Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Marriage is more than just a union between two lovers; it’s a merging of families, cultures, and traditions. When you take those sacred vows in front of the fire, you’re not only pledging your love to your partner but also weaving together two families, each with its own set of customs, values, and dynamics.

The idea of living with in-laws can stir up a myriad of emotions. For some, it’s an opportunity to strengthen family bonds and enjoy the support system that comes with extended family.

For others, it can be a potential minefield of conflict and tension. So, how does sharing your living space with your in-laws really impact your marriage?

Shivani Misri Sadhoo, a leading marriage and family therapist in Delhi and Gurgaon shares 5 ways to deal with the situation.

What are Some of the Challenges Faced?

According to Shivani some of the seen challenges are:

Controlling In-Laws

When in-laws are overly controlling—dictating living arrangements, and child-rearing choices, and reacting poorly to non-compliance—tension rises.

This issue intensifies if your spouse sides with them, adding pressure to your relationship. Addressing it promptly is essential to avoid escalating stress and conflict.

Violation Of Privacy

When in-laws frequently infringe on your privacy, it can cause unnecessary tension in your relationship. You may feel the need to set boundaries, but if your partner dismisses your concerns because it’s family, it can lead to frustration and resentment.

This lack of support might undermine the unity in your relationship, making you feel unsupported and isolated.

Being too Judgmental

It becomes incredibly frustrating when in-laws judge and criticize every move you make, as they often impose their own expectations on your newlywed life.

Their judgments about your career choices or parenting can erode your confidence and strain your relationship.

Being Manipulative

Sometimes, in-laws use guilt-tripping as a manipulative tool to control their child’s partner, making them feel inadequate or like they’re making poor decisions.

This tactic can cause significant strain on the relationship, creating a rift between you and your partner, especially if your partner is swayed by the guilt while you’re trying to resist. Such behavior fosters anger, resentment, and distance.

What are the Strategies to Deal with It?

Some of the best ways to deal with it are:

Honest Communication

It may sound cliché, but effective communication is crucial in any relationship, including those with in-laws. Responses to in-law issues often reflect past experiences, such as a woman’s protectiveness due to a close bond with her mother after an early divorce or a husband’s nervousness from a critical father.

Understanding each other’s backgrounds and fostering open, respectful dialogue—while addressing concerns calmly and empathetically—can prevent misunderstandings and emotional conflicts.

Address The Problem

Many a time, we often choose to ignore problems, but this approach isn’t effective, especially when dealing with issues involving your in-laws.

If their behavior is negatively affecting you and your relationship, pretending it doesn’t matter won’t make it disappear; in fact, it will only worsen over time, impacting both your personal well-being and your relationship.

Facing the issue directly, rather than avoiding it, will lead to a healthier, more balanced life.

Maintain Clear-cut Boundaries

Set clear boundaries early on and adhere to them consistently to maintain peace and sanity. When in-laws or others are given excessive leeway, it can quickly lead to chaos.

Be assertive in defining your limits on issues like finances, unsolicited advice, and personal space. Communicate these boundaries clearly and reinforce them regularly to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.

Empathy

Being empathetic can ease the challenges of living with in-laws. By trying to understand their perspective, you may reduce their impact on your life. Harmony requires curiosity and empathy, allowing everyone involved to feel understood.

When people feel heard, they are more open to flexibility and change, creating a more peaceful and accommodating environment.

Keep Calm

When your in-laws make offensive comments, resist the urge to react impulsively. Instead, take time to cool off before addressing the issue. A brief pause helps everyone approach the situation more calmly and constructively.

Prioritize addressing significant issues over minor disagreements, and choose your battles wisely to maintain family harmony and your own peace of mind.

What to take out of this?

There is always a way to manage the complexities of living with in-laws and maintain a healthy marriage. By fostering honest communication, addressing issues directly, setting clear boundaries, practicing empathy, and staying calm, you can create a harmonious environment and strengthen your relationship.

Dealing with an angry partner can be challenging, but it is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Anger, if not handled properly, can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and a breakdown in communication. However, by approaching the situation with care and understanding, you can not only diffuse the immediate tension but also foster a deeper connection and trust between you and your partner.

What are some of the ways to deal with when your partner is angry?

Here are five relationship tips to help you navigate this difficult situation and strengthen your bond, ensuring that your relationship remains resilient and supportive even in times of conflict as explained by one of the leading couples therapists in Delhi, Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

1. Listen Actively and Empathetically

When your partner is angry, the first step is to listen actively. Show that you are genuinely interested in understanding their perspective. This involves:

• Maintaining eye contact: This shows you are present and paying attention.
• Nodding or using verbal acknowledgments: Small affirmations like “I see” or “I understand” can help.
• Reflecting back: Paraphrase what they are saying to ensure you understand and to show that you are listening. For example, “It sounds like you are upset because…”

2. Stay Calm and Composed

It is crucial to remain calm when your partner is angry. Reacting with anger will only escalate the situation. Here’s how you can keep your cool:

• Take deep breaths: This can help you stay calm and focused.
• Use a calm tone of voice: Speaking softly and slowly can help de-escalate the situation.
• Pause before responding: Give yourself a moment to process what they have said and to think about your response.

3. Validate Their Feelings

Validation is about acknowledging your partner’s emotions without necessarily agreeing with their point of view. This can help them feel heard and understood:

• Express empathy: Say things like, “I can see why you feel that way” or “I understand that this situation is frustrating for you.”
• Avoid dismissing their feelings: Don’t say things like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal.”

4. Seek to Understand the Root Cause

Often, the surface issue is not the real problem. Try to dig deeper to understand what is truly bothering your partner:

• Ask open-ended questions: Questions like “What’s really bothering you about this?” can help uncover the root cause.
• Look for patterns: Is this a recurring issue? Understanding patterns can help address underlying problems.

5. Offer Solutions and Compromise

Once you understand the issue, work together to find a solution. This shows that you are committed to resolving the conflict and improving the relationship:

• Brainstorm together: Ask your partner what they think might help resolve the issue.
• Be willing to compromise: Find a middle ground that works for both of you.
• Follow through: Make sure to act on any promises or agreements made during the discussion.

Additional Tips

• Give Space if Needed: Sometimes, your partner might need time alone to cool down. Respect their need for space and revisit the conversation later.
• Reflect on Your Own Behavior: Consider if your actions may have contributed to your partner’s anger and how you can change them in the future.
• Seek Professional Help: If anger and conflicts are frequent, consider seeking help from a relationship counselor or therapist.

By listening actively, staying calm, validating feelings, understanding the root cause, and offering solutions, you can effectively deal with your partner’s anger and build a stronger, healthier relationship. Remember, every couple faces conflicts, but how you handle them can make all the difference.

Human nature often compels us to point fingers at others when things go wrong. We are wired to blame external circumstances or people rather than introspect and hold ourselves accountable. This knee-jerk reaction is only heightened under stress or frustration, leading to conflicts that can strain relationships. 

While differences in perspective can enrich a relationship, a disagreement that escalates into harsh words and unbridgeable divides leaves no winners.

How do couples stop blaming each other and maintain a healthy relationship?

Let’s find out from leading couples therapist and relationship counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo, the 5 simple ways of doing so.

Being Self-Reflective

Blaming others in a relationship often masks our own flaws through projection, making us feel innocent of any wrongdoing. By becoming self-reflective, we can recognize when our anger or hurt is actually rooted in traits we dislike in ourselves.

This awareness helps us avoid the mental error of assuming our partner is at fault. Instead of reacting, we can discuss our feelings and understand each other’s perspectives. This approach allows us to collaboratively solve issues, like tidying the kitchen before guests arrive, and fosters mutual understanding. A heartfelt apology after such discussions strengthens the relationship.

Change your Mindset

When it comes to resolving conflicts in a relationship, adopting an “us vs. the problem” mindset is key. This approach shifts focus away from blaming each other and instead emphasizes collaboration. By acknowledging that the issue itself is valid without dredging up past grievances, both partners can work together more effectively.

Rather than seeing disagreements as competitions, viewing them as shared challenges encourages teamwork. Taking responsibility for individual contributions to the conflict and prioritizing resolution fosters patience and strengthens the bond between partners.

This mindset promotes positive problem-solving and prevents the need to prove oneself right using past hurts, ultimately nurturing a healthier and more supportive relationship.

Find out The Root Cause

Many a time, arguments in relationships stem from deeper issues rather than the surface topics they appear to be about. These underlying issues often revolve around power dynamics, trust issues, respect concerns, and differing needs for personal space.

Identifying these fundamental differences is crucial because it allows couples to address the root cause of their conflicts, rather than merely treating the symptoms. This understanding can prevent recurring arguments and foster more meaningful resolutions.

However, due to the intense emotions and vulnerability involved, this process is often best facilitated with the guidance of a trusted third party, such as a counselor or mediator. By delving beneath the surface and addressing these core issues, couples can break free from the cycle of blame and build a stronger, more harmonious relationship based on mutual understanding and respect.

Building Lasting Bonds

Nurturing your relationship daily is crucial not just for handling conflicts but for preventing them from escalating. Spending quality time together and engaging in activities that strengthen your bond can prevent the blame game.

Showing regular appreciation and affection, and communicating openly about needs and desires, promotes understanding and reduces misunderstandings.

Positive relationships enhance well-being by sharing positive memories, offering support, and emotionally engaging with each other. This daily effort creates a supportive environment where conflicts are managed constructively, rather than becoming a battleground of blame.

The Debating Game

The debating game offers a proactive approach to resolving conflicts in relationships by fostering empathy and understanding. Instead of reacting to arguments defensively, both partners choose a calm moment to discuss their differences.

Sitting together in a quiet space, they take turns role-playing each other’s perspectives for an extended period, ensuring all angles are thoroughly explored. This exercise not only deepens empathy but also facilitates a clearer understanding of each other’s viewpoints.

By the end of the debate, both partners share what they’ve learned, offering constructive strategies to handle future disagreements more effectively. This method transforms blame into mutual understanding, paving the way for healthier, more empathetic relationships.

Think of your relationship as a journey of mutual growth and understanding. By cultivating self-reflection, adopting a collaborative mindset, addressing root causes, nurturing daily bonds, and engaging in constructive debates, couples can transcend the blame game. Embrace empathy, communicate openly, and build a foundation of trust for a harmonious and fulfilling relationship.