Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Tips Shared by India’s Eminent Marriage Counselor Shivani Sadhoo

There is always something exciting about first dates. It’s like the feeling of anticipation before a rollercoaster ride – both thrilling and nerve-racking. Getting to know someone new can be a fun and exhilarating adventure, full of surprises and unexpected turns. The early days of a relationship are filled with excitement and optimism which can be both exhilarating and overwhelming, says Shivani.

There is also the pressure to make a good impression and the uncertainty of whether the relationship will last. But, ultimately, it can also be the start of something special and meaningful. With each new step, there is potential for both joy and disappointment, and it can be difficult to know what to expect.

You don’t know if the connection will be strong, if the chemistry will be there, or if you’ll even want to take it to the next level. Amid all this excitement, you may even make a few silly mistakes on your first date. So, let’s find out more about these mistakes and ways to avoid them from Delhi’s top couples therapist and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

Don’t be late

Punctuality is very important for a positive first impression on your first date. It conveys that you are serious, responsible, and considerate of the other person’s time. Showing up late can make the other person feel unappreciated and can set a negative tone for the evening. Make sure to call or text your date in case you’re running late.

 Don’t overdress

While it is imperative to dress nicely for your first date, there is no need to go overboard with it. Wearing something a bit more casual will help you relax and feel more comfortable, confident, and authentic. Dressing for a first date is like seasoning a dish – too much and it will be overwhelming, but the right amount will enhance the flavor and the experience. For example, if you’re going out for dinner, wear a nice pair of jeans with a dress shirt, or a dressy skirt with a casual top. Accessorize with subtle jewelry and stylish shoes to complete your look and make a lasting impression.

Be Polite, not Arrogant

On your first date, be polite, not arrogant. Arrogance can come off as too aggressive or demanding and can make the other person feel uncomfortable or intimidated. Being polite shows that you’re respectful and willing to listen to the other person and make them feel comfortable. For instance, when you first meet, greet the other person with a warm smile, eye contact, and a firm handshake.

Ditch your mobile phone

Ditch that mobile phone when you’re on your first date. Having a phone on the table besides being distracting can also show your disinterest in the conversation which can be off-putting for your date. Instead, put your gadgets on silent to make your evening meaningful.

 Don’t brag

Bragging is a huge turn-off on a first date. It can be interpreted as a sign of insecurity or arrogance, and it creates an imbalance in the conversation, making it one-sided and uncomfortable. Be humble and modest.

Now that you are aware of what to avoid, you can confidently embark on your dating journey!        

Leading Couples Therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo decodes the impact of our anxieties and sadness on our relationships and she reveals how counseling can help to rejuvenate the marriages

Anxiety and depression destroy relationships because they make a problem-causing cycle between two individuals trying to be together meaningfully. Both depression and anxiety can exterminate that meaning and replace it with mistrust. This forms relationship dissatisfaction, which in turn could exacerbate mental health struggles.

The bigger and stronger anxiety and depression get, the more stress engulfs the positives in a relationship. The vicious cycle continues until anxiety and depression end the relationship. This is not guaranteed, however. You can do things to support your mental health and your relationship, says Shivani Sadhoo.

Through this blog India’s top couples therapist and psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares how depression and anxiety affect a relationship and how counseling can help.

How do anxiety and depression impact relationships?

One of the strongest contributing factors to the vicious cycle of depression, anxiety, and romantic relationship distress is perspective. How you view and interpret people and circumstances greatly impacts your relationship. One of the issues with depression and anxiety is that they engulf and darken perspectives. In a relationship, this jagged perception can do quite a bit of damage, like:

• Corrupt thoughts and making negative thinking patterns are the go-to methods of interpreting the relationship and partner.
• Making negative emotions about issues magnified by anxiety or depression.
• Making hurtful misunderstandings and misinterpretations of words, body language, and conduct.
• Enhanced negative beliefs, including dissatisfaction with each other and the overall relationship.

When a person experiences depression, anxiety, or both, their clouded perceptions start to influence their actions in their relationship. Negative thoughts and emotions could be hurtful and frustrating, but on their own, they are not enough to damage a relationship. It is when they start to impact choices and actions that a hole in a relationship turns into a deep chasm. You may notice some of these problems or similar ones in yourself, your spouse, and your relationship:

• You do not connect because you or your partner are afraid of intimacy.
• You do not connect since you or your partner is too exhausted.
• You constantly argue, bicker, and blame because of irritability and anger created by either anxiety or depression.
• One or both of you has withdrawn, so you are no longer present together in the relationship.
• Sexual affection and tender moments have ended.
• One or both of you has given up other friendships and interests, creating isolation, guilt, and resentment (when one of the partners does this due to depression and anxiety, it negatively influences the other).
• Criticism starts to replace caring words.

Depression, anxiety, and relationships are a lethal combination. Two caring entities who were once in love can become exhausted and disappointed. This could destroy any relationship. That is the worst news. The great news is that if you live with anxiety and depression, your relationship is not automatically doomed.

How to help relationships being damaged due to depression and anxiety

Anxiety, depression, and relationships go to and fro together. While this could be problematic when the cycle goes down into the deep chasm that has happened in your relationship, this associated movement provides a wonderful opportunity to help and heal.

Remember that negative cycle of depression, anxiety, and relationship dissatisfaction and distress? You are able to turn that same cycle into a positive one. By acting, even in a little manner, in one aspect you simultaneously support the others. When you and your significant one do things to reduce anxiety or depression, they both improve.

As these mental health struggles lose strength bit by bit, your perception regarding your relationship shifts. You are able to witness it more positively. Then that healthier relationship helps anxiety and depression.

One of the most essential ways to help depression, anxiety, and your relationship is for you and your partner to fully reconnect with each other.

Avantika’s Story (Not real name)

Hardly a couple of years went into their marriage when Avantika and Rohan (not real names) were thinking about getting a divorce. Avantika was pondering where she went wrong. She analysed back the last couple of years of her marital life and the destruction of her first marriage and then how she met another man named Vishal (name changed) after some time post her divorce. Like Avantika, Vishal too was divorced and they found comfort and distraction both in each other’s company, which eventually turned into likeliness for each other.

Then, suddenly Avantika was feeling as if she had moved on too quickly, and more importantly, has she been able to completely heal from her last broken relationship prior to jumping into the next.

She posed a question to her and also to me when she came for the counseling, says Shivani Sadhoo. The question was “does she completely need to heal before initiating a new relationship”?

The process of grief and healing

Shivani says first, one needs to delve deeper into the question. What do you mean by healing? Does anyone ever “fully” heal? How can one know when they are ready to begin again?

Grief is a cluster of emotions one experiences when one loses someone with whom they had emotional attachments. The feelings one has when grieving is usual, but the majority of the time, they are unpleasant. People look to want them to go away. What requires to be understood though is that these feelings have a reason. Sadness assists you to step away from others and see inward. It presents you with time to analyze yourself and come to realities with your own responsibilities and mistakes. It lends you time to think about the future you wish for and to gradually take steps forward.

There are other feelings while you grieve. Anger is a potent emotion that helps one make changes, but it mostly becomes a source of bonding that could cause problems. Grieving people could join with one another in a relationship formed on their anger at their ex-partners and rapidly bond over that commonality. These relationships may grow fast and feel very powerful, but they require much more than simply shared anger as a basis.

William Worden in his book “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy” talks of recovery as a four-step First, you should accept the reality of the loss and start to see the opportunities for a new future. Secondly, one needs to feel the feelings of loss. This is the step majorly avoided but it is necessary. Third, you should adjust to the facts of life without the other. The fourth process is letting go of the lost partner and searching for a new, meaningful relationship. These new relationships may be romantic or they could be something else.

Last thought

How much time does it take? People attempt to put a time frame on this procedure, but it’s difficult to measure things in that manner. You might never feel “totally healed.” If you wait for that, you might never move ahead. How do you get to know you are healed enough? When are you actually ready? When the feelings of sadness and loss start to lift when one is alone with their thoughts, and their imagination begins accepting thoughts of a brighter future… one is starting to get there.

This blog is written by top relationship and marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

When a person is said to be emotionally unstable, what it means is that the individual’s reaction to issues is unpredictable. The person’s behaviour is a disorder or has an altitudinal defect. It is very difficult to be in a relationship with an emotionally unstable kind of personality and sometimes it also is frustrating. Because you are not able to understand what to do to please or annoy them. Sometimes, they may approve or sometimes they react violently to the same thing.

Generally, an angry emotionally unstable partner can be brutal. Emotional instability is different from emotional immaturity. The latter refers to a formative phase in one’s life where one is still discovering oneself. It is usually transitory; it has nothing to do with being immature.

It often arises as a result of a fault in upbringing or a personality disorder. Before you get into someone or they get into you, it is usually good to first ascertain their emotional stability. In the current scenario, one of the leading causes of marital and relationship break up is emotional incompatibility. Delhi’s eminent marriage counselor and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo talk about 7 signs you are dating someone emotionally unstable.

Impulsive Decisions

In life, at one point everyone has to take impulsive decisions and it doesn’t mean that everyone is unstable. But if a person takes a decision which damages their own property because they didn’t take time to think it through, then such kind of person is unstable emotionally. For example, a partner who is into gambling or play without planning of finance is looser always.

They may agree to a contract without taking time to thoroughly study and understand its terms and conditions. They only get to regret later when the contract is now taking its effect on them. So, when you are dating take care of their decision. It is going to be up to you to decide whether to continue with them or leave.

Easily Angered

The violent reaction comes when they get angry because they easily lose their control and injure valuable property. Healthy person, they have some limitations of expressing of their anger but they don’t have any kind of boundary for anger and this is a serious issue for a healthy relationship when you are going to make it.

Hardly Show Emotions

Emotional instability as the expression of extreme negative behaviour but there is a subtle symptom of this personality disorder. For example, a normal person would scream at the sight of a horrible scene but an emotionally unstable individual may react differently. Most of the time, if you are walking with such a person, you may constantly see yourself as a fool because the things you would expect them to react to normal, they won’t.

Constantly Get Tired

One may notice symptoms of emotional instability such as being incessant and extreme fatigue. The reason behind the emotional disorders is psychological effects. It is a fact that they easily feel fatigued and exhausted without doing any physical exercise. Their mind is always cluttered and full with a lot of negative thoughts and useless thoughts, the brain storage is full & trying to free the mind from such thought. And it might lead to getting weak or stressed out in a short interval of time.

Blame For Their Error

In the case of being unstable emotionally, the person in front of him is always wrong except himself and for this reason, the partner of such kind of personality should be too strong to present their views on the discussion going on. Whenever any misfortune occurs, they start yelling and blaming for the same. Actually, there are times or circumstances when we are not directly responsible for what befalls us and not able to control accordingly

Find Hard To Sleep

Not being able to sleep when required is something anyone can experience who has an emotionally unstable mind. Most of the time, the mind is not at peace which doesn’t let them sleep. For people with unstable emotions, their minds are usually overactive. While they lay on the bed, their minds are usually wondering about frivolous things.

Hard To Forgive

Forgiveness is a thing which directly comes from the heart and a healthy mind can do it. Because in forgiveness first surrender one’s right and then letting go of wrong things. Sometimes they say that they have forgiven but when they go back in the memory and search out the things in their mind then they still carry with them.

Often very few people are capable of managing the midlife crisis, learn from it, and move on towards a more fruitful life. There are few who transforms into a smaller form of their personality and impose colossal discomfort on the people around them. Primarily focusing on self and your kids can be understood as the easiest way of surviving your partners midlife crisis.

Even if your spouse handles their midlife crisis without doing much harm or damages to people around, they tend to go through changes of some kind. These alterations may leave you wondering about what could be done to help yourself (and your spouse) in saving your relationship. Surviving your spouse’s midlife crisis is not an easier task but it is workable when you take the right steps.

In this article, Delhi’s top marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo talk about 5 essential tips to survive your spouse’s midlife crisis.

Focusing On Your Children And Self

You aren’t doing any great favors to yourself and your spouse if you are obsessed with what their thinking or actions are. Don’t be too over-possessive. Still, however, you have complete control over the choices you make.

Shift your focus on things that are in your control. No use of overthinking about your spouse’s problems, it’s often that you are filled with negative thoughts in your head. These negative thoughts will eventually impact you and your kids.

It’s best to fill your time with a hobby that will distract you from your spouse’s behaviors during their mid-life crisis. If there is a stressful environment at home, plan for activities for yourself and your children away from that environment. Do take steps that will keep you and your kids from becoming victims during your spouse’s midlife crisis.

Defining Clear Boundaries With Your Spouse

The simplest way to keep your spouse’s ruthless behavior from creating stress in your life is to defining boundaries and sticking to those boundaries with your spouse. In case your spouse is cheating on you, make them realize that this part of their life shouldn’t allow intruding into your life. Simply tell him or her that you don’t want to know anything about their extramarital relationships and tell that you don’t want to be in a conflict or be a part of a love triangle.

There may be an instinct to find out about the other person. Even spying on your spouse, reading their emails, checking their mobile phones and hacking their computers, these tend to be feeding your curiosity to know about them. But the fact is, people going through a midlife crisis, will do what continues with relationships regardless of what your feelings are. Let it go. Let things take up its own course and gracefully accept the fact that you have no control over the situation. Don’t let it hamper your way of living your life.

Channelize Your Anger Towards A Healthy Way

Often Anger could be considered as a normal reaction to your spouse’s midlife crisis, especially when it is adversely affecting you. The anger could be at its optimal, but venting out it will only make you feel better in the short-term. For some, talking things out can help ease their feelings, while others find that it exacerbates the situation. Venting the anger on your spouse spontaneously won’t change his or her behavior, but will lead to more complications in your relationship.

The best way to vent out the anger is to have a non-confrontational approach. Join a gym, throw water balloons against the house walls. Burn the pictures of bad memories and flush out. The approach is to cope up with your anger in a manner that doesn’t involve your spouse. Screaming, cursing, or crying won’t impact your spouse who is going through a midlife crisis.

Don’t Start A Talk On Relationship With Your Spouse

In any relationship, there is an option of discussing relationships & solving every problem mutually. But you’re no longer that couple and you cannot expect your spouse to care about working through your relationship issues.

In place of living in your past relationship sweet memories, pick up new hobbies, focus on your career, or find reasons to be away from your house. Make a habit of prioritizing yourself which can truly help you get healed.

Listen Without Any Judgmental Notions

When your spouse initiates a conversation with you, listen without being too critical. Chances are that your spouse might be experiencing self-doubts and confused about what they are going through, so listening em-pathetically is the key. Any sarcastic comments are to be avoided. It is easier said than done, particularly when they seem to be irrational or are undeserving of your sympathy.

A relationship is an important aspect of human life. The way flower needs rain and sun, similarly, the relationship needs to be nurtured with love and care. A relationship would not survive on its own. It needs nurturing and care of two adults, giving to each other in a manner that creates a mutually beneficial bond.

Renowned relationship expert and marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo says to foster a deep and loving bond you need these 7 ways to nurture your relationship.

1. Constant and Honest Communication:

If you do not talk to your partner the relationship will not survive. The more you communicate, the closer you will become. The communication needs to be constant as this is, the key for a healthy relationship.

2. The Eagerness to work through difficulties and disagreements

Throwing in the towel, even if you do not cross the door, is not the way to happiness. You must face the uncomfortable situation that comes with a difference in opinions and ideas. You need to show the willingness to work out all the questions that pose an unpleasant situation.

3. Sharing Life Lessons with the One You Love

When you discover or experience something about life, or you take a self-correcting step that is good for your relationship, let your partner know the same. You will be amazed by the positive response.

4. A Bit of Humour, Some Fun and Little Distraction from the Rigours Of Daily Life

You should not spend all your free time working on your relationship. Do not make it a hobby. Discuss what you like to do, where you would like to go, and look for how to have fun together. Then get up and do it. A bit of humour and fun will let both of you break the shackles from the daily life hassles.

5. Emotional Support, Acceptance, and Compliments

If you do not feel that your partner likes and respects you, there will not be a strong bond. You have to lift each other up and let each other know the depth of your love and caring. It is important to accept your partner as they are and also, provide them compliments whenever you can.

6. Being Able To Admit Mistake and Discuss Them

We all make mistakes. Isn’t it? By learning to understand it and let go of the mistakes that your partner makes will change your life around and provide you more time to enjoy.

7. Sharing Dreams and Goals That Resonate With Both Of You

You will be happier when you are working toward a goal and achieve that. Always ensure you always have something to look forward to and that you are doing it as a couple.