In a properly functioning body, sleep helps the brain to process your emotions and memories at the optimum level. When you wake up well-rested your brain maintains a healthy mental and physical energy all throughout your day.
On the other hand, sleep deprivation restricts brain’s ability to do just the superficial activities like sticking to a daily routine work. All throughout the day, the person may find challenges to gather enough mental energy to think and innovate and at night the brain would get so much exhausted that simple relationship activity like conversations with partner, romantic feelings and sexual drive may turn Zero.
Across the world, scientific research is gradually suggesting that sleep may be the biggest factor in maintaining a good relationship. Quality of sleep of either one or both the partners may affect everything from attraction to break-ups. Today India’s leading relationship and marriage counselorShivani Misri Sadhoo shares how poor sleep can be affecting your relationship.
1. Poor sleep habits generally turn a person unattractive
After all nobody like the company of a mentally exhausted person, even the emotionally tired person himself/herself looks for solace. In a relationship too, mental exhaustion that is generally triggered by poor sleeping habits, reduces attraction between partners.
2. Poor sleep can fuel conflicts.
Research suggests that sleep deprivation is one of the primary causes of couple conflicts. Poor sleep leads to poor or irritated mood that causes frequent couple conflict, less understanding of partners’ emotions, and poorer conflict resolution.
3. Sleep issues may increase marital aggression.
People with poor sleep habits often find it hard to control their impulses. This is one of the most discreet triggers for degradation of relationship quality. Scientific studies have confirmed the links between sleep trouble, self-control, and aggressive behaviors. Hence problematic sleep translates to lower self-control, couples suffer from more aggression in their marriages.
4. Healthy sleep encourages a healthy sex life.
Behavioral studies have identified that men and women are less likely to be in the mood for sex if they’re sleep deprived. Good and adequate sleep translated to more sexual desire and more likelihood of engaging in sex with a partner.
Today Indian girls are touching skies
in the field of the profession, research, army and what not. But still we are
socially and culturally programmed where girl’s parents have to spend
exaggeratedly on the wedding day, and still, educated Indians have been
witnessed to take and give dowry in the name of social customs.
following these cultural and social norms, lot of people develop the perception
that wedding day is THE VITAL day of their and their loved one’s life. Sadly,
people often forget that a wedding day is just, only one day. What
truly matters is the fact that man and women’s commitment to spend their rest
of life with one another.
Hence a lot of time,
due to months-long mental pressures, tensions, and financial burden for preparing
the ONE wedding day, bride and bride’s parents – OFTEN ignore warning signs
from the man (bridegroom). These signs could tell them that the man is
not right for the girl. This is one of the major triggers that result in a
failed selection of bridegroom in an arranged marriage setup.
India’s leading relationship and marriage counselorShivani Misri Sadhoo shares that never ignore any doubt at any point before the wedding. This doubts may come in the form of wedding jitters, bridal nerves, cold feet. But what you shouldn’t do is ignore the fact that your subconscious might be signaling an alarm that something is not right. So yes, pay attention to those lurking doubts you’re having because they’re acting as indicators that trouble might lay ahead!
Here are some of the
major warning signs that tell every girl, and her parents that the guy is not
1. Cheated once before
The psychological fact states that people’s core
nature never changes. If the prospective bridegroom has cheated someone before,
there is a very BIG chance that he will repeat the same. Don’t hold wrong
expectations if you came across this information, it does not matter if you end
up becoming world’s best wife or not in the future, people generally tend to
follow their tendencies with due course of time.
2. Puts you down in front of his friends
If you witness the person has the tendency of
making fun of you and putting you down in front of friends, remember such an
attitude will not contribute in a strong relationship in the future. This will
start hurting your self-esteem and later, your relationship with him.
3. History of abuse
If there is any history of emotional or physical
abuse that you come to know either by trusted someone or if the person shares
himself and justify the action like in the past he used to get angry easily and
once he slapped his ex-girlfriend and promises to never be like that again.
Stay away from such person, no matter how many promises he makes he will fall
back to his tendencies with the course of time.
4. Thorough background check
No matter how well you know the guy or your parents know the guy’s family or if he is been referred by your own relatives, never ever proceed with a marriage proposal without a thorough background check. Check particularly the following areas:-
a. If the guy or his
family accurately speak about the guy’s professional situation.
b. Check if there is
any history of addiction for drugs, alcohol, sex or gamble.
First comes love, then marriage, and comes happily ever after. This is how the story ends right? It happens in every romantic movie or a bestseller, but not in real life. Though it is true that couples might relax for a while after they have tied the knot. In reality, they may feel to start confused or worried if or when their fairy tale starts to go wrong.
Lots of people think that marriage is about marrying the right person, so when things go wrong, they automatically go downhill. Suddenly, you will start thinking that you have accidentally married the wrong person. And the syndrome of HAPPILY EVER AFTER gets shattered.
Although you always want to marry someone you are fundamentally compatible with. The truth is marriage has a lot less to do with marrying the right individual than it has to do with doing the right things with the person you have married. In simpler words, relationships are a constant work in progress.
In this article renowned marriage counselor and relationship expert, Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares few tips to rekindle your marriage.
1.Avoid Entering Into a Critical Mindset
There could be a time when your partner may do something that hurt you, and never feel sorry for it. Maybe they even continue to do so, despite you letting them know that it annoys you. This can cause you to generate bitterness towards them. At a certain point, any person in a marriage may find themselves observing their partner through a critical lens. Spouses also start magnifying or zooming in on their partner’s mistakes, recording their flaws, and making a case to use at a later stage. It is far too simple when you live in close quarters with someone to choose them apart and get annoyed at some of their habits, wherein the truth is, your partner probably always had those qualities, even when you first fell in love.
2. Treat Your Spouse with Kindness
Rather of being critical, try treating your partner with kindness. As this is the ultimate key to keeping your love alive. It has been observed that taking more loving actions indeed makes you feel more in love. In any conversation with your partner, whether it is personal or practical, always try to be kind in how you convey yourself. This way it softens your partner, even in heated moments. Continuing to be loving and generous has an enormous payoff as it not only keeps love alive, it nourishes a deeper level of intimacy.
3. Stay Clear Of Projection
Projection is a psychological defense system in which people accuse others of behaving or feeling a particular way because, in reality, they themselves feel that way. Projection can stem from difficult childhood experiences that get carried into adulthood. One of the common reason couples become so critical towards their spouse is that they tend to project the negative attribute of their parents or caretakers onto their partners. They also try to assume their spouse will act in the same manner that has hurt them in the past and often misread their partner’s words and actions.
4. Reflect On What You Love and Admire In Your Partner
Think of qualities about your partner you admire or feel amused by. If you like that he/she is adventurous, keep sharing new activities. If you enjoy your partner’s playfulness in your communication, encourage bantering and the exchanging new ideas. If you value that your spouse is warm and affectionate, ensure to connect with them every day, rather than getting caught up in other daily things. Your wife or husband will appreciate your interest in doing things with them that you know they love, and it is possible they will do the same for you.
5. Define Your Problems
Spend a few moments looking at your relationship and figure out which areas work and which don’t. Just imagine of perfect day in your perfect relationship. What would this look like? How would you and your spouse interact? Then develop a plan of how you might get from point X (your current situation) to point Y (the perfect day). Jot it down if you require so, then start breaking the issues into small-size pieces and resolving them one at a time.
Trust usually is the act of establishing confidence and being able to depend on someone or something. Trust is essential for relationships, to function and for any person to be relatively happy. Without trust, insecurity sets in.
Trust is a matter of degree, and certain life experiences can affect an individual’s ability to trust others. The matter of trust and relationships focuses on the question of whether the partners are honest and faithful enough to each other.
Being able to trust your partner is the most essential part of a being in a relationship. Trust is said to be the core foundation of every relationship from which a strong connection can be created. Without trust in a relationship, relationships will not grow and prosper to a deeper level.
Communication is an essential factor in creating trust between partners in a relationship. Partners must communicate about their problems instead of sitting on them and brooding. When the time comes for communication, do it face to face. Personal verbal communication bolsters the bond between partners in a relationship.
Try to avoid communicate over emails, phone calls or texts. Instead, make it more personal and direct. When communicating, ensure that you keep eye contact with your partner as frequent eye contact during a discussion increases the bond of partners.
Do Not Hide Secrets from Each Other
Trust needs honesty and openness. If you are looking to build trust in a relationship, you must avoid to keep secrets and be open with your partner. To become a trustworthy partner, you must be honest in all your conversations and dealings with your partner.
Secrets ruin up relationships quite rapidly, so it is important, to be honest, and sincere about issues that arise together or individually. Having an open mind towards your partner assists him or her to share their deep dark secrets which are a sign that they trust you.
Defining clear boundaries set together is important to develop trust amongst partners. Setting boundaries help in explaining how much space you are comfortable with, in a relationship, physically and emotionally.
Boundaries can be about any kind of things, how much time you need to be alone, how convenient you feel about your relationship to tell other people and so on. Accepting one another’s boundaries is helpful when it comes to creating trust in the relationship.
Learn To Say No
You need to understand one thing, everything that your partner wants is what you are willing or capable to provide. You do not have to say YES every time to everything your partner wants or asks to do. If you do not like the certain thing he or she proposes to do, simply say no. You should not be enslaved to a relationship. You should not be forced to sustain what you don’t like. When a relationship is based on equality, it will be easier for both of you to march forward.
Do not cater to the vagaries of your partner just to make him or her happy, as this will ruin the relationship.
Never Make Promises You Cannot Keep
Never break your promises. Keep your words and your promises. If you have promised your partner that you are going to do something, ensure that you do it.
It makes a lot of sense that you want to keep promises you have made to your partner, but often the little things you promised get forgotten. Keeping your promises about small things is as important as keeping your promises about the big ones
When you are late, call your partner and tell what is holding you down, remember to pick up those items from the local store and remember to pay the bills on time. Yes these things appear small and it might be overlooked, but they go a very long way towards developing trust in a relationship.
Do Not Cheat On Your Partner
It is in the natural configuration of humans to get attracted to more than one person. But this does not permit you to cheat on your partner. Even if you are bored in the relationship, resolve it up or else walk out of it. But you should not cheat on your partner simply because she/ he is not fun to be with or you do not enjoy his or her company any longer. To develop trust in a relationship, make sure you tell your partner plainly that you are not happy with the way things are amongst the two of you, and need to sort it out, or else, walk out of the relationship.
Take Accountability of Your Actions
Take ownership of your behaviour, action, and inaction. Never try to pass the blame to a situation or someone else. Be true with yourself and to your partner as to why you made your decisions.
Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo is experienced and certified ccounselling psychologistwith specialization in the area of Personal Crisis interventions like coping-up with Relationship Issues, Marriage Counselling, Separation & Divorce, Child and Adolescent issues, Depression, Stress, Domestic and Sexual Abuse, Loss & Grief, Suicidal feelings. Counsellor Shivani is currently working with India ‘s top hospital groups like Fortis Hospital, IBS (Indian Brain & Spine) Hospital and with Express Clinics.
Life of the married couples can turn up extremely hectic in cities, especially if they have school going children. Commonly today’s new academic curriculum, in most cases, puts extreme financial as well as personal pressure on couples. After a tiring day at the office and stressful driving back to home, they are expected to help kids finish their long list of homework, school projects, exam preparation and so on.
These things consume so much time of the couples that they usually forget that they have a life of their own as a couple that needs attention, rest, nourishment and refreshment.
Couples who are parents always appreciate a spontaneous date night. But in the free time between those spontaneous breaks away from your routine, arrange for a complete date night together. Date nights do not necessarily have to be expensive to be fun either. Plan for a less expensive date night that allows you both out of the house without having to think about your family budget.
2. Try a Getaway Together
Pack your bags and suitcase and get away for the night or a weekend. A romantic getaway refreshes you both and gives you some quality time outside of your daily family life. If your budget is limited, try for a one-night excursion and opt for a good local hotel. Or if you are thinking for a getaway on a weekend, then you can easily plan for nearby locales from your city or town.
3. Renew Your Wows
Looking for something to do together it’s a little bit elaborate? Renew your vows in front of family and friends or have a private ceremony in your living room. By renewing you give yourselves a great reminder of the bond you two share with each other and it is also a fun way to include your kids into your vow renewal ceremony.
4. Take Up New Hobbies Together
Find for some common ground and look for hobbies you would enjoy as a couple. There could be a simple connection between your hobbies, such as going to a nature park. He will look to spy through binoculars and you can take pictures of the birds or animals you find.
5. Look to Cook Together
People say that the couple that cooks together stays together. Well, take out the measuring cups and recipe book to spice things up in the kitchen. At least one night a month, you and your spouse must wait to eat dinner until the kids go to sleep. Then cook your meal together and enjoy a gentle quiet dinner for just the two of you. If you can get out of the house take a cooking class together to know some new recipes and cooking methods.
6. Celebrate Together
Every day should be of a celebration of your marriage and family. Celebrate those moments. Mark your calendar to celebrate your first meeting, the date of your engagement and, of course, your wedding. But also be sure to celebrate other moments of life. If your spouse gets a promotion, cook a special dish to celebrate or give him or her a gift. We often ignore these regular life moments and keep them under the rug but celebrating them as they happen is another way to celebrate you, your spouse and the life you have together as a couple.
Sometimes people can be surrounded by their spouse, kids, friends, and in-laws and still amongst all these people, deep down underneath they may be living a lonely life. Loneliness can come not only in absence of physical company but also when you don’t feel connected with the people you are living with.
When your spouse and kids are too busy and too focused & busy in their own lives that they just see you a part of the house and not part of themselves, then loneliness can turn into a real burden. It can leave you not knowing how to make things good? Should you try to talk to our partner? Or whatever causes this sense of loneliness makes it difficult? Apart from leaving you feeling isolated, loneliness can also make you feel vulnerable.
The big lesson which we need to learn in life right now is accepting circumstances and people the way they are. You should practice ASLAN, which stands for Acceptance, Surrender, Live And Know, this is the way it is supposed to be. ASLAN may not make sense to you, but the bottom line is that accepting your lonely marriage is the first step to coping with it. Instead of resisting your loneliness or hoping things were different, you need to accept that your marriage the way it is.
2.Cope With Your Loneliness In Healthy Manner
You need to take care of your own emotional and social needs. If you are married and lonely, you may need to create relationships outside of your marriage irrespective of your spouse is willing to build a better marriage with you or not. You may need to make friends by doing volunteer work, joining recreational clubs or hiking groups, joining a sports or spiritual organization, or taking continuing education classes. Test yourself by pursuing a different career or going back to school.
3.Accept What You Wish Your Spouse Could Give You
Do you want your spouse to support you, have more sex with you, speak to you, or give you company to events or functions? What do you want from your spouse? Before you learn how to cope with a lonely marriage, you need to figure out what you’re missing. It’s essential to accept that you’re married and isolated, but you also need to be certain about what you want from your partner. He/she may not be able to give you what you need, but you need to be clear on what you want or expect.
4.Realize That Married Yet Alone Frequently Go Hand In Hand
What are your expectations from your marriage and your partner? A friendless marriage is something we all cope with from time to time, but it’s not as complicated when we expect to be. Our partners can’t be there for us all the time. If your spouse is never there for you or is emotionally abusive. You may need to pull away, in order to protect yourself.
5.Practice The Skills Of Enjoying Your Own Company
We often feel that he/she isn’t comfortable being alone because he/she feels uncertain and lost. People haven’t found themselves, their identity, self-confidence. They haven’t learned to enjoy their own company and more significantly they haven’t learned how to take care of their own needs. People are setting themselves up to cope with a lonely marriage because they expect too much from their partner.
Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Being alone is a fact whereas loneliness is a feeling. You can feel lonely when you are with friends or with your partner.
At the same time, you don’t need to feel lonely when you are alone.
In other words, loneliness can be termed as the desire to get connected with someone and that someone is not available. This can certainly occur when we are alone, but it also occurs in relationships when one or both partners are unavailable for connection perhaps due to anger, doubts, distrust, withdrawn, tired, ill or just being complacent in the relationship.
1. When a person is emotionally fragile, many times it’s seen that such personalities start protecting themselves from getting emotionally hurt by expressing anger or by withdrawal. In such a scenario, their partner finds it difficult to connect with them.
2. One may feel lonely with his/her partner when their partner deliberately shuts them out with work, TV, food, alcohol, hobbies, the Internet so on and so forth.
3. One may feel lonely when he/she tries to have control over their partner’s feelings. Since no one in this world likes to be controlled and such tendencies soon pushes away the person’s partner physically and emotionally.
4. One may feel lonely if the other half keeps judging them regarding their thoughts, feelings, looks or actions. Judgment creates disconnection, and disconnection can be very lonely.
5. One may also feel lonely when their partner can’t connect with them due to being overly tired, frazzled and overwhelmed or unwell.
In today’s fast moving lifestyle, building a healthy and long lasting relationship with your spouse is not easy; a large portion of the population that daily faces professional, travel and financial pressures, find the least time and energy to devote to their family and spouse.
One of the effective good relationship habits is to go to bed at the same time. Remember happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. There’s nothing more soothing than a bedtime cuddle.
2. They don’t expect their partner to read their mind; they ask for what they need:
The happiest couples generally ask for what they need and listen to each other’s needs. Running around hoping that another person will know what you need or that you are supposed to know exactly what they need is a recipe for disaster. The happiest couples are delighted to openly talk about needs and honour differences in needs without feeling like anyone should have already known or that their ‘soul mate’ will have the same needs as them.
3. Always trust and try to forgive.
In every relationship, there would be arguments and small fights but couples who are dedicated towards their relationship make a habit to trust and forgive, rather than distrusting and begrudging as their default setting after an argument.
4. They focus on what they do right, not what they do wrong.
Positive reinforcement is an age-old concept used with children but it’s also important for fully grown adults too. So compliment your partner when they deserve it and try not to look for things they do wrong.
One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to be nice to your partner when you’re upset with them. It’s also one of the most important moments to be kind.The act of not choosing kindness is therefore doubly hurtful to our partners and to ourselves because it undercuts our efforts for growth and the potential for greater intimacy.
I see couples in my chamber who want to “solve” their issues first before going out for an ice cream or relaxing over dinner. It will never work. It’s not possible to solve problems with someone you don’t want to collaborate with.
I often encourage couples to do an activity together to enjoy their love – despite their insinuations! It is much easier to discuss problems with your best friend than with your enemy.
It’s easier to offer a smile and to extend an olive branch to the person who is in the struggle with us – not against us.
About the author: Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo is the consulting Counsellor at Fortis Hospital, IBS (Indian Brain & Spine) Hospital and with Express Clinics. She has served over thousands plus happy & satisfied individual and couples in India and abroad. She is one of India’s eminent Marriage Counsellor & Relationship Expert, who is frequently been featured by leading newspapers, magazines and TV channels.
When we get married, most of us experience a “best days of my life” kind of phase. Everything seems so awesome and so romantic, we start believing that nothing can ever go wrong. Then slowly the time passes by and without our notice, our life situations starts to change and we add– work stress, financial pressure, kids, in-laws interferences, no time to spend with our partner and etc.
Then suddenly we realise that something has gone terribly (intensity differs from couple to couple) wrong in the relationship – we don’t feel that sexual attraction towards each other that we used to feel before, we hardly talk with each other and when we talk, it’s all about issues at home or with kids. Lately, we have started fighting too frequently and gradually we both have increased the bar of insults, abuses and hurt we give to each other during a conflict.
This happens to most of the couples in today’s fast pace lifestyle and the reason for it could be in general, couples don’t go into a relationship with the know-how or understanding of how to manage their relationship challenges. Hence it’s essential if the couple finds themselves incapable to bring back their romantic relationship and to eradicate the distance between themselves, then they should ideally consult an professional, i.e. a marriage counsellor.
Now the question is: how do you know at what stage you should immediately consult marriage counsellor before things turn complex, painful and devastating? Today Delhi’s eminent Marriage Counsellor and Relationship Expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares some of the important trigger points and behaviours in relationships that are signs you may need help.
Early stage indicators
When there is too less communication between you too, and whenever you talk, you talk about matters related to home, kids and EMI’s. Even if you try to talk something about your relationship, those conversations generally start by accusing each other, gradually end up into ugly quarrels.
You have started finding it okay to spend days or month without your partner expressing his/her emotional support and love.
You are living more like roommates rather than husband and wife.
You have started finding it difficult to get sexually attracted to your partner and gradually you both has lost the physical urge to get connected to your partner.
Advance stage indicators to consult a marriage counsellor immediately (when you miss to consult a counsellor at the early stages of marital issues and let your marital life reach the following adverse conditions)
Gradually, either you or your partner or you both have trust issues with each other.
You or your partner has started feeling attracted to someone outside marriage.
You or your partner or you both have started having an extra marital relationship, the only reason you are together is for of kids or you are waiting for your partner to initiate the lawful separation.