Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Summary

• Delulu in love means getting carried away by romantic fantasies and seeing deeper meaning in small gestures.
• A little optimism can make dating feel exciting, but ignoring red flags, rejection, or one-sided effort can become unhealthy.
• Enjoy the butterflies, but stay connected to reality and pay attention to genuine communication and mutual effort.

.

Falling in love is magical. It always has been. But what we call that magic, and how we experience it, has changed with the times. Once upon a time, love was all about handwritten letters, stolen glances, long waits by the telephone and the innocent belief that one special person could make all the difference.

Today, love comes with dating apps, texting, Instagram, Situationships and an entirely new vocabulary for matters of the heart. And now, Gen Z has given romance yet another twist, turning what was once simply used as slang into a playful way of describing the wonderfully irrational side of falling in love. It is called ‘Delulu’.

So, Are You Delulu In Love? Eminent couples therapist, in Delhi, Shivani Misri Sadhoo answers this question and explains how this modern-day dating trend is Taking Romance to Another Level.

What Does ‘Delulu In Love’ Really Mean?

The word ‘Delulu’ is short for “delusional”. When someone is ‘Delulu in Love’, it means they are so blindly infatuated with someone that they start fantasizing about a romantic relationship, even when there may be little or no reality behind it. It describes a state of extreme idealism where you ignore obvious red flags, invent deep romantic connections out of minor interactions. A simple morning text or a polite smile or a little extra attention can make you feel special. You start believing in a love story that is unreal and exists mostly in your imagination.

“Let love inspire your imagination, but let reality guide your heart.” Says relationship and couples counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

Origin of The Word ‘Delulu’

It all began with K-pop (short for Korean pop) fan slang around 2014. The word ‘Delulu’ was originally used for fans who seriously imagined dating or marrying their favourite pop stars. The term later gained popularity on other social media platforms. Today, being “delulu” in love often means happily getting carried away by romantic fantasies, even when reality may suggest otherwise.

How Does One Know if They Are ‘Delulu in Love’?

Some of the ways to know are:

1. Wishful Thinking

One of the biggest signs is when you start seeing meaning in every little thing the other person does. They appreciate your social media posts, reply to your messages promptly, flash you a cute smile or always remember your birthdays. Such sweet gestures are often enough to make you believe that there is definitely something more. But the reality is that there may be no special romantic meaning behind any of this. Sometimes a smile is just a smile. They are being nice to you. That’s all! A quick reply may simply mean they are just courteous and as for liking your social media posts, that could simply mean they enjoyed what you shared. Remembering your birthday could be a simple coincidence or they might be doing it for others as well.

2. No Real Conversations

You may spend hours imagining conversations, dates and romantic moments with someone, while barely talking to them in real life. You may even convince yourself that they understand how you feel. But a relationship cannot grow on assumptions and daydreams.

3. Ignore The Mistakes

When you are deeply in love, you may find yourself making excuses for their behaviour. You tend to ignore broken promises, cancelled plans, lies, etc. because you want the relationship to work. But if these things keep repeating, then they are not considered as small mistakes. They indicate that something is not quite right.

4. When You Chase Them Always

Love should feel mutual, not like something you have to chase. So, if you’re the one who is always calling, texting, checking in or making plans while your significant other is simply busy rejecting your ideas politely or rarely makes the same effort, it is evident that you’re more interested than they are. Love should not feel forced.

Is it Good to Be ‘Delulu in Love’?

Here a few reasons:

1. Being Optimistic

With ‘Delulu’, you tend to become bolder and more confident. Instead of overthinking every text or worrying about rejection, you allow yourself to hope, flirt and take a chance. You may read too much into a smile, but that little optimism can push you to meet someone, express your feelings and enjoy the excitement of falling in love.

2. Everything is Fine

Sometimes, being a little Delulu, that is choosing to believe things are fine instead of jumping to the worst conclusion can make dating easier. If someone takes too long to reply, you might console yourself by thinking they are busy rather than assuming that your special someone has lost interest. This kind of a positive mindset can help you staycalm and confident.

28-Sep-2026Did you know that being a little Delulu in Love can actually boost your mood and lift your spirits? When you imagine the sweet moments, replay conversations or picture a future together, your brain’s feel-good chemical (Dopamine) gets a boost. That is what makes you feel happier and lighter, even before anything serious and meaningful happens.

Is There Something Bad About Being ‘Delulu in Love’?

1. Blurred Reality

As you know, being ‘Delulu in love’ can make you see what you want to see instead of what is actually happening. You may overlook lies, poor treatment, broken promises or a lack of effort because you keep hoping things will improve. You may even make excuses for someone who repeatedly hurts you, making it harder to recognise when it is time to walk away.

2. The Unhealthy Effect

Being a little ‘Delulu in love’ can be fun which is usually harmless. But, sometimes it can even become unhealthy when fantasy takes over reality. If you keep believing someone loves you despite clear signs that they don’t, you may ignore rejection, misunderstand their behaviour and create a relationship that exists only in your mind.

3. Poor Self-esteem

What it does to your self-esteem can be quite damaging. When you keep imagining a relationship that may not exist, every small disappointment can make you question your own worth. You may withdraw from people who care about you, stop enjoying real relationships and become increasingly dependent on unreal connections just for the sake of happiness. Over time, this can leave you feeling insecure, isolated and lonely.

4. Reading Too Much

Sometimes, being “delulu” in love can make you see feelings where none exist. A smile, a quick reply or simple kindness may suddenly feel like a secret message. You may keep looking for signs, even when the other person has shown no real interest. Over time, this can lead to disappointment, obsession and difficulty accepting reality, especially after rejection.

Being a little ‘Delulu in Love’ can make romance exciting, hopeful and fun. But when fantasy starts replacing reality, it can lead to disappointment, confusion and hurt. Enjoy the butterflies, but also pay attention to what is actually happening. After all, Delulu is not always the Solulu (solution) when it comes to love!

Summary

• Potential describes who someone might become, while behaviour shows who they are today.
• Supporting personal growth is different from waiting indefinitely for someone to change.
• A healthy relationship should be evaluated by its present reality as well as its future possibilities.

Sometimes, a relationship can feel full of promise even when the present reality is complicated. You may see how caring, confident, ambitious or emotionally available your partner could become and find yourself deeply attached to that possibility.

But there is a subtle difference between supporting someone’s growth and building a relationship around who you hope they will eventually become. When the imagined future becomes more important than the person in front of you, you may find yourself loving potential rather than reality, shares Shivani Misri Sadhoo who is an eminent couples therapist in Delhi.

Why Does Relationship Potential Feel So Powerful?

Potential gives a relationship a sense of possibility. You may notice someone’s good qualities and imagine how much better the relationship could become if certain things changed.

Perhaps they communicate poorly now but you believe they will eventually open up. Maybe they avoid commitment but you expect them to become ready. Or they have qualities you love, while the behaviours that hurt you are treated as temporary.

Hope itself is not a problem. The difficulty begins when hope becomes the main reason for staying despite a consistent pattern in the present.

“You can believe in someone’s potential without making your happiness dependent on who they might become.” Cites Shivani Misri Sadhoo a Certified Gottman Level 3 Couples Therapist.

The Difference Between Potential and Reality

Every person can change and grow. However, potential is something imagined, while behaviour is something observable.

Someone may say they want to become more communicative, responsible or committed. Those intentions matter, but their repeated actions provide more information about where they currently stand.

A healthy relationship does not require someone to be perfect. It does, however, require you to recognise the person they actually are rather than constantly adjusting your expectations around who they might become.

When You Start Explaining Away Their Behaviour

One sign of the potential trap is repeatedly making excuses for behaviour that hurts you.

You might tell yourself that they are distant because they have had a difficult past, that they will become more reliable once their career settles down, or that they will eventually understand what you need.

Understanding someone’s circumstances can create empathy, but it does not automatically change the impact of their behaviour on the relationship.

You May Become Attached to the Future

When your emotional investment is based heavily on what could happen, the relationship can start feeling like a project.

Instead of enjoying the relationship as it exists, you may constantly wait for the next stage: when they become more committed, communicate better, change their priorities or finally become the partner you imagined.

This can make the present feel like something you simply have to tolerate until the future arrives.

Supporting Growth Is Different From Waiting for Change

There is an important distinction between encouraging a partner and expecting them to transform.

Supporting growth means accepting that your partner is responsible for their own choices while appreciating genuine progress. Waiting for change can mean staying emotionally invested in a version of someone that does not yet exist.

A partner can grow while remaining fundamentally themselves. You should not have to construct an entirely different version of them in your imagination to make the relationship work.

Pay Attention to Patterns, Not Promises Alone

Words can communicate intentions, but patterns reveal consistency.

If someone repeatedly says they will change but their behaviour remains unchanged, it may be useful to look at what is actually happening rather than relying solely on future promises.

This does not mean people cannot change. It simply means meaningful change is generally demonstrated through consistent behaviour over time.

Ask Yourself What You Are Experiencing Now

A useful way to reflect on a relationship is to temporarily remove the imagined future from the picture.

Consider the relationship as it exists today. Do you feel respected? Can you communicate openly? Are your needs acknowledged? Is there mutual effort? Do you enjoy the relationship beyond the hope that it will eventually become something different?

These questions can help separate genuine compatibility from attachment to potential.

Love the Person, Not Just the Possibility

Relationships naturally involve hopes, plans and dreams for the future. Wanting your partner to grow is not inherently unhealthy.

The problem arises when the future version of someone becomes the reason you tolerate an unsatisfying present. A relationship has to exist in the present, not only in the version you imagine it could become.

Recognising the difference between someone’s potential and their current reality can help you understand what you are actually choosing—and what you are simply hoping will happen.

Summary

• Bare minimum is not enough: Healthy relationships need consistent care, effort and emotional support.
• Effort should be mutual: Both partners must communicate, compromise and contribute to the relationship.
• Respect and consistency matter: Genuine love is shown through everyday actions, understanding and trust.

Relationships are often built on love, trust, care and mutual understanding. However, in today’s world, people are beginning to question what they truly deserve from a partner.

Simply being present, replying occasionally or avoiding major mistakes may once have been considered enough. Now, many people believe that healthy relationships require more than the bare minimum.

The phrase “bare minimum” refers to the basic effort someone makes to maintain a relationship. While these actions are important, they should not be mistaken for genuine emotional investment.

A strong relationship needs consistency, communication, respect and a willingness to grow together, shares Shivani Misri Sadhoo, who is an experienced couples counselor in Delhi.

What Does “Bare Minimum” Mean in a Relationship?

The bare minimum includes basic actions that should naturally exist in a healthy relationship. These may include being honest, showing basic respect, communicating regularly and remaining faithful.

These are not extraordinary acts. They are the foundation of a relationship. When someone expects praise for doing only these basic things, it may suggest that the relationship lacks deeper effort.

For example, replying to a partner only when convenient, remembering important dates occasionally or offering support only after repeated reminders may not create a strong emotional connection.

A relationship cannot thrive when one person is constantly asking for attention, care or understanding.

“Love is not just about being present; it is about making your partner feel valued, heard and genuinely cared for.” Says Gottman Certified marriage counselor in Delhi, Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

Why Are People Expecting More Today?

People are becoming more aware of emotional well-being, personal boundaries and relationship standards. Social media, conversations around mental health and changing ideas about partnership have encouraged individuals to reflect on what makes a relationship fulfilling.

Many people no longer want relationships where they feel ignored, emotionally unsupported or taken for granted. They want partners who actively participate in building a meaningful connection.

This does not mean expecting perfection or grand romantic gestures every day. Instead, it means wanting consistent effort, emotional availability and a sense that both people genuinely care about the relationship.

Emotional Availability Matters

Being physically present is not the same as being emotionally available. A partner may spend time in the same room but still remain distant, distracted or unwilling to discuss feelings.

Emotional availability means being willing to listen, understand concerns and create a safe space for honest communication. It involves showing interest in a partner’s experiences, fears, goals and emotional needs.

People increasingly want relationships where they can express themselves without feeling judged or dismissed. Emotional support is not an extra benefit; it is an important part of emotional intimacy.

Consistency Is More Important Than Occasional Grand Gestures

A surprise date, expensive gift or romantic message can feel special, but meaningful relationships are built through everyday actions. Consistency often matters more than occasional displays of affection.

Checking in after a difficult day, remembering small details, keeping promises and making time for each other can create a stronger bond than dramatic gestures.

When effort appears only after an argument or when a partner feels they might lose the relationship, it may not feel genuine. Healthy effort should be regular rather than dependent on conflict or pressure.

Communication Should Not Feel Like a One-Person Responsibility

In many relationships, one partner becomes responsible for starting difficult conversations, solving misunderstandings and keeping the connection alive. This can create emotional exhaustion over time.

A healthy relationship requires both partners to communicate openly. This includes discussing expectations, addressing problems respectfully and being willing to listen without becoming defensive.

Good communication does not mean agreeing on everything. It means making an effort to understand each other and finding ways to handle differences with maturity.

Effort Should Be Mutual

A relationship becomes unbalanced when one person is always planning, apologising, supporting and making compromises while the other simply receives the benefits.

Mutual effort does not always look identical. One partner may express love through words, while the other may show it through actions. What matters is that both people contribute in ways that make the relationship feel valued and secure.

When effort is mutual, neither person feels that they are carrying the entire emotional responsibility of the partnership.

Respecting Boundaries and Individuality

Modern relationships are also placing greater importance on personal boundaries and individuality. Being in love does not mean giving up personal interests, friendships, goals or independence.

A supportive partner respects personal space and understands that both individuals need time for themselves. Healthy love should encourage growth rather than create control, fear or emotional dependence.

Respect also means accepting a partner’s feelings, opinions and limitations, even when they are different from one’s own.

Bare Minimum Versus Genuine Care

There is a clear difference between simply avoiding harmful behaviour and actively making a relationship better.

Not lying, not cheating and not being abusive are basic expectations. Genuine care goes further by showing kindness, offering support, making thoughtful decisions and considering how one’s actions affect the other person.

A partner who truly values the relationship does not only ask, “What can I get away with?” Instead, they think about how they can contribute to trust, comfort and emotional security.

Healthy Expectations Are Not the Same as Unrealistic Demands

Expecting more effort does not mean demanding constant attention, expensive gifts or a perfect relationship. Every person has different responsibilities, emotional needs and limitations.

Healthy expectations are based on respect, honesty, consistency and communication. Unrealistic demands, on the other hand, may involve expecting a partner to meet every emotional need or never make mistakes.

The goal is not perfection. It is a relationship where both people are willing to acknowledge mistakes, make improvements and show that the connection matters.

Building Relationships Beyond the Bare Minimum

The changing attitude towards relationships reflects a desire for deeper and more meaningful partnerships. People want to feel chosen, heard, respected and supported—not merely tolerated.

Moving beyond the bare minimum involves small but consistent actions: listening carefully, keeping promises, communicating openly, showing appreciation and making space for each other’s growth.

A fulfilling relationship is not measured only by the absence of problems. It is measured by the presence of care, understanding and shared effort.

A New Standard for Love

The bare minimum may keep a relationship functioning, but genuine effort helps it grow. Love requires more than simply being present; it requires emotional involvement, responsibility and a willingness to show up consistently.

As relationship expectations continue to evolve, people are recognising that they deserve partnerships where effort is mutual and affection is expressed through everyday actions.

A healthy relationship should not make someone grateful for basic respect—it should make both partners feel valued, understood and loved.

Your day is incomplete without talking to the person you love. You can’t imagine a day without them. Just when you start dreaming of a future with your favourite person and discuss your future goals together, something changes drastically.

The relationship moves beyond attraction and excitement. Conversations become deeper and expectations begin to emerge. You may meet each other’s families, make plans together or simply become more emotionally invested. And, strangely enough, this is often when one person begins to retreat.

Calls become less frequent. Replies take longer. Plans are postponed. The warmth that once came effortlessly now feels strangely measured.

So, what is happening exactly?

If you are also wondering why do people pull away just when the relationship gets serious, then this article might be interesting for you. Let’s read what eminent marriage counsellor, in Delhi,  Shivani Misri Sadhoo has to say about this.

How do you know that your partner is pulling away?

Some of the signs that may include some or all the below given points:

1. Less communication: Yes, this is perhaps one of the tell-tale signs of someone pulling away from a relationship. They avoid long conversations, especially the ones that talk about future goals and aspirations.

2. Avoid calls/ messages: Your partner has suddenly started avoiding your calls or maybe responding late for your messages. Another sign that they are clearly ignoring any kind of interaction at the moment.

3. Lack of Intimacy: You are being ‘stonewalled’ every now and then. The person who once eagerly shared their thoughts, feelings and everyday experiences with you is suddenly becoming distant. There is an emotional distance between the two of you. This could be a subtle sign of the partner trying to pull away fearing that the relationship is taking a serious turn.

4. Sudden Irritation: The person who always used to listen to you calmly gets irritated or angry nowadays.

These are just some of the signs that one can notice when a person tries to pull away from a relationship.

“Sometimes people pull away not because they stop loving, but because commitment awakens fears they have not yet learned to face.” Opines Gottman Certified Couples Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

What are the reasons of pulling away from a relationship when it starts getting serious?

Some of the reasons are:

1. Fear Of Commitment

 One of the biggest reasons why many people pull away the moment a relationship starts getting serious is fear of commitment. When you are dating things often feel light and casual. You enjoy each other’s company without necessarily having to think too far ahead. You take each day as it comes without worrying about tomorrow. But as the relationship deepens, the equation begins to change.

Suddenly, future goals become important. Expectations grow and one starts discussing about family responsibilities. For some, this can feel a bit too much to handle. They start feeling nervous. Instead of confronting those fears, they may choose to retreat or pull away from the relationship.

2. Past Trauma/ Past Negative Experience

Past trauma or a painful relationship in the past can quietly shape how someone responds when a new relationship begins to feel serious. If they have once been betrayed, abandoned, controlled or deeply hurt, commitment may trigger those old fears all over again. They do not want to experience the same unhappiness and hence prefer to pull away from the relationship when it gets serious.

3. Fear Of Losing Freedom

Yet another reason people pull away when a relationship becomes serious is the fear of losing their independence. The very thought of sharing every little part of life, be it their room, same routines, even being seen in pyjamas with dishevelled hair can feel strangely uncomfortable.

They don’t feel at ease. Although it does not necessarily mean that there is no love in the relationship anymore, but it’s just that they may fear losing the freedom and private space they have grown accustomed to. And when commitment begins to feel like a surrender of that independence, they instinctively retreat, seeking distance before they feel they have lost themselves.

4. Lack Of Emotional Presence

Not every withdrawal means someone has stopped caring. Sometimes, it could be a busy schedule, family troubles, poor health or a personal crisis or poor health condition that may be responsible for this unintentional distance between the partners. Psychologists call it Situational Emotional Unavailability, and with time, understanding and support, it can often pass.

Chronic Emotional Unavailability, however, is different. It is a recurring pattern: whenever emotional intimacy deepens, the person instinctively creates distance. They may feel deeply, but have learnt to protect themselves by keeping those feelings safely out of reach. And this is exactly when relationships become complex. One partner seeks greater proximity, while the emotionally unavailable partner feels overwhelmed and pulls away.

5. Afraid Of Being Rejected

Nobody would want to suffer from the pain of being rejected by someone they deeply love. For some, that fear becomes so powerful that they would rather pull away than risk being hurt. It’s like saying ‘goodbye’ first before the other person says it. They don’t want to be tagged as a loser. But, the saddest part is that they are still in love, yet they prefer to save themselves from being hurt.

Thus, it is evident from this article that people sometimes pull away from relationships for various reasons. This could be fear of commitment, past trauma, fear of losing one’s independence, emotional unavailability or fear of rejection. Sometimes stepping back doesn’t mean love has disappeared.

It simply means that a person might be struggling with their own fears. Let’s not misunderstand these people always. But if someone chooses to pull away simply because the love is no longer there, it is better to be honest than to leave the other person confused, waiting and wondering what went wrong.

Summary

• More communication isn’t always better communication—constant discussions can sometimes increase misunderstandings and emotional stress.
• Healthy relationships need balance, combining open conversations with personal space, reflection, and emotional independence.
• Effective communication focuses on clarity and resolution, rather than repeatedly revisiting the same concerns or seeking endless reassurance.

Communication is often described as the foundation of a healthy relationship. Couples are encouraged to talk openly, express their feelings, and discuss concerns before they become larger problems. While effective communication is essential, there is a lesser-known reality that many people overlook: too much communication can sometimes become counterproductive.

When every emotion, thought, concern, or insecurity is constantly discussed, relationships can become emotionally exhausting rather than emotionally connected. In some situations, overcommunication can increase misunderstandings, intensify conflicts, and create unnecessary stress for both partners, says Shivani Misri Sadhoo, who is an experienced marriage counsellor in Delhi.

Can Too Much Communication Harm a Relationship?

Communication is beneficial when it promotes understanding and connection. However, when partners repeatedly analyze every interaction, revisit resolved issues, or constantly seek reassurance, conversations can become overwhelming. Instead of fostering closeness, excessive discussion may lead to emotional fatigue, frustration, and tension.

Healthy relationships require both communication and emotional space to process thoughts, emotions, and experiences independently.

Couples counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo says that “Communication strengthens relationships, but when every thought becomes a discussion and every feeling becomes a debate, connection can give way to conflict.”

The Difference Between Healthy Communication and Overcommunication

Healthy communication focuses on expressing needs, resolving concerns, and building mutual understanding. Overcommunication occurs when conversations become repetitive, excessive, or driven by anxiety rather than genuine problem-solving.

Repeatedly discussing the same issue without reaching a resolution can leave both partners feeling unheard, even when they have spent hours talking about it.

How Constant Discussions Can Escalate Conflict?

Not every disagreement requires immediate or prolonged discussion. Sometimes emotions need time to settle before productive conversations can take place. When partners continuously revisit sensitive topics, small disagreements can evolve into larger conflicts.

The pressure to discuss every concern immediately may increase defensiveness and make constructive resolution more difficult.

Emotional Exhaustion from Continuous Processing

Relationships thrive when partners feel emotionally safe and supported. However, constant emotional processing can become draining. When one or both partners feel obligated to repeatedly explain, justify, or analyze their feelings, conversations may start to feel like obligations rather than opportunities for connection.

Over time, this emotional exhaustion can reduce relationship satisfaction and increase stress.

The Role of Personal Space in Emotional Well-Being

Healthy relationships balance togetherness with individuality. Personal reflection allows individuals to understand their emotions before sharing them with a partner.

Taking time to think, calm down, or gain perspective often leads to more meaningful and productive conversations. Emotional space should not be mistaken for avoidance; rather, it can be an important tool for maintaining emotional balance.

When Reassurance Becomes a Source of Stress?

Seeking reassurance is natural, especially during challenging periods in a relationship. However, excessive reassurance-seeking can unintentionally create pressure on a partner.

Constantly asking for validation may shift conversations away from genuine connection and toward managing anxiety. Developing self-confidence and emotional security alongside relationship support can help create healthier communication patterns.

Building a Balanced Communication Style

Strong relationships are not built on constant conversation but on effective conversation. Partners benefit from discussing important matters honestly while also recognizing when an issue has been adequately addressed. Listening, respecting boundaries, allowing emotions to settle, and focusing on solutions rather than endless analysis can help maintain a healthier balance.

Communication remains one of the most important elements of a successful relationship, but more communication is not always better communication. When conversations become excessive, repetitive, or driven by anxiety, they can contribute to conflict and emotional stress rather than resolution.

By balancing openness with personal space, couples can create healthier interactions that strengthen connection without overwhelming the relationship.

Summary

• Subtle Disconnection: Hidden red flags like recurring forgetfulness, excessive secrecy, and sudden password changes slowly destroy basic trust.
• Communication Breakdown: Defensive habits like stonewalling and constant self-censorship out of fear stop true emotional intimacy.
• Hollow Apologies and Disrespect: Relationships fracture internally when partners feel chronically undervalued, dismissed, or receive meaningless, empty apologies.

A house looks beautiful not merely because it has been designed artistically. Its true beauty lies in what exists within its walls. No matter how grand the architecture may be or how elegant its décor, a house can only become a home when it is filled with warmth, love, respect, and a sense of belonging. Our relationships are also somewhat similar.

The few key ingredients of a healthy relationship such as trust, respect, honesty, communication, and kindness should be nurtured with love. But, even if you feel that your relationship is perfect and happy, there may be a few red flags that you probably have missed. Eminent marriage counsellor, relationship expert in India, Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares some of the Key Red Flags in a Perfect Happy Relationship That Often Goes Unnoticed.

What Makes a “Perfect” Relationship Turn Sour?

A relationship can look flawlessly curated to the outside world while slowly fracturing from within. The most dangerous threats to a couple’s happiness are not explosive arguments, but the quiet, incremental erosion of safety and trust. When core foundational values like mutual respect and transparent communication begin to fade, they are replaced by subtle toxic habits. These behaviors gradually build emotional walls, turning what once felt like a secure sanctuary into a hollow, disconnected space.

Couples therapist, Shivani Misri Sadhoo says, that “A relationship is like a home; its true beauty is not how perfect it looks from the outside, but whether it provides warmth, safety, and honesty within its walls.”

1. Taken For Granted

Sometimes, life can be really hectic. One may forget wishing their partner on their special occasions like a birthday or an anniversary, or perhaps the day they never used to forget—’the day they met’. And, it could all be due to the countless deadlines, important meetings and conferences, or family responsibilities.

But, when that forgetfulness becomes a recurring pattern, it can be considered as a red flag. It simply shows that your partner does not really bother about your feelings and is probably taking you for granted. With time, this quiet indifference can create an emotional distance, even in a relationship that otherwise looks happy and perfect.

2. They Don’t Respect You

Respect is one of those key ingredients of a happy and beautiful relationship. There is no compromise when it comes to feeling valued, heard, and acknowledged by the person you love. The fact that you exist should be reason enough for your partner to treat you with kindness, consideration, and dignity.

You should never have to fight for basic respect or constantly prove your worth. The moment you start feeling disrespected, unheard, or find yourself being in a situation where your opinions are not given importance, it is a prominent red flag that irrespective of how perfect your relationship might look from outside, there is something seriously wrong somewhere. And, the more you ignore, the worse it becomes.

3. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is yet another red flag that often goes unnoticed in an otherwise seemingly happy and a picture-perfect relationship. If you are wondering what Stonewalling is, then it simply means emotionally shutting down and refusing to communicate or engage when a difficult conversation or conflict arises.

Instead of trying to communicate, one partner may withdraw completely, give the cold shoulder, avoid eye contact, offer one-word replies, or suddenly find ways to distract themselves from the discussion. While it may appear harmless on the surface, stonewalling creates emotional distance, leaving the other person feeling disconnected.

4. You’re Uncomfortable Around Your Partner

When you are in a relationship, it is expected that you would share your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and even the little details of your day with your partner. A relationship can be called healthy when both the partners are on the same page. They happily share things, moments, laughter, and never feel uncomfortable around each other.

 However, if you find yourself holding back, avoiding certain conversations or constantly worrying about how your partner might react, it is worth paying attention to. The fear of being judged, criticised, dismissed, or misunderstood can slowly create emotional distance.

Over a period of time, this hesitation stands as a barrier between two people, preventing honest communication and emotional intimacy from flourishing. What begins as occasional self-censorship can gradually turn into a habit of suppressing thoughts, feelings, and concerns. 

5. Too Secretive

Is your partner hiding too many things from you? Are they being too secretive? Earlier, you knew each other’s phone passwords. But, now you don’t! The password has been suddenly changed and you are left in dark.

Now, this is often the temperament of someone who is not really comfortable being transparent about their actions. Of course, every individual requires their personal space. Not every thought, or conversation, needs to be shared with a partner. Sometimes people keep things to themselves simply because they don’t want to be the reason for your tension.

 But, when your partner starts hiding almost every matter from you, then it is definitely a red flag in your seemingly perfect and happy relationship. Honesty is not about seeking permission; it is about building trust. If meeting an old school friend who was once your first crush is truly no big deal, then why hide it? If spending an evening at a newly opened pub, exchanging messages with an ex, deleting chats, or withholding details about frequent conversations with a particular person feels harmless, then why keep it a secret?

When such small omissions become a habit, they slowly erode trust, and over time a partner begins to wonder not just about what is being hidden, but why it is being hidden in the first place. That quiet erosion of trust is what makes secrecy such an often-overlooked red flag.

6. When Apologies Don’t Mean Anything

You know that you made a mistake. You say ‘Sorry’. You assure your partner that it won’t happen again and promise that you’ll be more mindful in the future. But then, after a few days, you make another mistake and this time too, you say sorry to your partner. But, when this becomes a pattern, the apology sounds hollow.

Those 3 words, “I am Sorry” had no significance at all. Genuine remorse is reflected not just in words, but in changed actions. If someone repeatedly hurts their partner in the same way despite repeated apologies, it is certainly a red flag that often goes unnoticed in otherwise happy relationships.

These red flags are often subtle and easy to overlook because they rarely appear as dramatic warning signs. Instead, they quietly slip into everyday interactions and gradually become part of the relationship.

A healthy relationship is always built on trust, mutual respect, honesty, candid communication, and emotional safety. When you begin to feel emotionally distant, taken for granted, disrespected, stonewalled, uncomfortable and hesitant around your partner and feel their repeated apologies are not genuine, and that they are too secretive, it is high time you think seriously about your relationship. Even if it appears to be perfect from outside, there is something wrong internally. 

Summary

• Long-term relationships are difficult to end because emotional bonds and shared memories create deep attachment.
• Fear of loneliness, change, and starting life over often keeps people holding on longer.
• Time, emotional investment, and a shared identity can make letting go feel like losing a part of yourself.

Relationships become a major part of a person’s emotional world. Over the years, couples build memories, routines, trust, future plans, and emotional dependence. A long-term relationship often becomes deeply connected to identity and daily life. That is why ending such a relationship is rarely a simple decision. It often feels like losing not just a partner, but also a shared history, emotional security, and a future once imagined, says Shivani Misri Sadhoo who is one of the experienced couples therapist in Delhi.

Why do people find it so difficult to end long-term relationships?

The answer often lies in a combination of emotional, psychological, and practical reasons. Marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo opines that “Sometimes the hardest endings are not about losing someone, but about letting go of the life you once imagined with them.”

Reason 1: Deep Emotional Attachment

One of the biggest reasons people struggle to leave is emotional attachment. Years of love, support, shared struggles, and intimate moments create powerful emotional bonds. Even when problems appear, those emotional memories remain strong. People often stay connected not only to the person, but also to what the relationship once meant.

Reason 2: Fear of Starting Over

Beginning again can feel overwhelming. After spending years with one person, the idea of rebuilding life, creating new routines, or opening up to someone new can create anxiety. For many, the uncertainty of starting over feels more frightening than staying in an unhappy relationship.

Reason 3: Comfort in Familiarity

Even imperfect relationships can feel comfortable because they are familiar. Shared routines, habits, and everyday patterns create a sense of stability. The human mind often prefers what feels known, even when it is emotionally difficult, because uncertainty can feel riskier.

Reason 4: Hope That Things Will Change

Many people hold onto the belief that things can improve. They remember happier times, early love, and promises made during better phases of the relationship. This hope can make it difficult to accept that some relationships may no longer be healthy or sustainable.

Reason 5: Fear of Loneliness

The thought of being alone can be deeply uncomfortable. Long-term relationships often provide companionship, emotional support, and a sense of belonging. Losing that connection can create fear, making some people stay even when they are unhappy.

Reason 6: Emotional and Time Investment

When someone has invested years of love, effort, and emotional energy into a relationship, walking away can feel like losing something valuable. People often think about the time they spent together and struggle with the idea of letting all of it go.

Reason 7: Losing a Shared Identity

Long-term relationships often become part of personal identity. Couples build mutual friendships, future plans, family connections, and shared goals. Ending the relationship may feel like losing not just a partner, but also a part of oneself.

The Reality of Letting Go

Ending a long-term relationship often brings mixed emotions—sadness, relief, guilt, anger, and confusion. This emotional complexity is what makes separation so challenging. However, in many cases, letting go becomes necessary for emotional growth, healthier boundaries, and long-term well-being.

Sometimes the hardest endings happen because the relationship truly mattered. But choosing to walk away can also be one of the strongest decisions a person makes.

Summary:

• Emotional abandonment occurs when partners remain physically present but emotionally disconnected, leading to loneliness, silence, and loss of intimacy within the marriage.

• Cultural conditioning, suppressed emotional expression, shifting expectations, social pressures, and poor communication commonly contribute to emotional distance in many Indian marriages.

• Healing begins with acknowledging the disconnect, communicating openly, investing meaningful time together, practising patience, and seeking professional counselling when needed.

Written by Shivani Misri Sadhoo | 17+ Years Experience Certified EFT, CBT, DBT Therapist | Gottman Recommended Indian Marriage Counsellor | Clinical Psychologist at IBS Hospital

Marriage often begins with emotional resonance. Two individuals feel seen, heard, and understood in ways that make connection feel effortless. Conversations flow, silences feel comfortable, and presence itself becomes reassuring. Emotional safety, not grand gestures, forms the foundation of intimacy. Over time, however, many couples discover that sharing a home does not always mean sharing a life. The bond that once felt warm and responsive can grow distant without any dramatic conflict or visible rupture.

Emotional abandonment is one of the most painful yet least discussed realities in long-term relationships. It rarely announces itself loudly. Instead, it quietly settles into daily routines—short conversations, distracted responses, mechanical interactions, and a subtle sense of being alone even when together. Understanding this experience is the first step toward preventing long-term emotional damage and restoring relational closeness, reveals Shivani Misri Sadhoo, a marriage counsellor in Delhi.

What Is Emotional Abandonment in Marriage?

Emotional abandonment is not physical absence. A partner may be present in the same room, participating in family events and daily responsibilities, yet feel emotionally unreachable. The deeper connection—empathy, attentiveness, shared emotional space—gradually weakens.

Couples who once instinctively understood each other begin to feel like strangers. Conversations become transactional. Emotional needs remain unspoken or dismissed. One or both partners may stop expressing vulnerability because it no longer feels safe or meaningful. Over time, the relationship shifts from companionship to coexistence.

This form of disconnection can be deeply isolating. A person may feel unheard, unseen, and emotionally unsupported within the very relationship that once offered comfort. Loneliness intensifies because the partner is physically near but emotionally distant. The home remains intact, yet emotional belonging fades.

Shivani Sadhoo says that “Emotional abandonment in marriage is not the absence of a partner’s presence, but the absence of their emotional participation. Two people may share a home, a routine, and responsibilities, yet feel worlds apart when conversations lose warmth, listening turns mechanical, and feelings remain unacknowledged. The deepest loneliness often comes not from being alone, but from being unseen and unheard by the one person who once felt like home.”

“Reconnection begins the moment silence is replaced with honesty and distance is met with intention. When couples choose to acknowledge emotional gaps, communicate with empathy, spend meaningful time together, and seek guidance when needed, relationships regain their human depth. Marriage is sustained not by endurance, but by emotional presence, mutual understanding, and the daily effort to stay connected.”

Why Is Emotional Abandonment Common in Indian Marriages?

Cultural expectations play a significant role in shaping relationship dynamics. Many individuals grow up learning that endurance is more valuable than expression. Adjusting silently is often praised, especially for women, who may feel responsible for maintaining family harmony even at personal emotional cost. This discourages open dialogue about dissatisfaction or emotional neglect.

Men, on the other hand, are frequently conditioned to suppress emotional expression. Emotional openness may be perceived as vulnerability or weakness, making it difficult for them to articulate feelings or respond empathetically. As a result, emotional communication within the marriage weakens.

Modern marriages also carry evolving expectations. Many partners today seek emotional companionship, mutual respect, and shared decision-making alongside stability. When traditional roles remain rigid but emotional expectations expand, disconnect emerges.

Social pressures further complicate matters. Couples may continue living together for children, family reputation, or financial security. Outwardly, the marriage appears stable; internally, emotional distance grows. Without conscious effort to nurture connection, routine replaces intimacy.

Silence is another powerful contributor. Small misunderstandings, when left unaddressed, accumulate over time. Gradually, partners stop discussing their inner world. Emotional withdrawal becomes habitual, and the relationship feels functional but lifeless.

How Can Couples Rebuild Emotional Connection?

The first step is acknowledgement. Emotional distance cannot be addressed if it is denied. Recognising feelings of disconnection without self-blame allows space for healing. Awareness transforms vague dissatisfaction into a solvable concern.

Open communication follows acknowledgement. Honest conversations—spoken with calmness and respect—allow both partners to express emotional needs. Equally important is listening without defensiveness. Feeling heard restores emotional safety and encourages reconnection.

Patience is essential. Emotional repair is gradual. Trust and closeness rebuild through consistent, small efforts rather than dramatic gestures. Allowing time reduces pressure and prevents further emotional strain.

Shared experiences also help revive connection. Meaningful time together—simple walks, shared meals without distractions, or small activities done jointly—recreates emotional familiarity. Presence matters more than extravagance.

Professional guidance can be transformative when communication feels stuck. Marriage counselling provides a neutral, supportive environment where both partners can explore concerns safely and learn healthier ways to reconnect.

Moving Forward with Awareness and Intention

Emotional abandonment develops quietly but affects deeply. It is shaped by silence, social conditioning, emotional suppression, and unaddressed expectations. Yet, it is not irreversible. With honesty, communication, patience, shared presence, and guided support, couples can rediscover emotional closeness.

Emotional Connection vs Emotional Abandonment in Marriage — A Comparative Overview

Aspect	Emotionally Connected Marriage	Emotionally Abandoned Marriage
Emotional Presence	Partners feel heard, valued, and understood	Partners feel unseen, ignored, or emotionally distant
Communication Style	Open, warm, and meaningful conversations	Short, mechanical, or avoidant interactions
Emotional Safety	Comfortable sharing feelings and vulnerabilities	Hesitation or fear in expressing emotions
Daily Interaction	Shared moments feel engaging and supportive	Routine interactions feel formal and lifeless
Sense of Togetherness	Feeling like a team and life partners	Feeling alone despite living together
Conflict Handling	Issues discussed and resolved respectfully	Problems avoided, leading to silent resentment
Relationship Experience	Emotional warmth and mutual reassurance	Emotional isolation and inner loneliness
Long-Term Impact	Stronger trust and deeper bond over time	Growing distance and weakening attachment

Marriage thrives not merely on shared responsibilities but on shared emotional life. Rebuilding that inner connection restores warmth, understanding, and the sense of togetherness that sustains long-term partnership.

Have you ever felt confused by your partner’s emotional reactions—why they struggle to open up, suddenly withdraw, or need constant reassurance? You may also notice that some people cling tightly to relationships, while others fiercely guard their independence or fear getting too close. These patterns often create misunderstandings, emotional distance, and repeated conflict in relationships.

What many people don’t realise is that these behaviours rarely begin in adulthood. Their roots lie much earlier, in childhood. The emotional bond formed with primary caregivers shapes how we experience closeness, trust, and intimacy later in life. Psychologists call this bond an attachment style, and it plays a powerful, often hidden role in relationship breakdowns.

According to Shivani Misri Sadhoo, who is one of the highly experienced relationship counsellors and marital therapists in Delhi and India, attachment styles influence how we express love, respond to emotional needs, and handle conflict. While these patterns develop early, they are not fixed or irreversible, and they are shaped by more than just parental affection.

What Is Attachment Style in a Relationship?

Attachment theory was first proposed by British psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. It explains how children are biologically wired to seek safety and closeness with caregivers. When caregivers respond consistently and sensitively, children develop a sense of security and self-worth. When care is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or intrusive, children adapt in ways that help them survive—but those adaptations can create challenges in adult relationships.

It’s important to note that attachment strength does not depend on wealth, culture, or education. It is built through everyday emotional exchanges—responses to crying, smiling, fear, or comfort. Personality traits and later life experiences also influence attachment, so relationship struggles cannot be blamed on parents alone.

There are four primary attachment styles.

1. Secure Attachment

People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They are generally warm, caring, and open in their relationships, able to express emotions without excessive fear of abandonment. Because they trust both themselves and others, they don’t constantly seek reassurance or validation.

Securely attached individuals can recognise and regulate their emotions, communicate clearly, and manage conflict constructively. Their emotional stability often creates a sense of safety for their partners, allowing relationships to feel supportive, balanced, and resilient.

2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style crave closeness but live with a constant fear of rejection or abandonment. They invest deeply in relationships and often depend heavily on their partner for reassurance. Even small signs of distance—such as delayed replies or emotional withdrawal—can trigger intense anxiety about their worth or desirability.

To regain emotional security, they may act in ways that pull their partner closer, such as becoming overly accommodating, seeking constant validation, or provoking emotional reactions. These behaviours are driven not by manipulation, but by fear. Despite these challenges, anxious individuals are often emotionally aware, capable of deep empathy, and highly attuned to their partner’s feelings when they feel safe.

3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style value independence and self-reliance above all else. They often view emotional closeness as uncomfortable or intrusive and prefer to keep their feelings private. In relationships, they may withdraw when intimacy increases, avoid vulnerability, or downplay emotional needs—both their own and their partner’s.

This pattern often develops in response to caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or rejecting, teaching the child to suppress needs and rely solely on themselves. While dismissive-avoidant individuals may appear confident and content alone, the desire for connection still exists beneath the surface. It is often restrained by a learned belief that closeness leads to disappointment or loss of freedom.

4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Fearful-avoidant, also known as disorganised attachment, is marked by deep internal conflict. Individuals both desire closeness and fear it intensely. Love feels unsafe, unpredictable, or overwhelming. This style is often linked to early experiences of neglect, trauma, or chaotic caregiving, where the same caregiver was a source of both comfort and fear.

As adults, these individuals may swing between emotional closeness and sudden withdrawal, struggle to regulate emotions, and experience high levels of mistrust or self-sabotage. Intimacy can trigger anxiety rather than comfort, leading to volatile patterns, withdrawal, anger, or avoidance. Beneath these behaviours lies a strong longing for safety and connection, paired with a belief that love is dangerous or undeserved.

Attachment styles quietly shape how we love, communicate, and respond to emotional closeness. While formed early, they continue to evolve through life experiences and relationships. Understanding these patterns helps reduce blame, increase empathy, and bring clarity to recurring relationship struggles. With awareness and support, individuals and couples can move toward healthier emotional bonds, greater security, and more fulfilling relationships.

In many Indian households, love is often expressed through care, responsibility, and shared duties—but not always through physical affection. As work stress, digital distraction, and busy routines grow, couples are spending less time connecting emotionally and physically. One of the simplest yet most powerful ways to revive intimacy is cuddling.

Warm, non-sexual physical touch can deepen emotional security, reduce stress, and strengthen the bond between partners. For Indian couples, where affection can sometimes take a back seat in everyday life, cuddling offers a gentle but meaningful way to reconnect, says certified relationship therapist and one of Delhi’s most successful marriage counsellors Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

Why Cuddling Is Important Between a Couple?

Cuddling is more than just a cozy gesture—it’s a scientifically proven relationship booster. When partners hold each other, their bodies release oxytocin, often called the love hormone. This chemical improves trust, increases emotional bonding, and reduces anxiety. For couples living in high-pressure environments—nuclear family setups, demanding jobs, financial stress—this simple act helps regulate mood and create emotional balance.

Physical touch also builds a sense of safety. In Indian culture, where many people grow up with limited physical affection at home, cuddling can help partners feel valued, accepted, and emotionally nurtured. It’s a quiet reminder that no matter what the world throws at you, you’re not alone.

Deeper Explanation & Relationship Benefits of Cuddling

1. Strengthens Emotional Bonding

In long-term relationships, emotional connection can fade if not nurtured. Cuddling gives couples a way to express affection without words. It deepens closeness by creating a warm, supportive environment where partners feel listened to—even in silence. Over time, this increases trust, empathy, and companionship.

2. Reduces Stress and Improves Mental Health

Indian couples often juggle multiple responsibilities—work deadlines, family expectations, household duties, financial pressures. Regular cuddling reduces cortisol (the stress hormone) and stabilizes mood. After a long day, simply lying close together for a few minutes can calm the nervous system, reduce irritability, and promote emotional clarity. Couples who cuddle frequently report fewer arguments and better emotional resilience.

3. Enhances Romantic and Physical Intimacy

Cuddling acts as a bridge between emotional closeness and physical intimacy. When partners feel emotionally safe and physically connected, their romantic life naturally improves. For many couples, consistent cuddling rekindles passion, increases desire, and enhances overall satisfaction in the relationship. It keeps the spark alive without the pressure of performance.

4. Builds a Habit of Affection in a Culture That Often Holds Back

Many Indian couples hesitate to show affection, even privately, due to cultural conditioning. Creating a safe space within the relationship where touch becomes normal helps break emotional barriers. It encourages partners to express love more openly, leading to healthier communication and deeper bonding. Cuddling becomes a daily ritual that reinforces love beyond words.

5. Improves Sleep Quality

Sleeping close to your partner—whether spooning, hugging, or lightly touching—helps regulate breathing, reduces nighttime stress, and enhances sleep quality. For couples dealing with insomnia, overthinking, or anxiety, this shared comfort can be incredibly soothing. Better sleep also improves mood and patience, which directly benefits the relationship.

6. Encourages Security and Reassurance

Modern relationships face challenges like emotional distance, insecurity, or fear of losing connection. Cuddling acts as a reassurance mechanism—it tells your partner, “You matter. I’m here with you.”
This sense of safety strengthens commitment and reduces unnecessary misunderstandings or feelings of neglect.

7. Helps Navigate Conflicts Better

Couples who maintain regular physical affection tend to resolve conflicts faster. The warmth of touch calms emotions and encourages cooperation instead of confrontation. Even after an argument, a small gesture like holding hands or leaning against each other helps soften anger and rebuild harmony.

Cuddling is not just a romantic gesture—it’s a powerful relationship tool that Indian couples often overlook. In a culture where affection is subtle and routine responsibilities dominate life, taking a few minutes each day to cuddle can transform the emotional climate of a relationship. It strengthens trust, improves communication, boosts happiness, and deepens long-term compatibility.

If Indian couples embrace cuddling as a daily habit, they can build more emotionally secure, loving, and fulfilling relationships—one warm hug at a time.