Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Has your partner ever said, “I understand why you feel that way, and I’m here to listen and work through this together”? This simple yet profound statement can be a positive and comforting experience in a relationship, especially during challenging times.

Empaths possess an innate capacity to put themselves in another person’s shoes and understand the feelings of those around them. Empathy can be both a blessing and a challenge. It’s a powerful tool that allows individuals to connect on a deep emotional level, but it also comes with its own set of challenges.

What are the biggest challenges the empaths face in romantic relationships?

Let us find out how empaths deal with their difficulties in relationships from Delhi’s top marriage counsellor and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

1. Self-neglect

Empaths intensely feel their partner’s emotions and often become people-pleasers. They prioritize their partner’s feelings and avoid confronting issues. Self-care takes a back seat as they prioritize their partner’s needs, opinions, and decisions. Escaping this cycle can be tough for empaths, entangled in putting their partner’s needs above their own. Balancing empathy and self-preservation is important for a healthy relationship.

2. Communication is a real challenge

Communication can pose another hurdle for empaths. The intense connection they feel can sometimes make it difficult for them to express their own feelings openly. They may fear burdening their partner with their emotions or struggle to articulate their needs and desires effectively.

Learning to communicate openly and honestly, without letting the fear of overwhelming their partner hold them back, is crucial for a healthy relationship.

3. Lack Of Emotional Boundaries

Empaths have a heightened sensitivity to the emotions of those around them. While this is a beautiful gift, it can also become overwhelming, especially when it comes to romance. The ability to absorb and feel the emotions of their partners can lead to a constant state of emotional flux. They may fail to distinguish between their partner’s feelings and their own, making it hard to maintain emotional boundaries.

4. Fear of Intimacy

Empaths struggle in relationships due to overwhelming closeness. Their heightened awareness absorbs others’ energies, leading to exhaustion. Relationships, already emotional for non-empaths, are even more draining for empaths. Some empaths fear dating or commitment to avoid this emotional overload. They seek ample space—energetic, emotional, and physical—for recovery. Empaths can enjoy relationships by balancing closeness with their need for space, improving their overall experience.

5. Often Too Intrusive

Empaths naturally sense others’ emotions without control. Imagine the constant awareness of your partner’s mood. It’s both a valuable trait and a challenge. Empaths can’t switch off this sensitivity. While partners appreciate the support, it can feel intrusive. Occasionally, they want space to handle a bad day privately. Balancing an empath’s caring nature with respecting personal boundaries can be complex.

6. Attract Narcissists

Empaths often attract strong personalities like narcissists or toxic individuals, but this can harm their well-being. Both empaths and narcissists seek attention, but they express it differently. Empaths focus on caring for others, while narcissists want attention for themselves. This mismatch leads to problems in the relationship. Empaths try hard to please narcissists, who may mistreat them. It’s a cycle with no winners and is tough to escape.

7. Misinterpretations and Conflicts

Empaths are excellent at reading between the lines and picking up on subtle cues. However, their heightened sensitivity can sometimes lead to misinterpretations. They may detect emotions that their partner isn’t explicitly expressing, which can lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts.

8. Feeling of Loneliness

Empaths may experience loneliness in relationships due to their intense emotional sensitivity. Partners often struggle to comprehend the depth of their feelings, causing isolation. Even caring partners may not fully grasp their emotional needs. For example, needing alone time after a taxing day is a necessity, not a preference. Without solitude, empaths feel drained and unhappy.

Empaths face profound challenges in relationships, juggling intense empathy with self-preservation, communication struggles, emotional boundary issues, and fear of overwhelming closeness. They must overcome these hurdles while seeking a delicate balance between compassion and their own well-being for a truly fulfilling and harmonious connection.

Shares Delhi’s Top Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo

In any relationship, conflict is a natural occurrence, and it is not uncommon for things to escalate, even in healthy partnerships. Navigating through an environment that often feels chaotic and confusing can be challenging.

It is important to understand what high conflict looks like and to develop specific strategies for self-soothing during and after such intense situations. Read this blog by India’s top marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo on how to self-soothe if as a couple there is a high conflict.

What Does High Conflict in Couples Feel Like?

High conflict can be overwhelming for your nervous system, as it triggers a strong response in your body. The stimuli become loud and intrusive, leading to a flood of emotions and physical reactions. You may notice sensations such as increased body heat, muscle tension, a clenched jaw, and a racing heart rate.

In these moments, accessing the rational part of your brain becomes challenging. This is because when you feel emotionally or physically unsafe, your brain tends to operate from the instinctual part, activating the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

Although it may seem like conflict arises out of nowhere, there is often a buildup that leads to those intense moments. Tensions may have been simmering for a day or even longer, without finding a resolution.

To avoid reaching this point, it is crucial to address smaller issues as they arise and create dedicated time to tackle larger ones instead of avoiding or ignoring them. By consistently addressing and resolving conflicts as they come up, you can prevent them from accumulating and escalating into high-conflict situations.

You Find Yourself In A High Conflict, Now What?

Even with the best intentions, finding yourself in a high-conflict situation can happen. In such moments, it is important to take immediate action. Begin by identifying the shift in the conversation. Often, these discussions start off on a reasonable level and gradually escalate, making it challenging to recognize the shift right away.

To help identify where you are in the conflict, consider asking yourself the following questions:

• Are you having difficulty processing what is being said?
• Are you merely listening to respond rather than listening to understand?
• Are you and your partner engaging in name-calling or displaying aggressive behaviors, such as invading personal space, yelling, throwing items, or engaging in unwelcome physical contact?

If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, you are indeed in a high-conflict situation.

Once you’ve recognized the situation, take a moment to acknowledge this realization and promptly change your environment. Let your partner know that you feel the conversation has become unproductive and that you need a break. Find a different room or step outside to get some fresh air.

In your new environment, begin practicing deep breathing. Take slow, intentional breaths by inhaling through your nose for a count of 4, fully extending your torso, including your back. Hold your breath for a count of 2, and then exhale slowly through your nostrils for a count of 6. Repeat this process as many times as necessary.

Next, reinforce your inner strength and grounding by reminding yourself of your truths through affirmations. Here’s an example to get you started: “I am present in my body, I am deserving of love and respect, and I am supported and grounded.”

These three steps—changing the environment, practicing deep breathing, and engaging in self-affirmation—can effectively break the cycle of the instinctual brain response. By consciously implementing these techniques, you can regain control over your emotions, promote a sense of calm, and create space for productive and respectful communication to resume.

How to Self-Soothe?

Once you have regained access to your “smart” brain, you can choose from various self-soothing techniques to further calm yourself:

• Self-soothing touch: One effective method is to give yourself a comforting hug. Sit upright, stretch your arms wide as you inhale, and then cross your arms around yourself with your right arm underneath on the exhale. Take three deep breaths in this position before releasing your arms and repeating the process, this time with your left arm underneath.

• Listen to calming music: Select soothing music that helps calm your nervous system and bring your heartbeat back to a normal rhythm. Opt for tunes with a slower beat to promote relaxation.

• Go for a mindful walk: Engage in a mindful walk by immersing yourself in the present moment. Observe your surroundings with all your senses, taking in the sights, sounds, and smells without passing judgment or getting lost in thought.

• Engage in your favorite self-care activity: Dedicate time to indulge in activities that bring you comfort and relaxation. This could include taking a warm shower or bath, practicing your favorite stretches for relaxation, engaging in guided meditation, or surrounding yourself with pleasant scents like lavender.

By incorporating these self-soothing techniques into your routine, you can further enhance your ability to calm your nervous system and regain a sense of control and stability during high-conflict situations. Remember, self-soothing is a personal process, so feel free to explore and experiment with different techniques to find what works best for you.

In high-conflict situations, recognizing the problem, practicing self-soothing, and creating a conducive mindset for nonjudgmental conversation are crucial for finding lasting resolutions. Seeking assistance from a couples therapist specialized in conflict resolution can be beneficial. The Gottman Relationship Coach program, “Making Up After an Argument,” provides guidance for managing overwhelming conflicts.

The Gottman Relationship Adviser offers a comprehensive tool for improving relationship health through personalized plans. The Gottman Assessment provides in-depth insights into relationship dynamics. Seeking external support and utilizing these resources can nurture a healthier and more resilient partnership.

Gottman reference has been mentioned as Couples Therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo is one of few Gottman Certified Marriage Counselors in India

According to India’s Top Marriage Counselor Shivani Sadhoo

Couples Therapist Shivani Sadhoo says all these years as a psychologist and marriage counselor, she has carefully observed the attitudes and behaviors of people who consistently succeeded in their long-term intimate relationships.

Several of those qualities are evident in a new relationship but are mostly much less vital in the long run. This blog from India’s leading marriage counsellor shares a few gender-free, common examples.

Shivani Sadhoo opines that although these are all essential requirements most people look for in new relationships, they are, in all truth, driven by the personal qualities that lie beneath them, and those characteristics are not always sustainable over time.

But there are a few personal qualities that are guaranteed to sustain and deepen love and commitment amongst the couple over time that is mostly not as evident early in new relationships. They crop up over time and are driven by the core beliefs and personal philosophies of those who are determined to lead and live a meaningful life in whatever endeavours they participate in. These are some of the qualities.

Humility

Quite a wise person once said that the roots of humility and humiliation are the same: being on your knees. If you are being pushed into that position, you will feel humiliated. It is so much simpler to comfortably stay humble, and deeply grateful for the capacity to be in amazement and wonderment of the experiences that keep everyone worshipping the blessings of life.

Fairness

Agreements and the rules that define those are mutually opted by both individuals in an intimate relationship. Fairness is the commitment to either live by those sacred alliances or to go for renegotiation if they no longer assist the relationship’s ideals and principles. When there is mutual fairness, score-keeping never exists.

Courage

It is most scary to take the risks required to challenge oneself and others in a long-term relationship when the outcomes might be difficult to bear. Yet, your thoughts, beliefs, and actions withheld to maintain a questionable harmony mostly backfire when those pent-up behaviors erupt. When a couple supports one another to stay present and real, they can better face the truth of what is.

Translucence

Honesty, authenticity, and transparency are the foundations of trust. They predict whether your partners will be who they say they are or not. Gaslighting and ghosting never exist in these relationships. The people in these partnerships make mutual decisions formed based on reality rather than assumptions formed in confusion and conflict.

Resilience

There will always be hurdles in every relationship, both from within and without, and certain couples have more than their share of losses. Yet, remaining broken and buried by those legitimate heartbreaks probably steals time and energy from recuperation. Though a few people are simply born with more capacity to rebound, resilience can also be learned. The past is for lessons, not for rehashing or reasons to helplessly fall down again in defeat. The present is for debriefing what went on, what was learned, and what could be done differently in the coming time.

Interested and Interesting

Long-term relationships quite often fall prey to the same-old predictable interactions. Though it is most comforting and more secure to know what your spouse might or might not do, it is never as compelling as new thoughts and personal transformations. Couples who balance commitment to their relationship with constant personal transformation are the most probably to keep each other engaged.

Accountability

No relationship is able to survive an unequal responsibility for the things that go wrong. Nor can it tolerate promises for transformation that never materialize. Accountability will only serve its purpose if behavior alteration follows the recognition of contribution. Certain behaviors are much more difficult to change and attachments could get in the way, but being aware, open, and honest about one’s own frailties goes a long way when repairing is mandatory.

Humor

Seeing the lightness in things while they get too heavy. Relieving tension in self and others. Laughing at yourself. Making others feel good. Shaking off your own sadness. These are critical reasons for humor being a wonderful quality that mostly helps a situation heal. But it is also true that humor can also be used as a tool for wounding. When humor is used as sarcasm, mocking, or teasing, or an effort to get out of accountability, it is not healthy relationship conduct.

Chivalry

Almost every relationship is, for the most part, transactional. You all strive to keep your commitments but, certainly, reasonably expect reciprocity when you need it in return. But the fairness that forces those agreements sometimes should be upended by an unexpected crisis that needs giving beyond the fairness that is generally present. Chivalry is an act of selfless motive that comes from a different part of the self. It is a non-conflicted work of giving without any expectation of getting.

Nurturing

You are always all the ages you have ever been, and there are times when the child in you desperately requires a safe haven to feel, to cry, to complain, and even to yell powerlessly. The nurturing that is needed for any intimate relationship to thrive is the simple comfort of a pseudo-parent-child interaction sans judgment. Being able to crawl into the haven of loving arms not just can heal the moment but also heal the trauma that might have driven it.

Ease with self

Those lucky souls who know who they are, what they can give, what they require in return, and who live life equivalent to what they expect of others are individuals who have suffered their losses and rejoiced in their joys. They have found methods to integrate the completeness of their life experiences in a composite of quiet confidence. They are at ease with believing what they presently know and are still open to altering their perspective as new experiences enter their lives.

Family habits are a lot more than just an activity practised at home to create a healthy family. It is a manner of life that brings the complete family together and boosts the eternal bond of love and support shared by every member of the clan.

Shivani says early childhood is the perfect time to instil healthy family habits in your child because they are more likely to grow into it and stay in the pink of health in their later years.

India’s leading Family counselor and couples therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo discusses in more detail insights about healthy family habits and characteristics of a Healthy Family.

Let us take a look at the healthy habits that promote a healthy family and support shaping the future of the child.

Have at least one meal together

Sitting together as a family and having a meal is one of the major healthy habits practised by a healthy family that has a remarkable impact on children. It presents them with a sense of belonging when every family member shares stories of what is happening in their lives over small conversations filled with laughter and smiles.

For example, talking to your children about what is happening at your workplace or the list of things you require to do prior to their grandparents’ visit tomorrow provides them an insight into how healthy households function and molds them for the future. It is also a good way to get to know more about what is happening at school and look out for any signs of bullying or child being any kind of victimization.

Allocate a minimum of 30 minutes toward fitness

This is another part of a healthy family habit to encourage your kids to spend time playing outdoors to make sure they are fit and active since daily exercise and healthy families are synchronized with each other. It also adds up as quality time to bond with your kid.

You can either go for a fitness activity such as yoga and aerobics or go in for a sporty thing like running in the park and swimming. You can also think of going for cricket coaching classes or taking basketball lessons together, to learn sports and stay fit at the same time.

Set a schedule apart to play

Kids love playtime. Whether it is a fun board game with your teens or something as simple as building blocks with your tiny ones, playtime is great to forget your worries and pay attention to what really matters – your kids and also a part of a healthy family habit. No matter how frequently you shower your little ones with toys, clothes, gifts, and other materialistic things, the sole thing that matters to them is your time.

You can also think out of the box and indulge in other fun activities such as gardening and connecting with nature. This healthy family habit also acts backward, as children are teachers too, this is a brilliant way to disconnect from your monotonous routine and connect with your child.

Have a no gadget zone

In the present day’s digital age, it is not an uncommon sight to see a screen between a parent and a child. Kids have become so accustomed to digital gadgets that they mostly find solace in watching a cartoon online or playing a game, which is not a good sign. To end this habit, and transform it into a healthy habit, consider having a no-gadget zone in your home. For instance, you can make your dining room a no-phone, no laptop zone so your family is able to enjoy uninterrupted meals together. However, this rule applies to parents too, as actions speak louder than words.

Maintain a bedtime routine

Reading a story to your child each night is one of the finest practices regarding healthy habits, and it can be more advantageous than you can imagine. Not just will it encourage them to read, open up a whole world of imagination, trigger their writing talent and form their listening skills, but it will also assist them to find comfort in the tone of your voice and the warmth of your hug. Furthermore, the healthy family habit of reading to your child will bring in a consistent bedtime routine, and help them fall asleep faster and have better sleep.

Plan your weekends in advance

Weekends and family time have always walked hand-in-hand. Let your family be aware of your plans or begin a discussion on what can be done, so your kids will look forward to every weekend with excitement. It is a manner of showing your commitment to a healthy family and sends out the message that even you are equally excited to spend your free time with them.

The plans are not needed to be too extravagant. You can go for simple and fun activities for kids like going to the beach and indulging in some delicious street food or taking them to the latest animated movies of their choice. However, give your best to stick to the plans made, as a broken promise might lead to a broken heart.

Have a look at their nutrition

No list of healthy family habits is fulfilled without the benefits of nutritious food. Encouraging your kids to have a nutritious diet is one of the cornerstones of good parenting. Rather than forcing your kids to eat their vegetables, make them aware of the nutritional benefits they offer. For instance, ask them to eat more carrots for a healthy vision or drink milk for stronger bones.

In this manner, they will know why they are asked to do it and will make it a part of life, rather than something to do simply because you said so. You can also encourage your kids to help out in the kitchen and cook up a storm with simple recipes, so they come to know the nutritional value of what they eat.

Eventually, it all comes down to you being the role model for your kids. Forming healthy lifestyle habits to encourage an active lifestyle for kids involves you altering your way of life too. Thus, it is essential to practice what you preach and be the one you want your child to become.

Couples Therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo Shares how to Address such Situations in a Relationship

A scenario: You and your wife have been together for some years and have kids. You both work hard and are doing your best to develop yourselves by establishing a strong career and building a home. However, whenever you talk about anything you plan to do or have any disagreement, your partner runs and tells his/her family everything. All of a sudden, you start receiving phone calls and messages from their family, advising you on what you should do instead. You have told your spouse several times to keep certain things private but they don’t listen. Should you stop talking to your partner and do everything by yourself?

Couples Therapist Shivani says this situation seems stressful since no one wishes to feel betrayed by the one they expect to protect them. Marriage is sacred and special and it comes with all the good things that are embedded in a union of two consenting adults. However, this relationship is also certain to face several difficulties along the way.

One of the facts that makes a marriage special is both partners are vulnerable to each other. This is one of the ideal methods of developing a close and fulfilling relationship. It brings about being more open with your spouse and letting yourself be who you genuinely are. It could involve discussing feelings at a greater level and being open with each other without being afraid of being judged.

It is mostly a big temptation for people to look to share everything about their relationship with their parents or friends. This generally happens when the relationship is facing certain challenges although even out of excitement, a partner may be tempted to share more than they should with other persons. Parents usually lend a sympathetic ear and one goes feeling much better.

The issue here is that naturally, parents love and side with their kids and no parent wishes to see their children hurting. This could jeopardize a relationship since relatives generally take sides and will not present a neutral environment. At times, the couple may have worked on their problems but since relatives are not the ones in the relationship, they are going to judge based on old information or preconceived notions and continue to disrespect your spouse.

It is also possible that your partner has not yet fully come to the level of cutting cords with her parents and still feels safe when she discusses things with them that you are doing as a family. This also has plenty to do with certain parenting styles in a family. It is generally the adults who help younger persons become independent and relate properly and be loyal to their own intimate relationships as well.

If this is not properly handled early in life, then those adult children might have problems or conflicts in their marriage relationships.

People are capable of learning new things even during adulthood if they are willing. In this scenario, attending a marriage therapy session together as a couple could help address these intricate matters and provide an avenue for both of you to express yourselves without being judged.

Although you may have talked to your partner about this earlier, you could try bringing it up again when you are both relaxed and happy. Let your partner know how this makes you feel as their spouse and as a son or daughter-in-law. Generally, a heated debate simply aggravates issues but when you communicate calmly others tend to listen and even take a deep interest in what you are saying.

Leading couple’s therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares some ways to address those situations. If you also feel that you or your partner reveals everything to the respective families, then read this blog further.

Set boundaries

This is a quite common problem. While it is a fact in many cultures that when you marry your spouse, you also marry the family, you must also maintain proper boundaries. It is a wonderful quality that your spouse loves their family and looks to tell them everything but there has to be a limit and your spouse needs to put your needs and the requirements of the marriage first.

Look for counseling

Feelings are not incorrect and your partner cannot argue with how you feel. If you believe that your spouse is not setting proper boundaries, probably he/she does not know how to do that. If you are willing, maybe you two need to seek marriage counseling to learn to communicate effectively and set healthy boundaries with their respective families. This issue can be resolved. Simply, be patient and communicate without attacking or provoking each other.

Talk to your partner

If your partner runs and complains about you or tells others things that need to be private, they are stuck with it. If your spouse is mad at you, they might be too when they hear they are venting about it. But then they will get over it and they will not, since they are not married to you. This will be a good thing to talk to your partner about, and let him/her know that what they are doing is hurting your marriage and that you wish it to stop.