fields. Find new topics to discuss; simple website searches pull up tons of conversation starters.
If you put good effort into having conversations beyond the everyday monotony, it will keep things fresh within your relationship.
Spiritual
While this could be referring to religious ideas and beliefs, it also means something way more profound, such as sharing actual beliefs and values. Your values and beliefs could align with religion or even general health and wellness. Regardless, it is necessary to share these vital aspects of your life with your partner.
This could also be an opportunity for you and your partner to talk about what role you exactly want spirituality to play in your lives if you have a family.
Methods to form intimacy
Not an issue of how long you two have been together, it is always important to develop your intimacy levels. Here are certain simple, practical methods to enhance and expand your levels of intimacy in your relationship:
If you are not in the mood or are extremely exhausted from having sex or even talking, cuddle on the couch.
Plan for a trip to a place neither of you has earlier been to. It is fun to experience new things for the first time.
Keep aside the gadgets even if it is only during a meal or while you and your partner watch a show together. Rather, make certain to do this if your partner is talking to you about their day or a specific experience.
While listening to your partner, make yourself completely emotionally present to them. If you at all cannot manage to do this when they are talking to you, calmly explain your case why and then set aside a specific time in the future to listen to what they have to say.
Send each other articles so that both of you can have fun and something new to discuss. This also assists in building intellectual intimacy, and it could provide you a much-required mental break if you have kids, or a caregiver to another loved one in the extended family.
Some of the biggest Mistakes Couples Commit Before They Get Married Explains Couples Therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo
So, you could only talk about all the great things that come along with your marriage, or you can be realistic and prepare yourself with what you really require to make your marriage last and successful yep, you could be in an extremely different world and walk around wearing rose-colored glasses. But divorces yet happen.
Then there is a new generation who are actually realistic about their marriage and up for the challenge to do what it takes to make the marriage one that they can be proud of and really enjoy.
Couples Therapist Shivani Sadhoo concedes that in her career as a therapist she had the honor of stepping into people’s relationships and supporting them to connect a few dots that had been left out post the marriage. She further adds that she has witnessed the ups and downs rights and lefts and crossroads in between.
Here are very common mistakes that couples commit before they got married that eventually turned out to be the cause of their separation or divorce. Through this blog India’s eminent couples therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo is going to share these mistakes, further hoping that you will be different and have a better probability as a couple.
Getting married because of all the “wrong” reasons
Indeed it is the bitter truth, but the reality is several couples simply dive into the marriage because of certain or several wrong reasons. Depending upon each individual and also couples.
Some of the listed examples are:
You feel pressurised due to friends, family, relatives, and yourself or get an ultimatum from your partner if in a relationship.
You have been dating for quite some time and it’s simply time.
Your friends or peers have kids, now you wish to have kids
Compare yourself to friends, and acquaintances and do not want to get old and be the sole one not married.
You think you are all alone, and for simply that you need a partner.
Another bitter reality is that certain individuals simply want to get married so that they can enjoy physical gratification.
Do not know themselves completely
The most essential relationship you will ever have is the sole one you have with yourself. If you do not take the time to get to know yourself completely, your values, your passions, your limitations, and your deal breakers, your challenges, or complexities how could you ever share them with your partner?
One of the most crucial things you need to do in an attempt to make your marriage work successfully is to know yourself fully and be able to articulate your needs, desires and wants to your spouse in a manner they understand and want to provide them to you.
Lapsing while discussing goals
You are either able to let your marriage happen to you or you can make it happen the manner you want it to be developing goals and a vision that you can both get equally excited about. Having goals not just provides a common passion for you to work on together as a team, but it also lends excitement to your relationship since, you now have things to look ahead to.
Getting too clouded by the thought of a wedding
Alright, you cannot leave out the wedding. True, it is all quite exciting and has its own place in the process. Simply, do not make it the sole thing you think about. Make it awesome, but do not allow reality to subside in an effort to get into a flower and cake fantasy story. Doing that has the strength to blind you to the ground realities that will come along with being a new wife or husband.
Never do some sort of preparation and actually investigate and educate themselves
Certain research indicates that merely twelve marriage preparation sessions lower your odds of divorce by close to 50%. Also, there is a marriage movement going on where marriage coaches, educators, and experts everywhere are giving ridiculous amounts of information, tips, and skills for engaged couples to support and prepare for their marriage. In fact, there are couples who say they’d never have an unsupervised marriage.
When you get ready and have someone to assist you to navigate and negotiating, it makes things a lot better and easier. You know as they say, “work smarter, not harder!” It also fits for marriage. Now there is no excuse, since, the information is out there. You will not go swimming or drive a car without learning how correct? So why would you even commit to a life of something that too with someone without learning how? Never do it.
Do not ask relevant and sufficient questions
Asking questions beforehand and the most essentially relevant question in your relationship is one of the most vital and inexpensive ways to form a solid foundation for your marriage. Talking regarding roles, household responsibilities, finances, in-laws, social activities, intimacy, sex, and various other important topics can create a world of a difference in the future of your marriage.
Hopefully, you will learn from the mistakes of several others who have taken the path you are about to initiate. Remember though, a mistake is not MANDATORILY a bad thing. In an attempt to truly experience love in its purest manner, you should be willing to take risks. If you never take any sort of risk, you would never commit any “mistakes.”
And if you never do any mistakes then you will never learn about the proper way to do things for yourself and subsequently for your partner. So embrace life and never beat yourself up if you make an error, simply make certain you learn something from it to take ahead with you.
No doubt that marriages never work on a fixed formula, but being prepared and doing the right things at the right time can certainly save plenty of heartaches.
Leading Couples Therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo decodes the impact of our anxieties and sadness on our relationships and she reveals how counseling can help to rejuvenate the marriages
Anxiety and depression destroy relationships because they make a problem-causing cycle between two individuals trying to be together meaningfully. Both depression and anxiety can exterminate that meaning and replace it with mistrust. This forms relationship dissatisfaction, which in turn could exacerbate mental health struggles.
The bigger and stronger anxiety and depression get, the more stress engulfs the positives in a relationship. The vicious cycle continues until anxiety and depression end the relationship. This is not guaranteed, however. You can do things to support your mental health and your relationship, says Shivani Sadhoo.
How do anxiety and depression impact relationships?
One of the strongest contributing factors to the vicious cycle of depression, anxiety, and romantic relationship distress is perspective. How you view and interpret people and circumstances greatly impacts your relationship. One of the issues with depression and anxiety is that they engulf and darken perspectives. In a relationship, this jagged perception can do quite a bit of damage, like:
Corrupt thoughts and making negative thinking patterns are the go-to methods of interpreting the relationship and partner.
Making negative emotions about issues magnified by anxiety or depression.
Making hurtful misunderstandings and misinterpretations of words, body language, and conduct.
Enhanced negative beliefs, including dissatisfaction with each other and the overall relationship.
When a person experiences depression, anxiety, or both, their clouded perceptions start to influence their actions in their relationship. Negative thoughts and emotions could be hurtful and frustrating, but on their own, they are not enough to damage a relationship. It is when they start to impact choices and actions that a hole in a relationship turns into a deep chasm. You may notice some of these problems or similar ones in yourself, your spouse, and your relationship:
You do not connect because you or your partner are afraid of intimacy.
You do not connect since you or your partner is too exhausted.
You constantly argue, bicker, and blame because of irritability and anger created by either anxiety or depression.
One or both of you has withdrawn, so you are no longer present together in the relationship.
Sexual affection and tender moments have ended.
One or both of you has given up other friendships and interests, creating isolation, guilt, and resentment (when one of the partners does this due to depression and anxiety, it negatively influences the other).
Criticism starts to replace caring words.
Depression, anxiety, and relationships are a lethal combination. Two caring entities who were once in love can become exhausted and disappointed. This could destroy any relationship. That is the worst news. The great news is that if you live with anxiety and depression, your relationship is not automatically doomed.
How to help relationships being damaged due to depression and anxiety
Anxiety, depression, and relationships go to and fro together. While this could be problematic when the cycle goes down into the deep chasm that has happened in your relationship, this associated movement provides a wonderful opportunity to help and heal.
Remember that negative cycle of depression, anxiety, and relationship dissatisfaction and distress? You are able to turn that same cycle into a positive one. By acting, even in a little manner, in one aspect you simultaneously support the others. When you and your significant one do things to reduce anxiety or depression, they both improve.
As these mental health struggles lose strength bit by bit, your perception regarding your relationship shifts. You are able to witness it more positively. Then that healthier relationship helps anxiety and depression.
One of the most essential ways to help depression, anxiety, and your relationship is for you and your partner to fully reconnect with each other.
If you have ever been the victim of infidelity, the first thing you probably asked was, “why?” The outcomes of infidelity are numerous, and it is just natural to seek to know why your partner opts to cheat, even if knowing why does not bring you any relief. There might be any number of reasons, and there are several kinds of infidelity and cheating that could shed some light on those reasons, opines Shivani.
Infidelity, or cheating, is an act of being unfaithful to your partner. It usually, means engaging in sexual or romantic relations with another person other than his or her significant other, damaging a commitment or promise in the act.
Each instance of infidelity is different and fulfills a distinct need. Even though knowing why a partner cheated probably would not lessen any pain or anger you feel, being capable to rationalize the behavior and define it will allay some confusion. It could also help you feel more confident in terms of how to move forward from the situation, whether that means working on healing your relationship or moving on or should you decide to split up.
Opportunistic infidelity happens when one person is in love and attached to their partner, but succumbs to their sexual urge and desire for someone else. Generally, this sort of cheating is driven through situational circumstances or opportunity, risk-taking conduct. Shivani says not every act of infidelity is premeditated and forced by dissatisfaction with a current relationship. Perhaps, two individuals were drinking or in some other manner thrown into an opportunity they never anticipated.
Post the fact, the more in love a person is with their significant other, the more guilt they will feel as a result of their physical encounter. However, feelings of guilt seem to fade as the fear of being caught abates.
Obligatory infidelity
This sort of infidelity is formed on the fear that resisting someone’s sexual advances will have an outcome in rejection. People might have feelings of sexual longing, love, and attachment for a partner, but still, end up cheating since they have a strong requirement for approval. Also, their need for approval could cause them to act in a manner that is at odds compared to their other feelings. In simple words, some people cheat, not due to the fact they want to cheat, but because they require the approval that comes besides having the attention of others.
Commemorative Infidelity
This kind of infidelity happens when a person is in a committed relationship but has no feelings for their other half. There is no sexual desire, love, or attachment, just a sense of obligation to keep the couple together. Lacking love and lacking commitment to a present romantic partner are both linked to general feelings of relationship dissatisfaction.
These kinds of people justify cheating by telling themselves they have every right to look for what they are not availing of in their present relationship. Unfulfilled sexual needs could easily come into play here. Perhaps, in their established relationship, individuals are not engaging in the frequency of sex, the pattern of sex, or certain sexual behaviors that they aspire to. This could contribute to their logic to cheat.
Romantic Infidelity
At times (but not always) a deficit in a present relationship leads people to have extradyadic affairs. This sort of infidelity happens when the cheater has a small emotional attachment to their partner. They might be committed to their marriage and making it work, but they desire an intimate, loving connection with someone else.
More than possibly, their commitment to the marriage will stop them from ever leaving their spouse. Romantic infidelity means agony for the other man or woman and the cheating partner, rarely does it go into a long-term, committed relationship. Marital issues have to be quite severe prior to a spouse will leave the marriage for another individual.
Conflicted Romantic Infidelity
This happens when people experience true love and sexual desire for more than one individual at a time. Despite the idealistic notion of having just one true love, it is possible to feel intense romantic love for several people at the same time. While such scenarios are emotionally possible, they are quite complicated and seem to create plenty of anxiety and stress. In this scenario, cheating partners, in their effort not to cause anyone harm, mostly end up hurting everyone.
What to do after being cheated on
Now that whatever confusion you have hopefully been assuaged, it is up to you to decide what kind of steps to take next. Several marriages and relationships can survive infidelity, but whether or not yours will survive depends on what sort of infidelity took place and how much work you are both willing to put in. It is simply common sense to know that an opportunistic or a habitual cheater will cheat irrespective of how many times their cheating has been discovered and forgiven. Having said that any other reasons why your partner cheated do not mean they would not cheat again, so bear that in mind while deciding what steps to take next.
Hardly a couple of years went into their marriage when Avantika and Rohan (not real names) were thinking about getting a divorce. Avantika was pondering where she went wrong. She analysed back the last couple of years of her marital life and the destruction of her first marriage and then how she met another man named Vishal (name changed) after some time post her divorce. Like Avantika, Vishal too was divorced and they found comfort and distraction both in each other’s company, which eventually turned into likeliness for each other.
Then, suddenly Avantika was feeling as if she had moved on too quickly, and more importantly, has she been able to completely heal from her last broken relationship prior to jumping into the next.
She posed a question to her and also to me when she came for the counseling, says Shivani Sadhoo. The question was “does she completely need to heal before initiating a new relationship”?
The process of grief and healing
Shivani says first, one needs to delve deeper into the question. What do you mean by healing? Does anyone ever “fully” heal? How can one know when they are ready to begin again?
Grief is a cluster of emotions one experiences when one loses someone with whom they had emotional attachments. The feelings one has when grieving is usual, but the majority of the time, they are unpleasant. People look to want them to go away. What requires to be understood though is that these feelings have a reason. Sadness assists you to step away from others and see inward. It presents you with time to analyze yourself and come to realities with your own responsibilities and mistakes. It lends you time to think about the future you wish for and to gradually take steps forward.
There are other feelings while you grieve. Anger is a potent emotion that helps one make changes, but it mostly becomes a source of bonding that could cause problems. Grieving people could join with one another in a relationship formed on their anger at their ex-partners and rapidly bond over that commonality. These relationships may grow fast and feel very powerful, but they require much more than simply shared anger as a basis.
William Worden in his book “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy” talks of recovery as a four-step First, you should accept the reality of the loss and start to see the opportunities for a new future. Secondly, one needs to feel the feelings of loss. This is the step majorly avoided but it is necessary. Third, you should adjust to the facts of life without the other. The fourth process is letting go of the lost partner and searching for a new, meaningful relationship. These new relationships may be romantic or they could be something else.
Last thought
How much time does it take? People attempt to put a time frame on this procedure, but it’s difficult to measure things in that manner. You might never feel “totally healed.” If you wait for that, you might never move ahead. How do you get to know you are healed enough? When are you actually ready? When the feelings of sadness and loss start to lift when one is alone with their thoughts, and their imagination begins accepting thoughts of a brighter future… one is starting to get there.
Humans are emotional beings who always crave love, care, respect, and support.
Friends and family are important, but you all yearn to have that special someone in your life who would love you unconditionally and be by your side, no matter what goes wrong.
The support of your partner in the lowest moments can help you boost your confidence to another level. However, arduous a situation is, a supportive partner’s presence can make you believe that everything will be alright.
Being a supportive partner feels like an essential part of a relationship, but some people might not know the best methods to be a supportive husband, wife, or significant other.
There are different types of support in a relationship, as well as several vital reasons for supporting your partner or significant other, says Shivani.
What does it actually mean to be a supportive partner?
There is no clear example of what it means to be a supportive partner. The idea of being supportive that holds for you may or may not work for another.
Eventually, having a supportive partner means that your needs, and desires are met in the relationship, whatever these could be.
One method to know you have a supportive spouse or that you are supportive in a relationship is to look at the idea of choice. Here they are:
A supportive partner lets their significant other make choices
A supportive partner is the one who is encouraging
Supportive partner also means making your significant other feel important and respected
Being supportive in a relationship is quite vital because it is one of the most important aspects of developing a relationship. Having a supportive partner lets a person cope with challenges in life. While also having a partner who supports your dreams allows you to become the finest version of yourself.
Signs of a supportive partner
Supporting a partner may look different in every relationship, but there are some subtle and strong signs that prove one is a supportive wife or a husband.
Active listening is important for the well functioning of an intimate relationship. Responsive listening needs you to be actively interested and participate in the conversation. You can do them by taking some time to ask questions and post-listening to them so that you can actually understand your partner’s views.
Be empathetic
It needs you to place yourself in your spouse’s shoes. For example, if your partner is venting about a bad day at work, just think about how you may have felt if you had an issue at the workplace with a co-worker and wanted to talk about it to someone.
Communicate to your spouse often that you two are a team
When things get difficult, be certain to communicate to your spouse that you two are a team and a union. Express that you wish to remain supportive of each other.
Give time to discuss your partner’s dreams and aspirations
Take some time to sit with your partner and talk about their dreams, hopes, goals, and aspirations. It shows your partner that you support them in growing and becoming the best version of themselves.
Provide your partner some time to cool off or relax by themselves
If your partner comes home from work and appears stressed or just not in the mood to talk, recognize the fact and provide them some alone time to unwind, by not taking it personally.
Appreciate your spouse
From time to time praise your partner for their accomplishments and let them know that you appreciate the things they do for you.
Practice little, thoughtful acts
You can practice small and thoughtful acts. Like doing the extra household chores which are usually done by your partner daily or if you are going out take out your partner’s car to fill the fuel or take it to the car wash.
Avoid talking to your spouse out of their feelings
You might be uncomfortable with your partner’s unpleasant emotions but telling them not to be upset could go a long way and make them feel unsupported.
Let your partner do the things their own way
Your partner may occasionally do something different from what you do, but by chastising them, you only show a lack of support. So, rather than criticizing or correcting them simply accept the way they do things.
