Aditi, 38, and Samar, 42,
sat on opposite ends of the couch during their first couples counselling
session. When I ask them about some of the obstacles, they are facing in their
5-year marriage, Aditi opened up about why she wanted to meet with me.
Like Aditi and Samar, many of the couples
that I work with in my clinic have feelings of mistrust when it comes to facing
daily life challenges initial years are always challenging and often it has a
lot of things to do with trust.
Aditi said Samar has been cold-shouldering
her ever since she spent without his consent and was unhappy with the billings.
Even though it was strictly for her own business.
Trust is an Important Aspect of Intimacy
Aditi knows that her emotional sensitivity
makes it hard for her to open up to Samar and increase her fear of being hurt
or left alone by him. She strives to be clear with Samar about finances but
struggles to do it because she does not feel secure in her relationship with him.
After going through a difficult divorce, Aditi has trust issues and describes
how she is fearing of losing Samar.
Although Aditi does not believe she was
overspending on her business, she also understands that withholding financial
information is building mistrust and damaging her marriage.
Then Samar said, I do not always want to talk
things through, but it does not mean I do not love Aditi. She feels insecure
and wants me to reassure her every time that I will be there for her and she
needs to understand that I am not going to leave her as her ex-husband did.
When she gets mistrustful, her voice tone changes, and she mostly threatens to
Then Aditi responded, things do not always go
well when we disagree. When we have issues, Samar does not normally want to
talk about it. And I have an issue because my ex-partner also gave me the
silent treatment and then left after saying that he wanted a divorce. I feel
dejected and rejected when Samar goes into his shell, but I am learning to let
go of my old baggage and provide him space.
So, what can they do now?
Learning to trust each other
One of the toughest things about trusting
someone is learning to have faith in your own judgment. Trust is about a lot
more than finding signs that your partner has been dishonest. It is about
believing that they have your best interests in their heart.
Every person is born with the ability to trust others but due to life experiences, you may have become less trusting as a form of self-defense. Falling in love and getting married can be uplifting and scary all at once. An incapability to trust a new partner can take several forms, from feeling they are dishonest or secretive, to doubting they are going to keep their promises or be fallible.
Take a moment to think about this. Your
partner is not alone responsible for creating mistrustful feelings. In the
majority of the cases, you should take equal responsibility for making an
atmosphere of safety and security in your relationship. In order to start the
process of overcoming mistrust, ask yourself:
· What is
the story that you are narrating yourself?
· Do you
fear of loss and abandonment cloud your perspective and cause you to overreact
to your partner’s actions?
· Is your
mistrust coming from something that is really happening in the present, or is
it related to your past?
· Do you
feel comfortable asking for what you need and allowing yourself to be
· Do you
bring your best self to your interactions with your partner?
· Do you
possess self-love and allow yourself to be loved and respected?
Several relationships are damaged by
self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe your partner will harm you, you can
unconsciously boost hurts to emerge in your relationship. But gradually, if you
learn to operate from a viewpoint that your partner loves you and desires the
best for you, you can enjoy trust in your marriage.
Here are 7 ways to proactively build trust in
Identify your feelings and practice being
vulnerable in minor steps
Develop confidence in being open with your
partner. Discussing small issues like schedules and meals is a good place to
begin before handling bigger matters like disciplining kids and finances.
Be honest and discuss about key issues in
Be certain to be forthcoming regarding
finances, your past, and issues with a family member, co-workers, or kids. Do
not sweep vital issues under the rug since this can lead to resentment.
Challenge mistrustful thoughts
Ask yourself, is your lack of trust due to
your partner’s actions, your own insecurities, or both? Be aware of unresolved
problems from your past relationships that could be triggering mistrust in the
Believe in your intuition and instincts
Have faith in your own perceptions and give
attention to red flags. Be prone and ask for reassurance if you feel
Think your partner has good intentions
If he/she lets you down, it could just be
failure incompetence at times people simply make a mistake.
Listen to your partner’s side of the case
Believe that there are honest and genuine
people in the world. Unless you have a valid reason to mistrust him/her, have
faith in your partner.
Practice having a recovery conversation post
Take a little break if you
feel overwhelmed and flooded and set a timeline to process what happened. This
will provide you both time to calm down and analyse your thoughts so you can
have a more meaningful conversation with your partner.
For a relationship to succeed in the longer
course, you should be able to trust each other. Building trust with a partner
is actually about the small moments of connection that lets you to feel safe
and to truly believe that your partner will be there up for you. It is the
bedrock of a happy, long term partnership.
An important part of my work with Aditi and
Samar focused on facilitating conversations between them that assisted to
rebuild trust and affirm their commitment to each over time.
For example, Samar was able to be vulnerable
and apologize for giving Aditi the silent treatment, which triggered her
feelings of being mistrust and insecurity. Rather than telling her, she was too
needy, he started responding to her bids for connection quite often. Luckily,
Aditi gave Samar a sincere apology for her monetary infidelity linked to
expenditures for her business, and she promised to practice complete disclosure
in the future.
In the end, Aditi said, it was not expected
when Samar was willing to listen to her side of the story and not throw out
blame. I made an error and was willing to accept it for my actions but he did
not rub it in or make me feel guilty than I already did. It feels like we can
start again now that I have apologized and made a promise to be more open with
Samar. I understand that I am fortunate that Samar forgave me.
You have the ability to shackle free from the
hold that mistrust has on your relationship and make the kind of intimacy you
**To keep the confidentiality intact the names of the clients have been changed.
Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo
I am Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo, I am an experienced and certified counselling psychologist, Gottman Method Certified Couples Therapist and works with eminent Hospitals in Delhi. I have helped over 17,000 couples and individuals, both in India and abroad, and helped them to solve their relationship issues, communication difficulties, and intimacy issues and rejuvenate their marital life.
I also have specialization in the area of Personal Crisis interventions like coping-up with Separation and Divorce, Domestic and Child and Adolescent issues, Depression, Stress, Loss, and Grief. I am currently working with India’s top hospital groups like IBS Hospital New Delhi (Institute of Brain & Spine) and with Express Clinics. I am also a Level 3 Trained Gottman Method Certified Couples Therapist.
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Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.