Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Relationship Expert’s Direct Answer Summary

• Missing someone does not mean they were good for you.
• You may be craving connection, validation, or closure.
• Judge the relationship by patterns, not only memories.

It can be confusing to miss someone who hurt you. You may know that the relationship was unhealthy, remember the moments when you felt disrespected, and still find yourself thinking about that person or wanting them back. This does not necessarily mean you made the wrong decision by leaving.

Emotional attachment does not disappear simply because someone treated you badly. Feelings, memories, hopes, and unresolved emotions can remain long after a relationship has ended. Understanding why this happens can help you separate genuine compatibility from emotional attachment, shares Shivani Misri Sadhoo who is an eminent marriage counselor in Delhi.

Why Do You Still Desire Someone Who Hurt You?

One reason is that the mind does not process a relationship only through its negative experiences. You may remember the affection, attention, chemistry, laughter, or moments when the person made you feel special alongside the painful experiences.

When positive and negative experiences exist together, it can become difficult to make sense of the relationship. You may intellectually understand that the person was not good for you while emotionally continuing to crave the connection.

“You can deeply desire someone and still recognise that being with them is not good for you.” Says, couples and relationship counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

Can Intermittent Attention Make Attachment Stronger?

Yes. When affection and rejection alternate unpredictably, the emotional experience can become particularly difficult to let go of.

Periods of warmth, attention, apologies, or affection may create hope that the relationship will return to its better moments. When that attention disappears again, you may find yourself wanting it even more.

This cycle can make emotional attachment feel stronger than it would in a consistently healthy relationship.

Are You Missing the Person or the Feeling They Gave You?

Sometimes, what you miss is not necessarily the individual but how you felt when things were good.

You may miss feeling wanted, attractive, understood, important, or emotionally connected. You may also miss the future you imagined with that person.

Recognising this difference can be important. Missing a feeling does not automatically mean that reconnecting with the person is the right decision.

Why Do You Remember the Good Moments More?

After a relationship ends, the mind can selectively focus on emotionally powerful memories. A few happy moments may suddenly seem more significant than the repeated experiences that caused pain.

Nostalgia can also soften difficult memories. You might remember a romantic conversation, a special trip, or a loving gesture while temporarily overlooking the disrespect, inconsistency, or emotional distress that accompanied the relationship.

This can create an idealised version of the person in your mind.

Does Unfinished Emotional Business Keep You Attached?

Unresolved questions can keep emotional attachment alive. You may wonder why they changed, whether they ever truly loved you, whether you could have done something differently, or whether the relationship could have worked under different circumstances.

The desire for an explanation can sometimes keep you emotionally connected to someone even when the relationship itself was damaging.

Closure, however, does not always come from the other person. Sometimes it comes from accepting what the relationship showed you and deciding what you will no longer accept.

Can Low Self-Worth Influence This Desire?

When someone has repeatedly experienced criticism, rejection, or inconsistent affection, they may begin questioning their own worth.

They may unconsciously believe that winning the person’s love or approval would prove that they were good enough. This can turn the desire for reconciliation into a desire for validation.

A healthy relationship should not require you to earn basic respect or repeatedly prove your worth.

Why Does Letting Go Feel Like Losing?

Ending an unhealthy relationship can involve grieving more than the person. You may also be grieving the future you imagined, the relationship you hoped it would become, and the version of the person you believed they could be.

That grief can make separation feel like a mistake, even when leaving was necessary.

Allowing yourself to grieve does not mean you should return. It means acknowledging that something emotionally significant has ended.

How Can You Understand What You Really Want?

Instead of asking only, “Do I still love this person?”, consider asking yourself what you actually want from the relationship.

Would you want the relationship exactly as it was, including the behaviour that hurt you? Or do you want the version of the relationship you hoped it could become?

Looking honestly at patterns rather than isolated memories can help you make a clearer decision.

When Should You Avoid Reconnecting?

Strong feelings are not necessarily evidence that a relationship is healthy. If the person repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, manipulates you, emotionally harms you, or shows no meaningful willingness to change, desire alone should not determine whether you reconnect.

Healthy relationships require respect, emotional safety, accountability, consistency, and mutual effort.

If a relationship involves abuse or you feel unsafe, prioritise your safety and seek support from someone you trust or a qualified professional.

Desiring someone who treated you badly does not make you weak or irrational. Emotional attachment can survive disappointment, rejection, and even painful relationship experiences.

The important question is not simply whether you still want the person. It is whether the relationship, as it actually existed, was capable of giving you the respect, safety, consistency, and care you deserve.

Sometimes moving forward begins when you stop confusing intense feelings with a healthy connection.

Summary

• Delulu in love means getting carried away by romantic fantasies and seeing deeper meaning in small gestures.
• A little optimism can make dating feel exciting, but ignoring red flags, rejection, or one-sided effort can become unhealthy.
• Enjoy the butterflies, but stay connected to reality and pay attention to genuine communication and mutual effort.

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Falling in love is magical. It always has been. But what we call that magic, and how we experience it, has changed with the times. Once upon a time, love was all about handwritten letters, stolen glances, long waits by the telephone and the innocent belief that one special person could make all the difference.

Today, love comes with dating apps, texting, Instagram, Situationships and an entirely new vocabulary for matters of the heart. And now, Gen Z has given romance yet another twist, turning what was once simply used as slang into a playful way of describing the wonderfully irrational side of falling in love. It is called ‘Delulu’.

So, Are You Delulu In Love? Eminent couples therapist, in Delhi, Shivani Misri Sadhoo answers this question and explains how this modern-day dating trend is Taking Romance to Another Level.

What Does ‘Delulu In Love’ Really Mean?

The word ‘Delulu’ is short for “delusional”. When someone is ‘Delulu in Love’, it means they are so blindly infatuated with someone that they start fantasizing about a romantic relationship, even when there may be little or no reality behind it. It describes a state of extreme idealism where you ignore obvious red flags, invent deep romantic connections out of minor interactions. A simple morning text or a polite smile or a little extra attention can make you feel special. You start believing in a love story that is unreal and exists mostly in your imagination.

“Let love inspire your imagination, but let reality guide your heart.” Says relationship and couples counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

Origin of The Word ‘Delulu’

It all began with K-pop (short for Korean pop) fan slang around 2014. The word ‘Delulu’ was originally used for fans who seriously imagined dating or marrying their favourite pop stars. The term later gained popularity on other social media platforms. Today, being “delulu” in love often means happily getting carried away by romantic fantasies, even when reality may suggest otherwise.

How Does One Know if They Are ‘Delulu in Love’?

Some of the ways to know are:

1. Wishful Thinking

One of the biggest signs is when you start seeing meaning in every little thing the other person does. They appreciate your social media posts, reply to your messages promptly, flash you a cute smile or always remember your birthdays. Such sweet gestures are often enough to make you believe that there is definitely something more. But the reality is that there may be no special romantic meaning behind any of this. Sometimes a smile is just a smile. They are being nice to you. That’s all! A quick reply may simply mean they are just courteous and as for liking your social media posts, that could simply mean they enjoyed what you shared. Remembering your birthday could be a simple coincidence or they might be doing it for others as well.

2. No Real Conversations

You may spend hours imagining conversations, dates and romantic moments with someone, while barely talking to them in real life. You may even convince yourself that they understand how you feel. But a relationship cannot grow on assumptions and daydreams.

3. Ignore The Mistakes

When you are deeply in love, you may find yourself making excuses for their behaviour. You tend to ignore broken promises, cancelled plans, lies, etc. because you want the relationship to work. But if these things keep repeating, then they are not considered as small mistakes. They indicate that something is not quite right.

4. When You Chase Them Always

Love should feel mutual, not like something you have to chase. So, if you’re the one who is always calling, texting, checking in or making plans while your significant other is simply busy rejecting your ideas politely or rarely makes the same effort, it is evident that you’re more interested than they are. Love should not feel forced.

Is it Good to Be ‘Delulu in Love’?

Here a few reasons:

1. Being Optimistic

With ‘Delulu’, you tend to become bolder and more confident. Instead of overthinking every text or worrying about rejection, you allow yourself to hope, flirt and take a chance. You may read too much into a smile, but that little optimism can push you to meet someone, express your feelings and enjoy the excitement of falling in love.

2. Everything is Fine

Sometimes, being a little Delulu, that is choosing to believe things are fine instead of jumping to the worst conclusion can make dating easier. If someone takes too long to reply, you might console yourself by thinking they are busy rather than assuming that your special someone has lost interest. This kind of a positive mindset can help you staycalm and confident.

28-Sep-2026Did you know that being a little Delulu in Love can actually boost your mood and lift your spirits? When you imagine the sweet moments, replay conversations or picture a future together, your brain’s feel-good chemical (Dopamine) gets a boost. That is what makes you feel happier and lighter, even before anything serious and meaningful happens.

Is There Something Bad About Being ‘Delulu in Love’?

1. Blurred Reality

As you know, being ‘Delulu in love’ can make you see what you want to see instead of what is actually happening. You may overlook lies, poor treatment, broken promises or a lack of effort because you keep hoping things will improve. You may even make excuses for someone who repeatedly hurts you, making it harder to recognise when it is time to walk away.

2. The Unhealthy Effect

Being a little ‘Delulu in love’ can be fun which is usually harmless. But, sometimes it can even become unhealthy when fantasy takes over reality. If you keep believing someone loves you despite clear signs that they don’t, you may ignore rejection, misunderstand their behaviour and create a relationship that exists only in your mind.

3. Poor Self-esteem

What it does to your self-esteem can be quite damaging. When you keep imagining a relationship that may not exist, every small disappointment can make you question your own worth. You may withdraw from people who care about you, stop enjoying real relationships and become increasingly dependent on unreal connections just for the sake of happiness. Over time, this can leave you feeling insecure, isolated and lonely.

4. Reading Too Much

Sometimes, being “delulu” in love can make you see feelings where none exist. A smile, a quick reply or simple kindness may suddenly feel like a secret message. You may keep looking for signs, even when the other person has shown no real interest. Over time, this can lead to disappointment, obsession and difficulty accepting reality, especially after rejection.

Being a little ‘Delulu in Love’ can make romance exciting, hopeful and fun. But when fantasy starts replacing reality, it can lead to disappointment, confusion and hurt. Enjoy the butterflies, but also pay attention to what is actually happening. After all, Delulu is not always the Solulu (solution) when it comes to love!

Summary

• Potential describes who someone might become, while behaviour shows who they are today.
• Supporting personal growth is different from waiting indefinitely for someone to change.
• A healthy relationship should be evaluated by its present reality as well as its future possibilities.

Sometimes, a relationship can feel full of promise even when the present reality is complicated. You may see how caring, confident, ambitious or emotionally available your partner could become and find yourself deeply attached to that possibility.

But there is a subtle difference between supporting someone’s growth and building a relationship around who you hope they will eventually become. When the imagined future becomes more important than the person in front of you, you may find yourself loving potential rather than reality, shares Shivani Misri Sadhoo who is an eminent couples therapist in Delhi.

Why Does Relationship Potential Feel So Powerful?

Potential gives a relationship a sense of possibility. You may notice someone’s good qualities and imagine how much better the relationship could become if certain things changed.

Perhaps they communicate poorly now but you believe they will eventually open up. Maybe they avoid commitment but you expect them to become ready. Or they have qualities you love, while the behaviours that hurt you are treated as temporary.

Hope itself is not a problem. The difficulty begins when hope becomes the main reason for staying despite a consistent pattern in the present.

“You can believe in someone’s potential without making your happiness dependent on who they might become.” Cites Shivani Misri Sadhoo a Certified Gottman Level 3 Couples Therapist.

The Difference Between Potential and Reality

Every person can change and grow. However, potential is something imagined, while behaviour is something observable.

Someone may say they want to become more communicative, responsible or committed. Those intentions matter, but their repeated actions provide more information about where they currently stand.

A healthy relationship does not require someone to be perfect. It does, however, require you to recognise the person they actually are rather than constantly adjusting your expectations around who they might become.

When You Start Explaining Away Their Behaviour

One sign of the potential trap is repeatedly making excuses for behaviour that hurts you.

You might tell yourself that they are distant because they have had a difficult past, that they will become more reliable once their career settles down, or that they will eventually understand what you need.

Understanding someone’s circumstances can create empathy, but it does not automatically change the impact of their behaviour on the relationship.

You May Become Attached to the Future

When your emotional investment is based heavily on what could happen, the relationship can start feeling like a project.

Instead of enjoying the relationship as it exists, you may constantly wait for the next stage: when they become more committed, communicate better, change their priorities or finally become the partner you imagined.

This can make the present feel like something you simply have to tolerate until the future arrives.

Supporting Growth Is Different From Waiting for Change

There is an important distinction between encouraging a partner and expecting them to transform.

Supporting growth means accepting that your partner is responsible for their own choices while appreciating genuine progress. Waiting for change can mean staying emotionally invested in a version of someone that does not yet exist.

A partner can grow while remaining fundamentally themselves. You should not have to construct an entirely different version of them in your imagination to make the relationship work.

Pay Attention to Patterns, Not Promises Alone

Words can communicate intentions, but patterns reveal consistency.

If someone repeatedly says they will change but their behaviour remains unchanged, it may be useful to look at what is actually happening rather than relying solely on future promises.

This does not mean people cannot change. It simply means meaningful change is generally demonstrated through consistent behaviour over time.

Ask Yourself What You Are Experiencing Now

A useful way to reflect on a relationship is to temporarily remove the imagined future from the picture.

Consider the relationship as it exists today. Do you feel respected? Can you communicate openly? Are your needs acknowledged? Is there mutual effort? Do you enjoy the relationship beyond the hope that it will eventually become something different?

These questions can help separate genuine compatibility from attachment to potential.

Love the Person, Not Just the Possibility

Relationships naturally involve hopes, plans and dreams for the future. Wanting your partner to grow is not inherently unhealthy.

The problem arises when the future version of someone becomes the reason you tolerate an unsatisfying present. A relationship has to exist in the present, not only in the version you imagine it could become.

Recognising the difference between someone’s potential and their current reality can help you understand what you are actually choosing—and what you are simply hoping will happen.

Summary

• Bare minimum is not enough: Healthy relationships need consistent care, effort and emotional support.
• Effort should be mutual: Both partners must communicate, compromise and contribute to the relationship.
• Respect and consistency matter: Genuine love is shown through everyday actions, understanding and trust.

Relationships are often built on love, trust, care and mutual understanding. However, in today’s world, people are beginning to question what they truly deserve from a partner.

Simply being present, replying occasionally or avoiding major mistakes may once have been considered enough. Now, many people believe that healthy relationships require more than the bare minimum.

The phrase “bare minimum” refers to the basic effort someone makes to maintain a relationship. While these actions are important, they should not be mistaken for genuine emotional investment.

A strong relationship needs consistency, communication, respect and a willingness to grow together, shares Shivani Misri Sadhoo, who is an experienced couples counselor in Delhi.

What Does “Bare Minimum” Mean in a Relationship?

The bare minimum includes basic actions that should naturally exist in a healthy relationship. These may include being honest, showing basic respect, communicating regularly and remaining faithful.

These are not extraordinary acts. They are the foundation of a relationship. When someone expects praise for doing only these basic things, it may suggest that the relationship lacks deeper effort.

For example, replying to a partner only when convenient, remembering important dates occasionally or offering support only after repeated reminders may not create a strong emotional connection.

A relationship cannot thrive when one person is constantly asking for attention, care or understanding.

“Love is not just about being present; it is about making your partner feel valued, heard and genuinely cared for.” Says Gottman Certified marriage counselor in Delhi, Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

Why Are People Expecting More Today?

People are becoming more aware of emotional well-being, personal boundaries and relationship standards. Social media, conversations around mental health and changing ideas about partnership have encouraged individuals to reflect on what makes a relationship fulfilling.

Many people no longer want relationships where they feel ignored, emotionally unsupported or taken for granted. They want partners who actively participate in building a meaningful connection.

This does not mean expecting perfection or grand romantic gestures every day. Instead, it means wanting consistent effort, emotional availability and a sense that both people genuinely care about the relationship.

Emotional Availability Matters

Being physically present is not the same as being emotionally available. A partner may spend time in the same room but still remain distant, distracted or unwilling to discuss feelings.

Emotional availability means being willing to listen, understand concerns and create a safe space for honest communication. It involves showing interest in a partner’s experiences, fears, goals and emotional needs.

People increasingly want relationships where they can express themselves without feeling judged or dismissed. Emotional support is not an extra benefit; it is an important part of emotional intimacy.

Consistency Is More Important Than Occasional Grand Gestures

A surprise date, expensive gift or romantic message can feel special, but meaningful relationships are built through everyday actions. Consistency often matters more than occasional displays of affection.

Checking in after a difficult day, remembering small details, keeping promises and making time for each other can create a stronger bond than dramatic gestures.

When effort appears only after an argument or when a partner feels they might lose the relationship, it may not feel genuine. Healthy effort should be regular rather than dependent on conflict or pressure.

Communication Should Not Feel Like a One-Person Responsibility

In many relationships, one partner becomes responsible for starting difficult conversations, solving misunderstandings and keeping the connection alive. This can create emotional exhaustion over time.

A healthy relationship requires both partners to communicate openly. This includes discussing expectations, addressing problems respectfully and being willing to listen without becoming defensive.

Good communication does not mean agreeing on everything. It means making an effort to understand each other and finding ways to handle differences with maturity.

Effort Should Be Mutual

A relationship becomes unbalanced when one person is always planning, apologising, supporting and making compromises while the other simply receives the benefits.

Mutual effort does not always look identical. One partner may express love through words, while the other may show it through actions. What matters is that both people contribute in ways that make the relationship feel valued and secure.

When effort is mutual, neither person feels that they are carrying the entire emotional responsibility of the partnership.

Respecting Boundaries and Individuality

Modern relationships are also placing greater importance on personal boundaries and individuality. Being in love does not mean giving up personal interests, friendships, goals or independence.

A supportive partner respects personal space and understands that both individuals need time for themselves. Healthy love should encourage growth rather than create control, fear or emotional dependence.

Respect also means accepting a partner’s feelings, opinions and limitations, even when they are different from one’s own.

Bare Minimum Versus Genuine Care

There is a clear difference between simply avoiding harmful behaviour and actively making a relationship better.

Not lying, not cheating and not being abusive are basic expectations. Genuine care goes further by showing kindness, offering support, making thoughtful decisions and considering how one’s actions affect the other person.

A partner who truly values the relationship does not only ask, “What can I get away with?” Instead, they think about how they can contribute to trust, comfort and emotional security.

Healthy Expectations Are Not the Same as Unrealistic Demands

Expecting more effort does not mean demanding constant attention, expensive gifts or a perfect relationship. Every person has different responsibilities, emotional needs and limitations.

Healthy expectations are based on respect, honesty, consistency and communication. Unrealistic demands, on the other hand, may involve expecting a partner to meet every emotional need or never make mistakes.

The goal is not perfection. It is a relationship where both people are willing to acknowledge mistakes, make improvements and show that the connection matters.

Building Relationships Beyond the Bare Minimum

The changing attitude towards relationships reflects a desire for deeper and more meaningful partnerships. People want to feel chosen, heard, respected and supported—not merely tolerated.

Moving beyond the bare minimum involves small but consistent actions: listening carefully, keeping promises, communicating openly, showing appreciation and making space for each other’s growth.

A fulfilling relationship is not measured only by the absence of problems. It is measured by the presence of care, understanding and shared effort.

A New Standard for Love

The bare minimum may keep a relationship functioning, but genuine effort helps it grow. Love requires more than simply being present; it requires emotional involvement, responsibility and a willingness to show up consistently.

As relationship expectations continue to evolve, people are recognising that they deserve partnerships where effort is mutual and affection is expressed through everyday actions.

A healthy relationship should not make someone grateful for basic respect—it should make both partners feel valued, understood and loved.

Your day is incomplete without talking to the person you love. You can’t imagine a day without them. Just when you start dreaming of a future with your favourite person and discuss your future goals together, something changes drastically.

The relationship moves beyond attraction and excitement. Conversations become deeper and expectations begin to emerge. You may meet each other’s families, make plans together or simply become more emotionally invested. And, strangely enough, this is often when one person begins to retreat.

Calls become less frequent. Replies take longer. Plans are postponed. The warmth that once came effortlessly now feels strangely measured.

So, what is happening exactly?

If you are also wondering why do people pull away just when the relationship gets serious, then this article might be interesting for you. Let’s read what eminent marriage counsellor, in Delhi,  Shivani Misri Sadhoo has to say about this.

How do you know that your partner is pulling away?

Some of the signs that may include some or all the below given points:

1. Less communication: Yes, this is perhaps one of the tell-tale signs of someone pulling away from a relationship. They avoid long conversations, especially the ones that talk about future goals and aspirations.

2. Avoid calls/ messages: Your partner has suddenly started avoiding your calls or maybe responding late for your messages. Another sign that they are clearly ignoring any kind of interaction at the moment.

3. Lack of Intimacy: You are being ‘stonewalled’ every now and then. The person who once eagerly shared their thoughts, feelings and everyday experiences with you is suddenly becoming distant. There is an emotional distance between the two of you. This could be a subtle sign of the partner trying to pull away fearing that the relationship is taking a serious turn.

4. Sudden Irritation: The person who always used to listen to you calmly gets irritated or angry nowadays.

These are just some of the signs that one can notice when a person tries to pull away from a relationship.

“Sometimes people pull away not because they stop loving, but because commitment awakens fears they have not yet learned to face.” Opines Gottman Certified Couples Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

What are the reasons of pulling away from a relationship when it starts getting serious?

Some of the reasons are:

1. Fear Of Commitment

 One of the biggest reasons why many people pull away the moment a relationship starts getting serious is fear of commitment. When you are dating things often feel light and casual. You enjoy each other’s company without necessarily having to think too far ahead. You take each day as it comes without worrying about tomorrow. But as the relationship deepens, the equation begins to change.

Suddenly, future goals become important. Expectations grow and one starts discussing about family responsibilities. For some, this can feel a bit too much to handle. They start feeling nervous. Instead of confronting those fears, they may choose to retreat or pull away from the relationship.

2. Past Trauma/ Past Negative Experience

Past trauma or a painful relationship in the past can quietly shape how someone responds when a new relationship begins to feel serious. If they have once been betrayed, abandoned, controlled or deeply hurt, commitment may trigger those old fears all over again. They do not want to experience the same unhappiness and hence prefer to pull away from the relationship when it gets serious.

3. Fear Of Losing Freedom

Yet another reason people pull away when a relationship becomes serious is the fear of losing their independence. The very thought of sharing every little part of life, be it their room, same routines, even being seen in pyjamas with dishevelled hair can feel strangely uncomfortable.

They don’t feel at ease. Although it does not necessarily mean that there is no love in the relationship anymore, but it’s just that they may fear losing the freedom and private space they have grown accustomed to. And when commitment begins to feel like a surrender of that independence, they instinctively retreat, seeking distance before they feel they have lost themselves.

4. Lack Of Emotional Presence

Not every withdrawal means someone has stopped caring. Sometimes, it could be a busy schedule, family troubles, poor health or a personal crisis or poor health condition that may be responsible for this unintentional distance between the partners. Psychologists call it Situational Emotional Unavailability, and with time, understanding and support, it can often pass.

Chronic Emotional Unavailability, however, is different. It is a recurring pattern: whenever emotional intimacy deepens, the person instinctively creates distance. They may feel deeply, but have learnt to protect themselves by keeping those feelings safely out of reach. And this is exactly when relationships become complex. One partner seeks greater proximity, while the emotionally unavailable partner feels overwhelmed and pulls away.

5. Afraid Of Being Rejected

Nobody would want to suffer from the pain of being rejected by someone they deeply love. For some, that fear becomes so powerful that they would rather pull away than risk being hurt. It’s like saying ‘goodbye’ first before the other person says it. They don’t want to be tagged as a loser. But, the saddest part is that they are still in love, yet they prefer to save themselves from being hurt.

Thus, it is evident from this article that people sometimes pull away from relationships for various reasons. This could be fear of commitment, past trauma, fear of losing one’s independence, emotional unavailability or fear of rejection. Sometimes stepping back doesn’t mean love has disappeared.

It simply means that a person might be struggling with their own fears. Let’s not misunderstand these people always. But if someone chooses to pull away simply because the love is no longer there, it is better to be honest than to leave the other person confused, waiting and wondering what went wrong.

Summary

• Paperclipping is when someone reconnects after ghosting without genuine commitment.
• It often creates emotional confusion and can reopen old wounds.
• Healthy relationships require consistency, accountability, and respect.

Dating trends continue to evolve with the rise of social media and dating apps, bringing new relationship behaviors into the spotlight. One term that has recently resurfaced is paperclipping, a pattern where someone who once disappeared from your life suddenly reaches out again with little or no explanation.

While the message may seem harmless, paperclipping can stir old emotions, create confusion, and prevent people from moving forward. Understanding this behavior can help you recognize unhealthy relationship patterns and protect your emotional well-being shares Shivani Misri Sadhoo who is an eminent marriage counselor, relationship expert in Delhi.

Why Do People Return After Ghosting Without Real Intentions?

Paperclipping happens when someone who previously ghosted or ended communication unexpectedly reconnects through a text, social media reaction, or casual conversation. In many cases, the person is not looking to rebuild the relationship or offer a sincere apology.

Instead, they may be seeking attention, validation, or simply checking whether they still have a place in your life. This behavior can create false hope because it often lacks genuine commitment or accountability. While every situation is different, consistently returning without meaningful effort is a sign of an unhealthy communication pattern.

“A genuine connection doesn’t disappear without explanation and return only when it’s convenient. Consistency, honesty, and respect are what truly define a healthy relationship.” Says couples counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo

The Origin of the Term

The name paperclipping comes from Clippy, the animated paperclip assistant once featured in Microsoft Office. Just as Clippy would unexpectedly pop up on a computer screen, a paperclipper suddenly reappears after a long period of silence, often acting as if nothing happened.

How Paperclipping Affects Emotional Well-Being

When someone unexpectedly returns after disappearing, it can reopen emotional wounds that had already begun to heal. The sudden contact may create uncertainty, encourage overthinking, and make it harder to move on. People often find themselves questioning the other person’s motives or wondering whether the relationship deserves another chance.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Paperclipping

Paperclipping usually begins with a casual message after weeks or months of no contact. The person may avoid discussing why they disappeared, show inconsistent interest, and disappear again once they receive attention. They rarely make meaningful efforts to rebuild trust or establish a healthy relationship.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Not every person who reconnects has bad intentions, but actions matter more than words. A sincere attempt to reconnect includes honesty, accountability, and consistent effort. If someone repeatedly enters and exits your life without addressing the past, setting clear boundaries can help protect your emotional health and prevent the cycle from repeating.

Paperclipping is a reminder that not every return deserves a second chance. While reconnecting with someone can sometimes lead to a healthy relationship, genuine intentions are shown through accountability, consistency, and respect. Recognizing the signs of paperclipping can help you make informed decisions, maintain healthy boundaries, and prioritize relationships that offer stability rather than uncertainty.

Summary

• More communication isn’t always better communication—constant discussions can sometimes increase misunderstandings and emotional stress.
• Healthy relationships need balance, combining open conversations with personal space, reflection, and emotional independence.
• Effective communication focuses on clarity and resolution, rather than repeatedly revisiting the same concerns or seeking endless reassurance.

Communication is often described as the foundation of a healthy relationship. Couples are encouraged to talk openly, express their feelings, and discuss concerns before they become larger problems. While effective communication is essential, there is a lesser-known reality that many people overlook: too much communication can sometimes become counterproductive.

When every emotion, thought, concern, or insecurity is constantly discussed, relationships can become emotionally exhausting rather than emotionally connected. In some situations, overcommunication can increase misunderstandings, intensify conflicts, and create unnecessary stress for both partners, says Shivani Misri Sadhoo, who is an experienced marriage counsellor in Delhi.

Can Too Much Communication Harm a Relationship?

Communication is beneficial when it promotes understanding and connection. However, when partners repeatedly analyze every interaction, revisit resolved issues, or constantly seek reassurance, conversations can become overwhelming. Instead of fostering closeness, excessive discussion may lead to emotional fatigue, frustration, and tension.

Healthy relationships require both communication and emotional space to process thoughts, emotions, and experiences independently.

Couples counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo says that “Communication strengthens relationships, but when every thought becomes a discussion and every feeling becomes a debate, connection can give way to conflict.”

The Difference Between Healthy Communication and Overcommunication

Healthy communication focuses on expressing needs, resolving concerns, and building mutual understanding. Overcommunication occurs when conversations become repetitive, excessive, or driven by anxiety rather than genuine problem-solving.

Repeatedly discussing the same issue without reaching a resolution can leave both partners feeling unheard, even when they have spent hours talking about it.

How Constant Discussions Can Escalate Conflict?

Not every disagreement requires immediate or prolonged discussion. Sometimes emotions need time to settle before productive conversations can take place. When partners continuously revisit sensitive topics, small disagreements can evolve into larger conflicts.

The pressure to discuss every concern immediately may increase defensiveness and make constructive resolution more difficult.

Emotional Exhaustion from Continuous Processing

Relationships thrive when partners feel emotionally safe and supported. However, constant emotional processing can become draining. When one or both partners feel obligated to repeatedly explain, justify, or analyze their feelings, conversations may start to feel like obligations rather than opportunities for connection.

Over time, this emotional exhaustion can reduce relationship satisfaction and increase stress.

The Role of Personal Space in Emotional Well-Being

Healthy relationships balance togetherness with individuality. Personal reflection allows individuals to understand their emotions before sharing them with a partner.

Taking time to think, calm down, or gain perspective often leads to more meaningful and productive conversations. Emotional space should not be mistaken for avoidance; rather, it can be an important tool for maintaining emotional balance.

When Reassurance Becomes a Source of Stress?

Seeking reassurance is natural, especially during challenging periods in a relationship. However, excessive reassurance-seeking can unintentionally create pressure on a partner.

Constantly asking for validation may shift conversations away from genuine connection and toward managing anxiety. Developing self-confidence and emotional security alongside relationship support can help create healthier communication patterns.

Building a Balanced Communication Style

Strong relationships are not built on constant conversation but on effective conversation. Partners benefit from discussing important matters honestly while also recognizing when an issue has been adequately addressed. Listening, respecting boundaries, allowing emotions to settle, and focusing on solutions rather than endless analysis can help maintain a healthier balance.

Communication remains one of the most important elements of a successful relationship, but more communication is not always better communication. When conversations become excessive, repetitive, or driven by anxiety, they can contribute to conflict and emotional stress rather than resolution.

By balancing openness with personal space, couples can create healthier interactions that strengthen connection without overwhelming the relationship.

Summary

• Subtle Disconnection: Hidden red flags like recurring forgetfulness, excessive secrecy, and sudden password changes slowly destroy basic trust.
• Communication Breakdown: Defensive habits like stonewalling and constant self-censorship out of fear stop true emotional intimacy.
• Hollow Apologies and Disrespect: Relationships fracture internally when partners feel chronically undervalued, dismissed, or receive meaningless, empty apologies.

A house looks beautiful not merely because it has been designed artistically. Its true beauty lies in what exists within its walls. No matter how grand the architecture may be or how elegant its décor, a house can only become a home when it is filled with warmth, love, respect, and a sense of belonging. Our relationships are also somewhat similar.

The few key ingredients of a healthy relationship such as trust, respect, honesty, communication, and kindness should be nurtured with love. But, even if you feel that your relationship is perfect and happy, there may be a few red flags that you probably have missed. Eminent marriage counsellor, relationship expert in India, Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares some of the Key Red Flags in a Perfect Happy Relationship That Often Goes Unnoticed.

What Makes a “Perfect” Relationship Turn Sour?

A relationship can look flawlessly curated to the outside world while slowly fracturing from within. The most dangerous threats to a couple’s happiness are not explosive arguments, but the quiet, incremental erosion of safety and trust. When core foundational values like mutual respect and transparent communication begin to fade, they are replaced by subtle toxic habits. These behaviors gradually build emotional walls, turning what once felt like a secure sanctuary into a hollow, disconnected space.

Couples therapist, Shivani Misri Sadhoo says, that “A relationship is like a home; its true beauty is not how perfect it looks from the outside, but whether it provides warmth, safety, and honesty within its walls.”

1. Taken For Granted

Sometimes, life can be really hectic. One may forget wishing their partner on their special occasions like a birthday or an anniversary, or perhaps the day they never used to forget—’the day they met’. And, it could all be due to the countless deadlines, important meetings and conferences, or family responsibilities.

But, when that forgetfulness becomes a recurring pattern, it can be considered as a red flag. It simply shows that your partner does not really bother about your feelings and is probably taking you for granted. With time, this quiet indifference can create an emotional distance, even in a relationship that otherwise looks happy and perfect.

2. They Don’t Respect You

Respect is one of those key ingredients of a happy and beautiful relationship. There is no compromise when it comes to feeling valued, heard, and acknowledged by the person you love. The fact that you exist should be reason enough for your partner to treat you with kindness, consideration, and dignity.

You should never have to fight for basic respect or constantly prove your worth. The moment you start feeling disrespected, unheard, or find yourself being in a situation where your opinions are not given importance, it is a prominent red flag that irrespective of how perfect your relationship might look from outside, there is something seriously wrong somewhere. And, the more you ignore, the worse it becomes.

3. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is yet another red flag that often goes unnoticed in an otherwise seemingly happy and a picture-perfect relationship. If you are wondering what Stonewalling is, then it simply means emotionally shutting down and refusing to communicate or engage when a difficult conversation or conflict arises.

Instead of trying to communicate, one partner may withdraw completely, give the cold shoulder, avoid eye contact, offer one-word replies, or suddenly find ways to distract themselves from the discussion. While it may appear harmless on the surface, stonewalling creates emotional distance, leaving the other person feeling disconnected.

4. You’re Uncomfortable Around Your Partner

When you are in a relationship, it is expected that you would share your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and even the little details of your day with your partner. A relationship can be called healthy when both the partners are on the same page. They happily share things, moments, laughter, and never feel uncomfortable around each other.

 However, if you find yourself holding back, avoiding certain conversations or constantly worrying about how your partner might react, it is worth paying attention to. The fear of being judged, criticised, dismissed, or misunderstood can slowly create emotional distance.

Over a period of time, this hesitation stands as a barrier between two people, preventing honest communication and emotional intimacy from flourishing. What begins as occasional self-censorship can gradually turn into a habit of suppressing thoughts, feelings, and concerns. 

5. Too Secretive

Is your partner hiding too many things from you? Are they being too secretive? Earlier, you knew each other’s phone passwords. But, now you don’t! The password has been suddenly changed and you are left in dark.

Now, this is often the temperament of someone who is not really comfortable being transparent about their actions. Of course, every individual requires their personal space. Not every thought, or conversation, needs to be shared with a partner. Sometimes people keep things to themselves simply because they don’t want to be the reason for your tension.

 But, when your partner starts hiding almost every matter from you, then it is definitely a red flag in your seemingly perfect and happy relationship. Honesty is not about seeking permission; it is about building trust. If meeting an old school friend who was once your first crush is truly no big deal, then why hide it? If spending an evening at a newly opened pub, exchanging messages with an ex, deleting chats, or withholding details about frequent conversations with a particular person feels harmless, then why keep it a secret?

When such small omissions become a habit, they slowly erode trust, and over time a partner begins to wonder not just about what is being hidden, but why it is being hidden in the first place. That quiet erosion of trust is what makes secrecy such an often-overlooked red flag.

6. When Apologies Don’t Mean Anything

You know that you made a mistake. You say ‘Sorry’. You assure your partner that it won’t happen again and promise that you’ll be more mindful in the future. But then, after a few days, you make another mistake and this time too, you say sorry to your partner. But, when this becomes a pattern, the apology sounds hollow.

Those 3 words, “I am Sorry” had no significance at all. Genuine remorse is reflected not just in words, but in changed actions. If someone repeatedly hurts their partner in the same way despite repeated apologies, it is certainly a red flag that often goes unnoticed in otherwise happy relationships.

These red flags are often subtle and easy to overlook because they rarely appear as dramatic warning signs. Instead, they quietly slip into everyday interactions and gradually become part of the relationship.

A healthy relationship is always built on trust, mutual respect, honesty, candid communication, and emotional safety. When you begin to feel emotionally distant, taken for granted, disrespected, stonewalled, uncomfortable and hesitant around your partner and feel their repeated apologies are not genuine, and that they are too secretive, it is high time you think seriously about your relationship. Even if it appears to be perfect from outside, there is something wrong internally. 

Summary

• Long-term relationships are difficult to end because emotional bonds and shared memories create deep attachment.
• Fear of loneliness, change, and starting life over often keeps people holding on longer.
• Time, emotional investment, and a shared identity can make letting go feel like losing a part of yourself.

Relationships become a major part of a person’s emotional world. Over the years, couples build memories, routines, trust, future plans, and emotional dependence. A long-term relationship often becomes deeply connected to identity and daily life. That is why ending such a relationship is rarely a simple decision. It often feels like losing not just a partner, but also a shared history, emotional security, and a future once imagined, says Shivani Misri Sadhoo who is one of the experienced couples therapist in Delhi.

Why do people find it so difficult to end long-term relationships?

The answer often lies in a combination of emotional, psychological, and practical reasons. Marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo opines that “Sometimes the hardest endings are not about losing someone, but about letting go of the life you once imagined with them.”

Reason 1: Deep Emotional Attachment

One of the biggest reasons people struggle to leave is emotional attachment. Years of love, support, shared struggles, and intimate moments create powerful emotional bonds. Even when problems appear, those emotional memories remain strong. People often stay connected not only to the person, but also to what the relationship once meant.

Reason 2: Fear of Starting Over

Beginning again can feel overwhelming. After spending years with one person, the idea of rebuilding life, creating new routines, or opening up to someone new can create anxiety. For many, the uncertainty of starting over feels more frightening than staying in an unhappy relationship.

Reason 3: Comfort in Familiarity

Even imperfect relationships can feel comfortable because they are familiar. Shared routines, habits, and everyday patterns create a sense of stability. The human mind often prefers what feels known, even when it is emotionally difficult, because uncertainty can feel riskier.

Reason 4: Hope That Things Will Change

Many people hold onto the belief that things can improve. They remember happier times, early love, and promises made during better phases of the relationship. This hope can make it difficult to accept that some relationships may no longer be healthy or sustainable.

Reason 5: Fear of Loneliness

The thought of being alone can be deeply uncomfortable. Long-term relationships often provide companionship, emotional support, and a sense of belonging. Losing that connection can create fear, making some people stay even when they are unhappy.

Reason 6: Emotional and Time Investment

When someone has invested years of love, effort, and emotional energy into a relationship, walking away can feel like losing something valuable. People often think about the time they spent together and struggle with the idea of letting all of it go.

Reason 7: Losing a Shared Identity

Long-term relationships often become part of personal identity. Couples build mutual friendships, future plans, family connections, and shared goals. Ending the relationship may feel like losing not just a partner, but also a part of oneself.

The Reality of Letting Go

Ending a long-term relationship often brings mixed emotions—sadness, relief, guilt, anger, and confusion. This emotional complexity is what makes separation so challenging. However, in many cases, letting go becomes necessary for emotional growth, healthier boundaries, and long-term well-being.

Sometimes the hardest endings happen because the relationship truly mattered. But choosing to walk away can also be one of the strongest decisions a person makes.

Summary

• A healthy relationship is built on comfort, mutual respect, open communication, and a shared understanding of love.
• Asking the right questions helps you move beyond confusion and truly evaluate your emotional connection and compatibility.
• Honest reflection reveals whether you are growing together in a meaningful bond or simply staying out of habit or convenience.

No relationship is perfect. There are bound to be moments of doubt, disagreement, and distance. Sometimes, even if you are deeply in love with your partner, you pause and ask yourself: Is this the right relationship I am in?

Is this person really the one for me? No matter how comfortable you feel with them or how much time you spend together, there are moments when uncertainty creeps in. Questions arise unexpectedly. Then come phases when the honeymoon glow fades, and the realities of daily life begin to feel like a wall between you and your partner.

There is no need to feel afraid. You are not alone. Every relationship requires time and effort. Nothing stays the same forever, and growth often comes with challenges.

“Clarity in a relationship doesn’t come from never having doubts—it comes from asking honest questions and having the courage to accept the answers.” – Shivani Misr Sadhoo, a certified Gottman therapist and one of the experienced marriage counsellors in Delhi and across India

Are You Asking the Right Questions About Your Relationship?

When doubt enters a relationship, most people either ignore it or overthink it without direction. What truly helps is asking the right questions—ones that go beyond temporary emotions and look at the deeper foundation of your bond.

These questions are not meant to create fear, but to bring clarity. They help you understand whether your relationship is built on genuine connection or just familiarity. By reflecting honestly, you begin to see patterns—how you feel around your partner, how conflicts are handled, and whether your emotional needs are truly being met.

Shivani Misri Sadhoo, an experienced relationship expert and couples therapist in Delhi, India, shares five important questions that can help you understand whether you are in the right kind of relationship.

Are You Really Comfortable Around Your Partner?

This is perhaps the most important question to ask yourself. Comfort here means being your true self without the need to pretend. It means not feeling pressured to act a certain way just to keep your partner happy.

You should not feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells. Instead, you should feel free to talk about anything and everything openly. If this sense of ease is missing, it could be a significant red flag.

Are You Confident in Your Relationship When Others Are Watching?

Ask yourself if you feel proud of your relationship and genuinely happy being seen together in front of others. The real test often appears in social settings, especially when interacting with family and friends. These moments reveal whether there is genuine happiness, comfort, and mutual respect. The way you and your partner present yourselves in these situations says a lot about your compatibility.

Do You Respect Each Other?

Respect is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. However, respect does not mean agreeing to everything just to avoid conflict. It is about valuing each other’s opinions, even when they differ. You should never have to sacrifice your happiness, self-respect, or core values.

True respect allows for honest conversations and disagreements without fear, while still making both partners feel valued.

Do You Listen to Each Other?

Communication is one of the strongest foundations of a relationship. It is not just about speaking, but also about truly listening. Many misunderstandings arise because people hear words but fail to understand the emotions behind them.

When couples communicate openly and listen with intent, confusion begins to fade, bringing clarity about the relationship’s strength and direction.

Do You Really Love Each Other?

When in doubt, it is essential to reflect on what love means to both of you. Love is not defined the same way by everyone. For some, it is about feeling safe and understood. For others, it is about deep affection, mutual respect, and friendship.

When you and your partner discuss your understanding of love, it becomes clearer whether you are truly connected or simply staying together out of habit or comfort. It helps you see whether you are growing together or drifting apart.

Relationships are built on comfort, respect, honest communication, and genuine love. Asking yourself these simple yet meaningful questions can bring much-needed clarity.

If your relationship reflects these qualities, it is likely a healthy one. If not, it may be time to reflect, address concerns, and decide what truly serves your emotional well-being.