Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

According to India’s Top Marriage Counselor Shivani Sadhoo

Couples Therapist Shivani Sadhoo says all these years as a psychologist and marriage counselor, she has carefully observed the attitudes and behaviors of people who consistently succeeded in their long-term intimate relationships.

Several of those qualities are evident in a new relationship but are mostly much less vital in the long run. This blog from India’s leading marriage counsellor shares a few gender-free, common examples.

Shivani Sadhoo opines that although these are all essential requirements most people look for in new relationships, they are, in all truth, driven by the personal qualities that lie beneath them, and those characteristics are not always sustainable over time.

But there are a few personal qualities that are guaranteed to sustain and deepen love and commitment amongst the couple over time that is mostly not as evident early in new relationships. They crop up over time and are driven by the core beliefs and personal philosophies of those who are determined to lead and live a meaningful life in whatever endeavours they participate in. These are some of the qualities.

Humility

Quite a wise person once said that the roots of humility and humiliation are the same: being on your knees. If you are being pushed into that position, you will feel humiliated. It is so much simpler to comfortably stay humble, and deeply grateful for the capacity to be in amazement and wonderment of the experiences that keep everyone worshipping the blessings of life.

Fairness

Agreements and the rules that define those are mutually opted by both individuals in an intimate relationship. Fairness is the commitment to either live by those sacred alliances or to go for renegotiation if they no longer assist the relationship’s ideals and principles. When there is mutual fairness, score-keeping never exists.

Courage

It is most scary to take the risks required to challenge oneself and others in a long-term relationship when the outcomes might be difficult to bear. Yet, your thoughts, beliefs, and actions withheld to maintain a questionable harmony mostly backfire when those pent-up behaviors erupt. When a couple supports one another to stay present and real, they can better face the truth of what is.

Translucence

Honesty, authenticity, and transparency are the foundations of trust. They predict whether your partners will be who they say they are or not. Gaslighting and ghosting never exist in these relationships. The people in these partnerships make mutual decisions formed based on reality rather than assumptions formed in confusion and conflict.

Resilience

There will always be hurdles in every relationship, both from within and without, and certain couples have more than their share of losses. Yet, remaining broken and buried by those legitimate heartbreaks probably steals time and energy from recuperation. Though a few people are simply born with more capacity to rebound, resilience can also be learned. The past is for lessons, not for rehashing or reasons to helplessly fall down again in defeat. The present is for debriefing what went on, what was learned, and what could be done differently in the coming time.

Interested and Interesting

Long-term relationships quite often fall prey to the same-old predictable interactions. Though it is most comforting and more secure to know what your spouse might or might not do, it is never as compelling as new thoughts and personal transformations. Couples who balance commitment to their relationship with constant personal transformation are the most probably to keep each other engaged.

Accountability

No relationship is able to survive an unequal responsibility for the things that go wrong. Nor can it tolerate promises for transformation that never materialize. Accountability will only serve its purpose if behavior alteration follows the recognition of contribution. Certain behaviors are much more difficult to change and attachments could get in the way, but being aware, open, and honest about one’s own frailties goes a long way when repairing is mandatory.

Humor

Seeing the lightness in things while they get too heavy. Relieving tension in self and others. Laughing at yourself. Making others feel good. Shaking off your own sadness. These are critical reasons for humor being a wonderful quality that mostly helps a situation heal. But it is also true that humor can also be used as a tool for wounding. When humor is used as sarcasm, mocking, or teasing, or an effort to get out of accountability, it is not healthy relationship conduct.

Chivalry

Almost every relationship is, for the most part, transactional. You all strive to keep your commitments but, certainly, reasonably expect reciprocity when you need it in return. But the fairness that forces those agreements sometimes should be upended by an unexpected crisis that needs giving beyond the fairness that is generally present. Chivalry is an act of selfless motive that comes from a different part of the self. It is a non-conflicted work of giving without any expectation of getting.

Nurturing

You are always all the ages you have ever been, and there are times when the child in you desperately requires a safe haven to feel, to cry, to complain, and even to yell powerlessly. The nurturing that is needed for any intimate relationship to thrive is the simple comfort of a pseudo-parent-child interaction sans judgment. Being able to crawl into the haven of loving arms not just can heal the moment but also heal the trauma that might have driven it.

Ease with self

Those lucky souls who know who they are, what they can give, what they require in return, and who live life equivalent to what they expect of others are individuals who have suffered their losses and rejoiced in their joys. They have found methods to integrate the completeness of their life experiences in a composite of quiet confidence. They are at ease with believing what they presently know and are still open to altering their perspective as new experiences enter their lives.

Most amongst you know the obvious factors such as infidelity, lack of trust that can damage a relationship. Besides those, there are several reasons which can destroy a happy relationship but these hardly ever catch your attention until it is too late.

Counselor Shivani says perhaps it would not be incorrect to call these as silent killers because those are too subtle to get noticed. But you can certainly save yourself and your partner from falling prey to these relationship killers if you are a bit careful. So, look out for those signs to protect your bond with your partner from hitting the rock bottom.

This blog, by top Marriage Counselor and Relationship Expert, Shivani Misri Sadhoo discusses the biggest silent killers of a relationship and how to address them. Here they are.

Harboring Bitterness

When couples are in a long-term relationship or have been married for some time, they face this issue of harboring hidden bitterness. Suppressed or unaddressed resentments can create irreversible damage to a relationship. It is quite important to express anger or frustration because suppressed bitterness will come firing out in the future and can erode a relationship.

Assumptions

When couples brag that they are so compatible that they can even complete each other’s sentences, it could be both good as well as a bad sign. What they really need to ask is, can two individuals be so close that they know everything regarding each other to such a point that they can read minds? Or is it simply an assumption? Sometimes, just assuming about your partner’s likes and dislikes and doing things accordingly can do more damage to a relationship than good. Rather than assuming, it is always better if the partners let each other express their views and desires.

Taken for Granted

This is one of the unacknowledged factors that often leads to cracks in the most stable relationships. It is a common human behavior to take a person for granted when you are with him/her for a long time. So, how do you stop it? One of the methods to hold yourself back from being taken for granted is just by breaking the routine.

Not Talking about Intimacy

There are individuals who shy away from discussing their physical needs with a partner. Feeling sexually unsatisfied in a relationship is very common but a lot of couples never address this issue because of insecurity and fear. But unfulfilled desires may lead to low-self-esteem, infidelity, and resentment. The best solution to this problem is to talk about your desires and let your partner know what you need and what are your needs in terms of physical intimacy.

It is Mostly I than We

Selfishness is another unaddressed issue that has the capability to ruin even the strongest of the relationships. The only manner to get over this habit of thinking merely about your interest is by prioritizing what is best for the relationship with your partner.

Coronavirus has pushed the world into uncertainty and the continuous news about the pandemic can seem relentless. All of this is taking its toll on the majority of people’s mental health, especially those already living with conditions such as anxiety and OCD. The question arises how can you protect your mental health?

Being concerned or worried about the news is acceptable, but for several people, it can make existing mental health problems even worse.

Today, Delhi based Psychologist and Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo tells how you can protect your mental health and be prepared during this pandemic.

The fear of getting out of control and unable to bear the uncertainty are common characteristics of several anxiety disorders. So, it is understandable that various people with pre-existing anxiety are having challenges at the moment.

Plenty of anxiety is rooted in worrying regarding the unknown and waiting for something to happen, coronavirus is that phenomena

So the question remains how can one protects his/her mental health? Take a look at some of the most important things that one needs to follow not just if one has anxiety or OCD related problems but for general people as well.

Restrict The News And Be Cautious What You Read

Reading and listening to plenty of news about coronavirus has the potential to led to panic attacks for some.

When one is feeling anxious his/her thoughts could spiral out of control and one starts thinking about disastrous outcomes. One usually, is worried about his parents, family, and people he knows.

Normally when one suffers one can get away from a situation. But this situation seems beyond control.

Having considerable time spending away from the news, websites and social media can help one to manage their anxiety.

• Restrict the duration of time you spend reading or watching things that are not making you feel better. If possible, decide on a particular time to check in with the news
• There are plenty of wrong information moving around stay well informed by sticking to trusted and authenticate sources of information like government websites.

Take Break From Social Media And Mute Notifications

Some people have health anxiety and feel necessary to stay informed and find out the subject. But at the same time, they know that social media can be a trigger.

One randomly clicks on a link or hashtag and sees all kind of unverified content and it could make some really anxious and indecisive.

Now one needs to be extremely careful about which profiles or links he/she checks and avoid clicking on coronavirus related materials. Trying listening to songs or reading books instead of using social media.

• Mute or unfollow news, contents that could be triggering on any social media platform you are using.
• Mute or exit WhatsApp groups if you find them too bothersome.

Stay Connected With People

The number of people in self-isolation may increase so it could be a good time to ensure you have the right contact numbers and email addresses of the people, you care about the most.

If you are in lockdown the feel connected to the people around you.

• If you are self-isolating, have a balance between maintaining a routine and making sure every day has some variety.
• It may end up actually seeming like quite a productive number of days or weeks. You can work regarding your important tasks or read a book that you were not able to do it until now.

Clean And Wash Your Hand But Not Exorbitantly

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) people might be seen in the increase in assistance requests from people whose fears have become centered on the coronavirus pandemic.

For individuals having OCD and some form of anxiety, being consistently told to wash your hands can be particularly difficult to hear.

People living with the fear of contamination is one aspect of having OCD. The constant advice or reminders about handwashing can be a big trigger for people who have recovered.

It is quite difficult because one has to do some of the behaviors that he/she has been avoiding.

The matter is to look out for is the function, for instance, is the washing being carried out for the suggested amount of time to decrease the risk of spreading the virus or it is simply being done ritualistically in a particular order to feel simply well?

• People with OCD, getting normal means being able to leave the premises, so self-isolating can pose another challenge.
• If one is forced to stay at home, one has lots of time on their hands, monotony and boredom can make OCD worse.

Prevent Burnout

It might be possible that there will be several weeks and months of the coronavirus pandemic ahead, it is vital to have downtime. Be mindful, continue to access nature and sunlight whenever possible. Do physical activities, eat healthily and stay hydrated. Practice the following things.

Accept: Observe and acknowledge the uncertainty when it comes to mind.

Halt: Do not react as you usually do. Do not react at all. Halt and breathe.

Withdraw: Tell yourself this is simply the worry talking, and this obvious need for certainty is not supporting and not necessary. It is just a thought or feeling. Do not believe everything you think. Thoughts are never a statement or realities.

Let Free: Let free your thought or feeling. It will pass. You do not have to respond to them. You could imagine them floating away in the form of a cloud or bubble.

Search: Observe or search the present moment, because presently, at this moment, all is fine. Check your breathing and the sensations of it. Look the ground beneath you. Look around and observe what you see, hear, touch, and smell currently. Then shift your center of attention to something else on what you require to do, on what you were doing previously prior you noticed the worry, or do something different mindfully with your total concentration.

There are several clear signs of obsession that you must definitely be aware of. Whether you are obsessed about someone or someone else is obsessed about you, it is essential that you know about these signs. Being in love can be wonderful, but it is completely different from obsession.

When you know about some of the common signs of obsession, you can provide yourself a bit of a reality check. Obsession is never good nor healthy, and the quicker you find out whether or not you have a concern with it the better off you will be.

Delhi based Psychologist and Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo talks about signs of obsessive love that one should not ignore.

Something Seems Not Quite Right

One of the most basic signs of obsession is that something just does not seems right. Deep down you know that your feelings are not healthy, and you need to put an end to it. Listen to your instincts, because they will eventually end up being your salvation.

No Time For Yourself

If you are obsessed about someone else, you never want to spend a moment away from them. Those who are obsessed with others do not value alone time because they simply want to spend every waking moment with the object or person of their affection. If someone is obsessed with you, they perhaps would not ever want to let you go out of their sight. Anyway, this is not part of a healthy relationship.

Excessive Jealousy

There is no way that an individual can be obsessed with someone without being extremely jealous as well. Do you see yourself repeatedly getting jealous of even the slightest affection that others show towards your significant other? Jealousy tends to be a big problem when there is an obsession within a relationship. A little jealousy every once in a while is quite normal, but it can rapidly become a problem for those who are obsessed with the person they are with.

Total Lack Of Privacy

Obsession mostly leads to suspicion and a wretched lack of privacy. Does the individual you are with a demand to have all the passwords of your social media and email accounts? If so, there is a high chance that they are fully and utterly obsessed with you. Everyone needs a specific amount of privacy, even in a relationship. Privacy does not equal to secrecy, and it is important that you understand this.

They Move Too Fast

If with someone you have only been out only a few times and says they love you, consider it as a major red flag. You do not want to get into a serious relationship with anyone who moves this fast, because the probability is, they are already obsessed.

Constantly Keeps On Checking You

If you cannot go out with friends or colleagues without the person ringing up your phone, they are probably obsessed with you. You must not have to pay the person continuous attention no matter where you are.

Threaten You

If you are being threatened in any means by the person you are seeing, it is a matter of obsession, not love. You must take any threats the person makes quite seriously, because otherwise, you may end up in a very complex situation.

We are living in a modern-day world which is fast-paced and there is no getting around it. Everywhere people around us, are working and trying to be as productive as they can. A majority of the individuals these days want to create their marks on the world and sometimes that comes at the expense of their relationships. Particularly, in India, where most people have to work for 6 days a week and have to spend 12-15 hours a day away from home and family.  Not only this, to overcome the challenges of daily needs of this hectic pace world there is a trend where both the married partners are busy professionally too. This kind of scenario left very little time for couples to spend quality time with each other on a consistent note.

Of course, there is no denying that to a lot of people, relationships always take backseats as compared to their careers and their personal ambitions. However, it is still not fair to say that people completely disregard relationships these days. It is just that they are getting a little tougher to manage because so many people are looking to achieve more in various aspects of their life. Still, it is a tricky thing for couples to manage both relationship and job.

So, ideally what should be done. Should one opt for a career or a relationship? Is it possible for two busy professionals who are husband and wife to possibly maintain a romantic life with each other? Or how two individuals who are really busy can sustain their relationship without compromising on the other dimensions of their lives?

Eminent marriage counselor, psychologist and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo provides some solutions to all the above-mentioned questions. Here they are.

Make It A Point To Arrange Your Dates And Do Not Miss On Them.

Dates are essential. It is called dating for a purpose. You cannot be dating if you do not go out on dates with each other. When you are in a relationship, no matter how hectic and how tight things might get, you got to be able to manage your schedules in a way that provides substantial time for dates. And more important than that, you have to ensure that you do not miss out or cancel dates. When you mark your dates into your schedules, you have to make sure that you always present up (until and unless there is an extreme situation wherein you really have no other option than cancelling it). If it is not a matter of life or death, then everything else in life will have to take a backseat for your date once you agree on a viable schedule for the both of you to meet. Plant a schedule and remain stick to it.

Devote Time For Each Other And The Relationship In Your Regular Routine

Nowadays time is always going to be the most precious thing that we could ever get or give in our lives. Time is not something that we can purchase nor is it something that we can expand or shorten. Whatever time you have you need to properly utilize it. This is why it is important that we only really devote our time for the things that matter most to us. So, if your relationship is really vital to you, then you have to be willing and dedicated to devoting a substantial amount of time to your partner in your regular routine. You got to be able to make time out of your schedule for your relationship if you really want things to work in a nice manner.

Answer The Phone Or Text Whenever It Comes

Very often, a lot of individuals will fall into the trap of responding late or waiting too long to return missed calls. Never let that be the scenario for your relationship. Given your frantic schedules, you have to grab whatever opportunity that you can avail to communicate with one another irrespective of the platform.

Make It A Point To Never Overlook The Minor Things

If you have a habit of relying solely on the grand and bigger moments of the relationship to give you joy and fulfilment, then you are never going to feel happy or content. As someone who is repeatedly busy and is always looking to achieve great things, you always want instant gratification. It is important for you to have results that are on the spot. You cannot afford to carry that kind of mannerisms into your relationships. In a relationship, you got to have the ability to embrace the grind of it all. You need to place emphasis on even the simplest things in the relationship. You ought to give them value. Does not matter how simple the moments that you share with your partner are, you have to treat them like a valued treasure. You cannot take the minor things for granted because you are never going to find pleasure in your relationship that way.

Be Willing To Make A Little Compromises And Sacrifices For Your Partner

Compromises are a part of the relationship. While you must not be willing to sacrifice all of your greatest goals and aspirations for your relationship. At the same time, you cannot act to be rigid and inflexible either. You need to be able to adjust your goals in ways where everybody wins. It cannot always just be about you only. You have to think and take care of the needs of your partner as well. You cannot behave in a selfish manner. You are not supposed to be a person who is not willing to adapt. You have to accept and acknowledge that there are some dimensions of your life that you need to adjust to accommodate another person who is special and you have to be ready to make those adjustments without any ego, bitterness or complaint. You have to do so wholeheartedly.

Anybody who has been a victim of workplace bullying knows the pain that this type of harassment and humiliation causes. Well, once the bully has been dealt with, don’t expect to feel fine afterward. While you may feel a sense of relief, that you are no longer experiencing the daily stress of working with a bully, you also may have some residual impact from what you experienced. In fact, workplace bullying often has a lasting impact on your overall mental and physical health.

As a result, there will be days when the path to recovery may be challenging. Something somebody says may trigger those familiar feelings of anxiety. Or, you may worry every time you disagree with somebody. These feelings are all normal. But with minor work and an extra effort in taking care of yourself, you will get your life back. What’s more, you can take what happened to you in the workplace and learn from it. Use it to strengthen you as you move forward with your life and your career.

The key is to not grant what happened to you define who you are as a person. Identify that workplace bullies have a choice. You did not deserve to be bullied. Place the responsibility for the bullying on the shoulders of the bully and move forward. Leave the hurtful words and the actions in the past.

Eminent psychologist and corporate consellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares 5 ways to heal from workplace bullying. Here they are.

1.  Make Your Health A Priority

Victims of workplace bullying deal with a bulk of health issues including sleeplessness, stomach issues, headaches, and stress conditions. They also may deal with post-traumatic stress disorder, panic attacks, eating disorders, depression, and thoughts of suicide. Talk to your doctor about any symptoms you are feeling. It’s also a good idea to find a counselor.

Remember, being targeted by a workplace bully does more than affect your mood or self-esteem. It also can affect your physical health. Do not defer in taking care of yourself. Neglecting your symptoms can lead to a host of other health issues. Staying healthy should be your top priority.

2.  Find Emotional Support and Validation

When bullying happens, the victim is often accused of having a problem or being the problem. Continuous criticism, rumors, lies, and gossip can take its toll leaving you feeling lonely, isolated and hopeless. But remember you are not alone. In fact, workplace bullying is a widespread issue that affects workers daily. Consider finding a support group in your area or starting one of your own. Find validation for what you have experienced and identify that there is nothing wrong with you. It will take work to build up your self-esteem and overall confidence again, but it can be done.

3.  Change How You Look At the Experience

Many times, a person who has been bullied develop a very narrow view of life because the bullying they experienced consumes their every thought. Think about things other than what you have gone through, things that have meaning or purpose in your life. There are several benefits to positive thinking. If you are having trouble doing this on your own, a counselor can help you redirect your thought processes. What’s more, avoid feeling guilty about how you confronted the bully or the length of time it took you to take an action. These things are in the past. Leave them there.

4. Educate Yourself about Workplace Bullying

If you are puzzled by what has happened to you, read everything you can about workplace bullying. While it can be frustrating to read about the issue, in the long run, it will help you come to terms with what happened to you. What’s more, being educated about bullying will prepare you for future confrontations. Some victims of workplace bullying even become advocates or support group leaders for others suffering at the hands of a workplace bully.

 5. Find Closure and A New Beginning

Part of the healing process is being able to put the past behind you and detach from the trauma and humiliation you experienced. Sometimes finding this closure involves switching jobs or careers. But you also need to realize that your identity is tied to more than just your work. Rediscover who you are. Develop new interests, new hobbies, new goals, and new dreams. Do not allow yourself to be preoccupied with what happened to you. Instead, find a better way to shift your focus and put the past behind you.

Some habits die hard. Especially if habit or experience is developed during childhood days. That impact lasts for many years. Maybe you know the ways your childhood impacts your relationships. Maybe you have never thought about it. We see the impacts of bonds and relationships.

From a normal perspective, strong bonds are what keep us grounded, feeling confident and secure in ourselves and the world around us. We all need and desire to feel safe and secure; this is what motivates a lot of us. Sadly, we get stuck in our (not so helpful) coping strategies that ultimately deny us of this and we often don’t even realize we do this. Especially in our adult relationships.

Have you ever wondered why you do the things that you do? Have you ever looked at yourself objectively and ask yourself, “What’s really going on for me?” Well, it could be time to think on those lines Eminent psychologist, marriage counselor, and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo states 3 ways your childhood impacts your relationships.

1.      You Don’t Trust Easily

Trust is the base of any relationship. When you as adults find it difficult to trust others, it may be due to deep-rooted issues from your childhood’s past ruptures with the people you were easily supposed to trust. If your parents or relatives neglected you, abandoned you, emotionally or physically victimized you, criticized you and created a relationship that was based on terms and conditions, you don’t realize that you deeply feel a sense of insecurity as you evolve into your environment and sense of self as you grow.

This doesn’t mean your parents didn’t love you, and this doesn’t mean you don’t love your parents. This may mean that the tools they had weren’t always productive. Often, your parents “did the best that they could with what they had,” but that doesn’t mean the impact of those means or lack of it should be dismissed. It had an impact.

If your parents or guardians don’t give you the unconditional space to be human-like have emotions, mess up etc. Then you start internalizing emotions and start adapting to your insecurities by not trusting others around you and becoming protective of yourselves in many different ways.

2.      You Always Need A Lot Of Assurance

If you forge an insecure bond with your parents or guardians in infancy and childhood, (whether it’s because they were helicopter parents and never allowed you to have any sense of autonomy, or because they were never around you), you deeply develop a sense of insecurity and doubt in yourselves.

Maybe you weren’t given the reassurance as a child that was required for you to feel a sense of confidence in yourself to explore and make mistakes; maybe you weren’t ever acknowledged, to begin with. Might be you were acknowledged too much and everything you did was criticized or validated in a positive way. If everything you did in our parent’s eyes was unseen or seen under a microscope, or seen through rose-colored glasses, you weren’t given the space or freedom to feel confident in our own achievements, shortcomings, and mistakes.

How does this impact your relationship? Fine, to start, you may find yourself really defensive and it may be because you’re feeling insecure. Instead of giving your partner an opportunity to reassure you, you push them away with your defensiveness because you are struggling and don’t know how to soothe or feel comforted.

3.      You Feel Panic Immediately When You Perceive Your Partner Is Pulling Away

It may be illogical, but in those moments your brain isn’t able to reassure you that you are just being illogical and you have nothing to worry about. If you experience an immediate or overwhelming sense of panic when you perceive your partner is shutting down, moving away and or leaving you, this may be due to your childhood experience.

If you experienced any abandonment growing up, this deeply rooted trigger can become extreme in your adult relationships. You may find yourself feeling immediately upset and needing to repair an issue immediately in order to soothe the panic and fear. This may ultimately push your partner away if they want space or are afraid of conflict and the two of you may find yourselves in a difficult situation.