Opting for an arranged marriage? Taking the decision to marry someone is never easy. And more so when you are opting for an arranged marriage, things are not quite predictable. When you marry a person, you are in love with, you at least know that person albeit to some extent, and even the family in certain cases.
But if you marry an individual ‘arranged’ by your parents or others, you require to give things a little time and requires to discover your partner while already being in a conjugal relationship. There may be surprises (both good, bad, and ugly) in store for you each day and therefore, having pre-set expectations from your spouse might not be a wise idea.
Expecting your partner to give you more importance compared to his or her parents
Your partner has lived with his or her family all throughout the life and expecting them to give you the same priority, love, and attention right from the very first day of marriage is a bit unfair. It will take months to develop the same relationship with your spouse as they have with their family and hence, hoping to be given additional importance than the family is not a right expectation.
Falling in love with in-laws
You will expect your partner to have respect and care for your parents but do must not expect them to fall in love with your family from the moment you get married. Again, you fall in love with people post spending a considerable amount of time with them and when they too reciprocate your love and care. Forming a relationship with in-laws demands efforts from both sides and the complete responsibility does not lie on your partner’s shoulders solely.
Understand you straightaway from day one
When you got to know someone just a few months before your marriage, how can you expect him or her to know fully about your likes, and dislikes and understand your fundamental nature? You can just understand your partner better when you begin living under the same roof and share your moments of happiness and overcome hurdles and struggles together.
So, if you get easily disappointed by your spouse’s behaviour or specific habits, simply remember—Rome wasn’t built in a day. Give the person ample time to understand you better contrary to setting wrong expectations.
The period of courtship
The courtship period is certainly helpful to understand your would-be partner better, particularly, if he or she was chosen by your parents or other family members. But it does not mean you are the person to stay in constant touch with you round the clock.
You ought to understand that he or she may be busy preparing for the marriage or slogging it out at the workplace. Hence, focus on spending quality time with your contrary of messaging or calling them after every few minutes.
Friend circle
Your partner is not mandatorily to be as fond of your friends as you are. It is fine to have different perceptions about each other’s friends. What truly matters most is that you provide your partner with the space to spend time and enjoy with their friends and not judge them regarding their choices.
This write-up is not an effort to criticize arranged marriage concept. We have seen both arranged and love marriages have their unique pros and cons. Eventually, any relationship will only work if both partners are ready to understand each other and be there with them during good and bad times. Besides any good relationship requires love, honesty, compassion, and sacrifices to become successful.
We often judge others based on their looks. But did you know that physical appearance reflects inner happiness? It mirrors our mental state and can be an indicator of our overall well-being. Studies have shown that when we feel good inside, we look radiant and attractive on the outside. This is why it is important to take care of our mental health.
Therapy is a great way to take care of our mental health. It helps us to process our emotions, and to understand and cope with our challenges. A healthy mind leads to a healthy body.
1. Know about therapy types: Different types of therapy address different needs. For example, cognitive-behavioral therapy can help those struggling with anxiety or depression, while family therapy can help those dealing with relationship issues. Find the type of therapy that suits your needs. Consult a counselor or mental health professional for more information about what type of therapy is best for you.
2. Experience counts: A therapist’s experience and expertise can be a huge asset when it comes to helping you navigate through a difficult period in your life. An experienced therapist can help you identify potential issues, give you strategies for coping, adjust your treatment plan as needed, and provide support and guidance during the process. Additionally, an experienced therapist can offer invaluable guidance and support throughout your journey, empowering you to make the best decisions for yourself.
3. Consider logistics and location: Consistency is the key to therapy. It is important to find a therapist geographically close to you so that you can attend regular sessions. You may like to check if the therapist is available for phone or video sessions if needed. This will save you time and money, and help you stick to your therapy plan.
4. Ask for recommendations: A good therapist is someone you can trust, who understands your needs, and who can provide you with the most appropriate treatment for your particular situation. Asking for recommendations from people you trust like your friend or a family member is an excellent way to find a therapist who will be an ideal fit. You can also consider looking for reviews online and asking for references from your healthcare provider to ensure that you select a competent and qualified therapist.
5.Therapeutic alliance with the therapist: Therapeutic alliance is the connection between the therapist and the patient. It is important to find someone you feel comfortable with and connected to. This connection is essential for engaging in productive conversations and understanding each other’s perspectives, allowing for effective treatment and outcomes. Building a strong therapeutic alliance takes time and effort. It is important to be patient, to listen, and be open to the therapist’s feedback and advice. This will lead to a trusting and safe relationship that can facilitate healing and growth.
Now that you have a fair idea of what points to consider while choosing the right therapist, you can begin your search.
Relationship Expert Shivani Shares How and When to Compromise In Your Relationship and When Not To
Compromise–This 10-letter word may have different meanings depending upon the context, but in a relationship, it means peacefully resolving a conflict by meeting each other halfway. One must remember that compromise does not mean giving in; rather, it means understanding each other’s point of view and finding a solution both parties can agree on. It must be a win-win and not a win-lose situation.
Compromise is a very important part of a healthy relationship, but it can be hard to do. Let’s learn why it is so difficult to compromise in a relationship from Delhi’s top marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.
Ego matters: When two people have strong egos, they become entrenched in their own beliefs and points of view. This makes it hard to come to mutual understandings and compromises, as both parties are unwilling to budge on their stance.
Communication barrier: When couples do not communicate effectively, it can be difficult to reach a compromise. Miscommunication can lead to misinterpretations, frustration, and resentment, making it hard for couples to find common ground.
Fear of change: People tend to fear the unknown, and when faced with the possibility of change, it can be difficult to come to a compromise. This is especially true when the change involves something that is very important to the individual, such as values, beliefs, and lifestyle choices.
Loss of control: Fear of losing control and power can make it difficult to compromise. People can be reluctant to give up their own needs and desires to reach a mutual agreement.
Stubbornness: Stubbornness can prevent two people from finding a middle ground, as both parties may be unwilling to give in and make concessions. This can lead to a stalemate and make it difficult to reach an agreement.
While these are some of the reasons why people find it difficult to compromise, it is also essential to understand—
When to Compromise — And When Not to
Good or bad compromise? It is important to recognize when it is necessary to compromise and when it is important to stand your ground. Compromise should be used to create a win-win situation, where both partners (or family members, whoever is involved) get something out of the agreement. But it is important to know your limits and not compromise on anything that would undermine your values or sense of self-respect.
Don’t compromise your individuality in a relationship. It is essential to know when to let go and when to stick to your guns. Compromise should not be seen as a sign of weakness. You need not sacrifice your values or uniqueness just to please your partner.
Respect your family bond. Compromising doesn’t mean you should ignore your family or disrespect them just because your partner doesn’t like them.
Compromise can be healthy when it strengthens the relationship, but unhealthy when it leads to feeling taken advantage of.
How can you compromise?
Listen and be heard: Compromise is a two-way street. It is important to listen to your partner’s point of view, consider their feelings, and then take turns expressing your own needs and wants.
Empathy: Practising empathy means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to understand their point of view.
Respect each other’s opinion and values.
Be flexible when making decisions.
Agree to disagree: If two people disagree on something, they can still find a way to move forward without either of them giving up.
Conclusion
Compromise is a way of maintaining harmony and avoiding conflict. It is always about striking the right balance between two opposing views.
Just like human beings need a break from mundane routines, relationships need a break to re-energize and strengthen bonds. Relationships can become strained and lackluster when people take each other for granted or fail to nurture their bonds. Taking a break from relationships is similar to taking a vacation from work; it gives everyone a chance to relax, recharge, and return with a renewed focus and appreciation. Taking a break from your relationship doesn’t mean it’s over. It’s an opportunity to take a step back, re-evaluate, and understand what needs to be changed for the relationship to be successful.
However, relationship breaks should never be indefinite. They need to have a specific timeline and an agreed-upon goal. This will help both parties to focus on their own well-being and have a better understanding of what needs to be done to move forward. This will also ensure that the break is used constructively and not just as an excuse to avoid difficult conversations.
Taking a break gives each partner time to reflect on their feelings and assess the relationship objectively. It can allow each partner to determine if the relationship is worth saving, or if it is time to move on. It also helps you to gain perspective and see the relationship from a different angle.
2. Distance lends enchantment:
Distance lends enchantment to the view and allows couples to reflect on the relationship differently. It allows couples to process emotions, re-evaluate their issues, and return with a fresh outlook. For instance, couples who have taken a break from each other often report feeling a renewed sense of appreciation when they come back into contact.
3. It’s Okay to Miss:
Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. Missing someone or something can be a sign of appreciation. Acknowledging this distance can deepen relationships, allowing for more meaningful moments when we are together. It can also be a reminder to be grateful for the things we have in our lives.
4. Introspect:
Relationship breaks give you the opportunity to introspect. Without the distractions of a relationship, you have more time to focus on yourself. You can think deeply about what went wrong in the relationship and what you can do differently in the future. You can also take time to focus on your personal goals and figure out what you truly want from life. It will help you figure out who you want to be in the relationship.
5. Improves Communication:
Taking time away from your partner can help you relax and clear your mind, enabling you to articulate your thoughts and feelings better when you reconnect.
Explains Top Couples Therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo
It is often said that marriages are made in heaven. But not all of them last forever. Many marriages do not stand the test of time and end in divorce or separation. Nowadays, Live-in relationships are becoming more common, as they offer people an alternative to marriage. This allows couples to experiment and find out if they are compatible before taking the step of marriage. However, these relationships can be just as fragile and many end up in breakups.
Despite being legally accepted, live-in relationships in India are still frowned upon by many because they go against traditional values and beliefs. Though the freedom such relationships offer is often attractive, they come with their own set of challenges and complications. Let’s find out more about the challenges of live-in relationships in India from Shivani Misri Sadhoo, the top marriage counsellor and relationship expert.
Social Taboo
Live-in relationships in India are still considered social taboos. This is because traditional Indian culture emphasizes the importance of marriage as a sacred institution. So, staying together before marriage is seen as a kind of disobedience to the established norms. Social stigma has led to many couples living in secret. People treat you like outcasts.
Lack of commitment
Lack of commitment is a big problem in live-in relationships. People in live-in relationships tend to take each other for granted and do not work towards making it a long-term commitment. This can lead to a lack of trust, communication, and overall stability in the relationship.
Freedom seems to be a double-edged sword in these types of relationships, as it can lead to more misunderstandings and a lack of security. This can result in the dissolution of the relationship, leaving both parties feeling frustrated and hurt.
Finding shelter is a big challenge
Finding a house for unmarried couples in India is a big challenge. Either it is difficult to locate a landlord who is willing to rent a house to unmarried couples or even if they find one, the couple may face discrimination and judgment from their neighbours. This creates a huge obstacle for unmarried couples looking for a place to call home.
Money trouble
It is common for people in live-in relationships to struggle with their finances. It can be difficult to combine two different incomes and expenses in a way that is mutually beneficial. This can lead to financial stress, which can in turn put a strain on the relationship.
Conflict pertaining to career choices
In live-in relationships, career challenges can be tricky. Since there is no legal commitment between the partners, they often have to make compromises when it comes to career decisions.
For example, when one partner receives a job offer in another city/country either through promotion or simply as a better career prospect, he or she must decide whether to accept the offer or not, while considering the impact it would have on their relationship. This can create feelings of resentment and frustration in the relationship.
Family Pressure
Family plays a crucial role in shaping relationships in India. In live-in relationships, family opinion is often considered more important than that of the couple. This often leads to pressure on the couple to conform to the family’s expectations instead of making their own decisions. As a result, many couples opt to continue their relationships in secret or even break up.
Love and commitment should be at the heart of any relationship. Whether it is a marriage or a live-in relationship, both partners need to be willing to put in the effort to make it work.
Are you among those romantics who firmly believe in saving the best for the last and what is to do the final act solely on your marital bed? Or have the raging hormones gotten the better of you and you cannot wait to get into a physical relationship before marriage?
What is more imperative- the ingrained doctrines of society or the natural instincts of your body which are desperate to feel the passion and fulfilment of uniting with your beloved’s mind, body, and soul?
Yes, we do believe that girls or boys staying a virgin is a personal choice. But it is simply fair that you think and decides what you believe to be the finest course for you.
How does a physical relationship before marriage impact you both psychologically and physically and how and what are its ramifications in the context of your future partner? Is a physical relationship before marriage good or bad? Genuinely saying, there are both pros and cons to an intimate physical relationship prior to marriage in India.
And it is always best to get to know the pros and cons prior to you diving head-first into a physical relationship before marriage says marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo. In India, specifically, getting physically intimate before marriage is still looked down upon, compared to the western world. Also, pretty often we hear stories of women who are caught at this crossroads.
While every cell in their body is shouting to give in to the longing for physical intimacy, they still refrain as they feel guilty, confused, and fear that getting physically intimate may change their equation with their beloved. Here, India’s top marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares ways a physical relationship before marriage may affect your relationship.
Getting physically intimate makes the relationship stronger
Physical intimacy boosts emotional bonds. You see different sides to your partners in this very intimate act that you would not otherwise. How gentle or assertive they are, how much they care about their partner’s needs, how receptive they are to what brings them pleasure, and other factors.
In the act of making love, lovers bare everything to each other and share something that sets them apart from the others. Regular sessions of lovemaking help them to get to know each other better. Long chats post a fulfilling session are something that even therapists recommend to boost closeness. You are most vulnerable post sharing a physically intimate experience with your partner and wish to commit yourself to them, mind, body, and soul.
Is getting physically intimate before marriage ensures success?
It is not a given that the first session will be a total success. It takes some time and patience and practice to understand how to provide maximum pleasure to each other. This is usually, something that takes plenty of exploring. Lovemaking before marriage gives you an opportunity to share your adventures and fantasies and see if the two of you are somewhat on the same page.
This could be a smart way to eliminate mismatched intimacy drives and poor physical intimacy lives. Remember, getting physically intimate is incredibly important to plenty of people, and, for most couples, physical compatibility is necessary for a great marriage.
But then, there is also a possibility you may get cheated and your partner may decide not to marry you while making love prior to getting married. So, it may leave a bitter experience that is sometimes very difficult to overcome. Thus, success is unpredictable.
You might be giving everything that you have
One big advantage of having a physical relationship prior to your marriage is that, by nature, getting physically intimate, two people start as an upward curve that flattens into a plateau, and then goes for a downward slide. Unless the couple takes steps to make certain the zing stays alive.
A dead bedroom syndrome is a very real fear and it can falsely lead you to think that the two of you are not physically compatible with each other. Something that happens naturally could seem like a flaw in the relationship.
Because getting intimate has become boring you may move on to the next person and actually miss out on what could have been a great relationship.
If you are considering getting intimate before your marriage remember to discuss this curve with your partner and if possible also save a few tricks that you can experiment with at a later stage during your relationship.
You may get pregnant
This is not a motive to scare you, but even if you have taken all the precautions there are still possibilities that you could get accidentally pregnant. This might force the two of you to make choices whether you are not ready to make them. If you do wish to go ahead with the pregnancy and the marriage you could be quite well sitting with a bump on your marriage day which could be one of your worst fears.
Perhaps in most fearful situations, the man may not be ready for getting married or having a baby. If your family and his, firmly believe in the no-abortion principle you may see your career and life being cut short due to an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy.
You may not proceed further in a relationship
Every relationship does not end up in marriage. This is why getting into love making before marriage could land you in trouble, particularly in a society like ours. “Waiting until marriage” is a cultural phenomenon, if not for the many people in your generation, then the one above yours. Indian society is still in a phase of transition. Another thing to consider is whether your man is in a relationship with you simply because he loves you or because he just lusts for you.
Sometimes many men simply want a relationship is getting physically intimate. Make certain you understand what is going on in your relationship. There is nothing wrong if you wish the same too, but you should have your situation and priorities clear. Are you fine with a love-making act before your marriage, even if it does not end up in a marriage? If your answer is yes, then there is nothing to worry about.
Your partner might be satisfied with merely a relationship and may not wish it to go any further. Or you might feel you two are not physically compatible and take a call to call off the relationship. But this is for some perhaps better than having a frustrating married life.
So is it wrong or right to get physically intimate before your marriage? The answer completely depends on your choices and their consequences. It all depends on what you feel is right for you. If you are fine with being in a physical relationship before your marriage, then you may go for it, keeping in mind how much it impacts your relationship, it’s future of it, and other aspects of your life.
If you are thinking of forming a future with your present beau, then keep these points in your mind before moving forward with your partner. Here is some advice from top marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo couples could go for premarital counselling before marriage on other issues as well. You can also book a session with couples therapist Shivani today.
Opting to be in a relationship is not the most difficult aspect of wanting to be with someone, it is continuing to stay with them irrespective of the ups and downs. It is to understand their weaknesses and turn them into your strengths. It is the work of being totally transparent with them about your fears and insecurities say, Shivani.
Intimacy
It actually, is the close connection between two people where they share their feelings, emotions, trust, vulnerability, and closeness. However, if one imagines that intimacy requires just remaining in a romantic relationship, that would be false. This can exist between friends, family members, and even strangers in specific situations.
However, when one refers to being in a relationship, people associate intimacy with only getting physically intimate – which is only a physical aspect. While getting intimate physically, surely is an important part of a healthy relationship, it is not everything. There are various ways to increase intimacy and make your relationship healthy and without that, it is probably that the people in the relationship might drift apart opines couples therapist Shivani Sadhoo.
There are 5 kinds of intimacy that might overlap or intersect with each other from time to time. However, the relevance and essence of every single one of them are quite unique. Here is what they are as shared by India’s top marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo in this blog.
Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is actually sharing and communicating one’s innermost fears, vulnerabilities, thoughts, feelings, and experiences with another person. This is done when an individual sharing feels comfortable doing so and feels understood and supported in return. It actually, is the feeling of creating closeness with another person by being vulnerable and sharing your actual self with them.
However, forming emotional intimacy depends on both the listener and the one talking. A person can just confide in another person when they know there will be no judgment and that they are completely supported.
Physical intimacy
As the name goes, physical intimacy is fundamentally the physical closeness with another person. This could be in the form of sexual and non-sexual intimacy both, including hugging, holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. Physical intimacy is extremely vital as it means two people are comfortable sharing their physical space and bodies with each other without any judgment.
It is also quite important as physical touch in a relationship triggers oxytocin, which is the feel-good hormone. These hormones are also known as bonding hormones which assist in forming better attachments. When released, these hormones help create feelings of trust, intimacy, and closeness between partners. It is sometimes referred to as the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone” as it can promote feelings of warmth and affection.
Intellectual intimacy
Every person is an individual and the idea of sharing one’s own opinions, beliefs, and thoughts with another individual without having to about getting into a conflict is intellectual intimacy. Here one person has to believe that their opinions and ideologies related to life or any other aspect are valued instead of feeling that they are pressured to agree with the other person’s views.
This sort of listening can foster a deep and meaningful bond between two individuals, as it needs active listening, open-mindedness, and a willingness to learn from each other. This is a top way to get closer to a partner without having to be physically intimate. Not only that, it helps two people appreciate each other’s thoughts and ideas while connecting on a level beyond surface-level small talk.
Spiritual intimacy
Similar religious practices do not mandatorily have to do with spiritual intimacy. But it could be a shared connection or understanding of spirituality or religion between two individuals. This can include sharing beliefs, values, and practices that are essential to each person. This will also include supporting the spiritual formation and growth.
This could also include engaging in spiritual practices together like praying or going to a religious place or simply meditating. It could be a great thing in a romantic relationship as it will bring a sense of shared purpose and meaning beyond the everyday aspects of the relationship.
Experiential intimacy
Experiential intimacy is generally, the deep connection developed between two people by sharing the same experiences. This could include engaging in activities or working together, forming memories by going on trips or vacations, or simply bonding by doing challenges together or living successes.
This is not just a great way to be intimate in a romantic relationship but also for non-romantic relationships as it supports strengthening trust, communication, and emotional intimacy between individuals. This not just creates a sense of shared history and bond but also helps to form a deep and meaningful relationship.
There is always something exciting about first dates. It’s like the feeling of anticipation before a rollercoaster ride – both thrilling and nerve-racking. Getting to know someone new can be a fun and exhilarating adventure, full of surprises and unexpected turns. The early days of a relationship are filled with excitement and optimism which can be both exhilarating and overwhelming, says Shivani.
There is also the pressure to make a good impression and the uncertainty of whether the relationship will last. But, ultimately, it can also be the start of something special and meaningful. With each new step, there is potential for both joy and disappointment, and it can be difficult to know what to expect.
You don’t know if the connection will be strong, if the chemistry will be there, or if you’ll even want to take it to the next level. Amid all this excitement, you may even make a few silly mistakes on your first date. So, let’s find out more about these mistakes and ways to avoid them from Delhi’s top couples therapist and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo.
Don’t be late
Punctuality is very important for a positive first impression on your first date. It conveys that you are serious, responsible, and considerate of the other person’s time. Showing up late can make the other person feel unappreciated and can set a negative tone for the evening. Make sure to call or text your date in case you’re running late.
Don’t overdress
While it is imperative to dress nicely for your first date, there is no need to go overboard with it. Wearing something a bit more casual will help you relax and feel more comfortable, confident, and authentic. Dressing for a first date is like seasoning a dish – too much and it will be overwhelming, but the right amount will enhance the flavor and the experience. For example, if you’re going out for dinner, wear a nice pair of jeans with a dress shirt, or a dressy skirt with a casual top. Accessorize with subtle jewelry and stylish shoes to complete your look and make a lasting impression.
Be Polite, not Arrogant
On your first date, be polite, not arrogant. Arrogance can come off as too aggressive or demanding and can make the other person feel uncomfortable or intimidated. Being polite shows that you’re respectful and willing to listen to the other person and make them feel comfortable. For instance, when you first meet, greet the other person with a warm smile, eye contact, and a firm handshake.
Ditch your mobile phone
Ditch that mobile phone when you’re on your first date. Having a phone on the table besides being distracting can also show your disinterest in the conversation which can be off-putting for your date. Instead, put your gadgets on silent to make your evening meaningful.
Don’t brag
Bragging is a huge turn-off on a first date. It can be interpreted as a sign of insecurity or arrogance, and it creates an imbalance in the conversation, making it one-sided and uncomfortable. Be humble and modest. Now that you are aware of what to avoid, you can confidently embark on your dating journey!
Sometimes, there are little things that can make a real difference to the success of your relationship. Small gestures – from a hug to a kind word – can be the glue that binds two people together. Conversely, contempt or criticism can break that bond of togetherness forever.
Have you ever wondered why some relationships fail while others seem to thrive and last a lifetime? Relationships are complex – and even the strongest ones require hard work and dedication to maintain. Yet even with hard work and dedication, many relationships still fail to stand the test of time.
Therefore, it is essential to understand the reasons why relationships don’t always last so that we can strive to make our last says, Shivani. Seeking couples counseling can be a great way to get help in finding solutions to the issues that may be causing tension in your relationship.
What are four habits that could help the beginning of a successful couple’s therapy?
Criticizing someone’s character involves making negative judgments and comments about them, their personality, or their beliefs. It can be damaging to a relationship because it can lead to feelings of resentment and insecurity.
For example, when someone says “you’re so selfish” or “you don’t know how to do anything right”, it is considered criticism because it is attacking the person’s character and not a specific issue. It can erode trust and respect, and can also lead to a decrease in communication, which can make it difficult for the two people to work through their differences. It also can lead to negative self-perception, as the person being criticized may see themselves as inadequate or flawed in some way.
This is similar to a virus that infects a computer, slowly undermining the system and causing various issues to arise. It can corrupt files and data, and if left unchecked, can result in permanent damage that can be difficult to repair. Instead of being critical and causing permanent damage, focus on being constructive and supportive in a relationship.
This can help to foster positive self-perception and help avoid potential issues arising from negative criticism. For example, rather than saying “You should have done this differently,” try saying “Here’s an idea for a different approach.”
Don’t be contemptuous
There are times when couples treat each other with disrespect and sarcasm resulting in what is known as contempt between them. This can have a profound effect on their relationship as it erodes trust and creates a hostile environment.
Contempt can be viewed as a form of emotional victimization, as it can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and hurt. The partner that displays contempt can become increasingly overwhelmed by the negative emotions they are causing, leading to a vicious cycle of communication breakdown.
Contempt is often shown through subtle gestures like rolling eyes, or through more obvious signs like pointing a finger or raising the voice. It is an expression of disdain and superiority that is not only emotionally painful but can also lead to damaging communication patterns in relationships.
This is like pouring salt on an open wound; the pain it causes can never be forgotten and the damage it does is irreparable. It is not only destructive but also dangerous to any relationship, causing emotional trauma that is hard to forget.
Such behavior should not be condoned but corrected, as it can lead to a breakdown in communication and trust, which can be extremely difficult to repair. For instance, being told you are “stupid” or “useless” by someone you love and trust can have long-term impacts on your self-esteem and emotional well-being.
So, what should we do? To prevent such a painful experience, it is important to practice respectful communication, be mindful of one’s words, and approach conflict resolution with kindness and understanding.
Instead of lashing out with hurtful words, try to remain calm and talk openly about your feelings and needs in a respectful and constructive way. For example, rather than saying “you’re wrong” or “you’re stupid,” one could choose to say “I don’t understand why you think that” or “let’s talk about it and try to understand each other better.”
Learn to appreciate instead of being contemptuous. Appreciation fosters a sense of connection and understanding between people, which can lead to stronger relationships. When someone takes the time to tell you how much they appreciate something you have done, it gives you a sense of accomplishment and pride.
It also encourages more positive interactions between individuals, as they are likely to remember the positive experience and be more likely to cooperate in the future. For example, a simple “thank you” or “I appreciate your help” can go a long way in improving relationships between people.
Don’t be defensive
Couples Therapist Shivani Sadhoo says, when you get defensive, it’s like putting up a wall between you and the other person. This is similar to fighting fire with water: if you pour fuel on the fire, it will only get bigger and more intense, but if you pour water on it, it will help to contain and smother the flame.
Using a calm and understanding approach to a situation is the most effective way to keep it from escalating. It can lead to a breakdown in communication, as well as feelings of mistrust and resentment on both sides. It’s better to take a step back, take a deep breath, and try to understand why the other person is feeling the way they are. Instead, try to be open to hearing the other person’s perspective without being judgemental.
This will foster a deeper understanding and allow both sides to work through their differences in a healthier way. For instance, if your partner is expressing frustration with a situation, instead of reacting defensively, it may be helpful to ask questions such as “What concerns do you have?” or “How can we work together to address this?”
Instead of being defensive, be responsible in a relationship. Take ownership of the situation, and look for ways to resolve the issue, instead of being closed off or trying to deflect blame. This helps ensure that both parties have the opportunity to express their feelings and work together to find a solution.
It also helps to prevent the issue from escalating into something more serious, and it can help to strengthen the relationship in the long run. For instance, if a couple is arguing about how to spend money, each partner can take responsibility for the conversation and suggest potential solutions to their financial issues, instead of just blaming each other.
Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo talks about Couple Counseling
Don’t stonewall your partner
Sometimes when the going gets tough, it can be helpful to take a step back and look at the problem from a different perspective. But, many people try to avoid such confrontations and conversations. Instead, they simply withdraw from the conversation and completely refuse to respond.
This kind of behavior when one person is cognitively or emotionally inaccessible to another person and builds a wall between themselves is called stonewalling. This is similar to building a fortress around yourself when faced with a difficult situation.
You retreat inside, away from the storm, but are unable to actually address and resolve the issue. For instance, a person who is stonewalling may refuse to answer their partner’s questions, may avoid eye contact, or may leave the conversation altogether.
Stonewalling can be damaging to relationships, as it creates an emotional disconnect between the two people, leading to mistrust and resentment. This often leads to a deadlock in the conversation, where nobody is willing to budge and no progress is made.
To overcome stonewalling, it is important to try to approach the issue from a place of understanding and compassion. Making sure to respect the other person’s feelings and trying to empathize with their point of view can help to create an atmosphere that is conducive to resolving the issue.
It is also important to take breaks if the conversation becomes too heated. In addition, it is necessary to express your feelings calmly and clearly so that the other person can understand your problem better. Doing so can help to bridge the gap between both partners, enabling them to come to a resolution more quickly and efficiently.
As people grow and change, so do their relationships. People are complex and have different wants and needs, and relationships can become strained as they learn to navigate these changes. With understanding and communication, couples can overcome these challenges and strengthen their bond. If you still face problems, don’t hesitate to seek professional advice.
According to India’s Top Marriage Counselor Shivani Sadhoo
Leading Couples Therapist in Delhi NCR Shivani Sadhoo says all these years as a psychologist and marriage counselor, she has carefully observed the attitudes and behaviors of people who consistently succeeded in their long-term intimate relationships.
Several of those qualities are evident in a new relationship but are mostly much less vital in the long run. This blog from India’s leading marriage counsellor shares a few gender-free, common examples.
Shivani Sadhoo opines that although these are all essential requirements most people look for in new relationships, they are, in all truth, driven by the personal qualities that lie beneath them, and those characteristics are not always sustainable over time.
But there are a few personal qualities that are guaranteed to sustain and deepen love and commitment amongst the couple over time that is mostly not as evident early in new relationships. They crop up over time and are driven by the core beliefs and personal philosophies of those who are determined to lead and live a meaningful life in whatever endeavours they participate in. These are some of the qualities.
Humility
Quite a wise person once said that the roots of humility and humiliation are the same: being on your knees. If you are being pushed into that position, you will feel humiliated. It is so much simpler to comfortably stay humble, and deeply grateful for the capacity to be in amazement and wonderment of the experiences that keep everyone worshipping the blessings of life.
Fairness
Agreements and the rules that define those are mutually opted by both individuals in an intimate relationship. Fairness is the commitment to either live by those sacred alliances or to go for renegotiation if they no longer assist the relationship’s ideals and principles. When there is mutual fairness, score-keeping never exists.
Courage
It is most scary to take the risks required to challenge oneself and others in a long-term relationship when the outcomes might be difficult to bear. Yet, your thoughts, beliefs, and actions withheld to maintain a questionable harmony mostly backfire when those pent-up behaviors erupt. When a couple supports one another to stay present and real, they can better face the truth of what is.
Translucence
Honesty, authenticity, and transparency are the foundations of trust. They predict whether your partners will be who they say they are or not. Gaslighting and ghosting never exist in these relationships. The people in these partnerships make mutual decisions formed based on reality rather than assumptions formed in confusion and conflict.
Resilience
There will always be hurdles in every relationship, both from within and without, and certain couples have more than their share of losses. Yet, remaining broken and buried by those legitimate heartbreaks probably steals time and energy from recuperation. Though a few people are simply born with more capacity to rebound, resilience can also be learned. The past is for lessons, not for rehashing or reasons to helplessly fall down again in defeat. The present is for debriefing what went on, what was learned, and what could be done differently in the coming time.
Interested and Interesting
Long-term relationships quite often fall prey to the same-old predictable interactions. Though it is most comforting and more secure to know what your spouse might or might not do, it is never as compelling as new thoughts and personal transformations. Couples who balance commitment to their relationship with constant personal transformation are the most probably to keep each other engaged.
Accountability
No relationship is able to survive an unequal responsibility for the things that go wrong. Nor can it tolerate promises for transformation that never materialize. Accountability will only serve its purpose if behavior alteration follows the recognition of contribution. Certain behaviors are much more difficult to change and attachments could get in the way, but being aware, open, and honest about one’s own frailties goes a long way when repairing is mandatory.
Humor
Seeing the lightness in things while they get too heavy. Relieving tension in self and others. Laughing at yourself. Making others feel good. Shaking off your own sadness. These are critical reasons for humor being a wonderful quality that mostly helps a situation heal. But it is also true that humor can also be used as a tool for wounding. When humor is used as sarcasm, mocking, or teasing, or an effort to get out of accountability, it is not healthy relationship conduct.
Chivalry
Almost every relationship is, for the most part, transactional. You all strive to keep your commitments but, certainly, reasonably expect reciprocity when you need it in return. But the fairness that forces those agreements sometimes should be upended by an unexpected crisis that needs giving beyond the fairness that is generally present. Chivalry is an act of selfless motive that comes from a different part of the self. It is a non-conflicted work of giving without any expectation of getting.
Nurturing
You are always all the ages you have ever been, and there are times when the child in you desperately requires a safe haven to feel, to cry, to complain, and even to yell powerlessly. The nurturing that is needed for any intimate relationship to thrive is the simple comfort of a pseudo-parent-child interaction sans judgment. Being able to crawl into the haven of loving arms not just can heal the moment but also heal the trauma that might have driven it.
Ease with self
Those lucky souls who know who they are, what they can give, what they require in return, and who live life equivalent to what they expect of others are individuals who have suffered their losses and rejoiced in their joys. They have found methods to integrate the completeness of their life experiences in a composite of quiet confidence. They are at ease with believing what they presently know and are still open to altering their perspective as new experiences enter their lives.
