Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Explains Delhi’s Top Marriage Counselor Shivani Sadhoo

Opting to be in a relationship is not the most difficult aspect of wanting to be with someone, it is continuing to stay with them irrespective of the ups and downs. It is to understand their weaknesses and turn them into your strengths. It is the work of being totally transparent with them about your fears and insecurities say, Shivani.

Intimacy

It actually, is the close connection between two people where they share their feelings, emotions, trust, vulnerability, and closeness. However, if one imagines that intimacy requires just remaining in a romantic relationship, that would be false. This can exist between friends, family members, and even strangers in specific situations.

However, when one refers to being in a relationship, people associate intimacy with only getting physically intimate – which is only a physical aspect. While getting intimate physically, surely is an important part of a healthy relationship, it is not everything. There are various ways to increase intimacy and make your relationship healthy and without that, it is probably that the people in the relationship might drift apart opines couples therapist Shivani Sadhoo.

There are 5 kinds of intimacy that might overlap or intersect with each other from time to time. However, the relevance and essence of every single one of them are quite unique. Here is what they are as shared by India’s top marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo in this blog.

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is actually sharing and communicating one’s innermost fears, vulnerabilities, thoughts, feelings, and experiences with another person. This is done when an individual sharing feels comfortable doing so and feels understood and supported in return. It actually, is the feeling of creating closeness with another person by being vulnerable and sharing your actual self with them.

However, forming emotional intimacy depends on both the listener and the one talking. A person can just confide in another person when they know there will be no judgment and that they are completely supported.

Physical intimacy

As the name goes, physical intimacy is fundamentally the physical closeness with another person. This could be in the form of sexual and non-sexual intimacy both, including hugging, holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. Physical intimacy is extremely vital as it means two people are comfortable sharing their physical space and bodies with each other without any judgment.

It is also quite important as physical touch in a relationship triggers oxytocin, which is the feel-good hormone. These hormones are also known as bonding hormones which assist in forming better attachments. When released, these hormones help create feelings of trust, intimacy, and closeness between partners. It is sometimes referred to as the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone” as it can promote feelings of warmth and affection.

Intellectual intimacy

Every person is an individual and the idea of sharing one’s own opinions, beliefs, and thoughts with another individual without having to about getting into a conflict is intellectual intimacy. Here one person has to believe that their opinions and ideologies related to life or any other aspect are valued instead of feeling that they are pressured to agree with the other person’s views.

This sort of listening can foster a deep and meaningful bond between two individuals, as it needs active listening, open-mindedness, and a willingness to learn from each other. This is a top way to get closer to a partner without having to be physically intimate. Not only that, it helps two people appreciate each other’s thoughts and ideas while connecting on a level beyond surface-level small talk.

Spiritual intimacy

Similar religious practices do not mandatorily have to do with spiritual intimacy. But it could be a shared connection or understanding of spirituality or religion between two individuals. This can include sharing beliefs, values, and practices that are essential to each person. This will also include supporting the spiritual formation and growth.

This could also include engaging in spiritual practices together like praying or going to a religious place or simply meditating. It could be a great thing in a romantic relationship as it will bring a sense of shared purpose and meaning beyond the everyday aspects of the relationship.

Experiential intimacy

Experiential intimacy is generally, the deep connection developed between two people by sharing the same experiences. This could include engaging in activities or working together, forming memories by going on trips or vacations, or simply bonding by doing challenges together or living successes.

This is not just a great way to be intimate in a romantic relationship but also for non-romantic relationships as it supports strengthening trust, communication, and emotional intimacy between individuals. This not just creates a sense of shared history and bond but also helps to form a deep and meaningful relationship.

According to Eminent Marriage Counselor Shivani Sadhoo

Studies confirm the truth that in romance, the end is mostly predictable. The evidence indicates that the strongest sign that a romance is over is certainly not what a partner says or does, but how he makes the other one feel.

In simple words, Shivani Sadhoo says, if you sense your partner has moved on emotionally, he/she probably has. Although he/she might still perform the relational bare minimum, like dutifully calling every day, a partner’s “quiet quitting” might be obvious in other ways, like through the choice to increasingly make plans alone or with others. While it is tempting to wonder if you are “simply too sensitive,” or assume you should have done something to prompt your partner to pull away, actions speak louder than words—and a partner’s behavior speaks high volumes.

Lack of intimacy predicts a breakup

A top university investigated the connection between a lack of intimacy and the likelihood of relationship dissolution. They found that partners who perceived lower levels of reward in their relationship were more prone to head for a breakup. They found this effect was significant even post-controlling for relationship satisfaction and attachment insecurity.

Operationalizing reward in a manner that captures various features of intimacy like connection, love, and self-disclosure, the findings of the study validate the importance of intimacy within a romantic relationship, confirming previous findings that intimate connection is one of the core reasons people stay in a relationship. They also noticed that because there might be a difference in the extent to which a person values intimacy or considers it a “reward,” there might also be a difference in the reward’s predictive power for a breakup. They report that their exploratory analyses yielded assistance for this possibility by showcasing that reward did not predict breakup as strongly for those people who place less value on intimacy.

India’s top marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares some points that will help you to recognize the signs that the end is near in this blog.

Taking note of the presence or absence of the features of intimacy noted in the study like connection, love, and self-disclosure, could make it easier to observe when your partner is disengaging. Here are a few signs to look for.

Building up boundaries

Some partners start to withdraw by forming walls instead of bridges. This might occur physically, like when a partner seeks to spend more time in a different room, or emotionally, through reduced information sharing. However, it is manifest, forming boundaries is a roadblock to relational development, showcasing the beginning of a future apart.

Withdrawing affection

If your partner has lost interest in getting intimate and doing romance, you most probably want to know why. Barring significant life alterations like a cancer diagnosis, or the loss of a job or loved one, which could be associated with withdrawal and depression, withdrawing affection is mostly a sign that the relationship is faltering.

Looking for socialization

A partner who is cascading towards meeting new people or attending events solo might be showing a preference for singlehood. You can respectfully seek the queries into the reasons or rationale for the change in preference, but consider whether there would ever be an acceptable answer to the desire to spend time socializing without you.

Starting a new chapter

If your relationship does come to an end, bear in mind that a failed relationship is not the end of the world; rather, it might be the beginning of a fresh chapter in your life. There is nothing about romantic rejection that defines you; breakups happen to several people at some point, and various breakups have more to do with the partner who prompts the dissolution. If a breakup was actually, provoked by your behavior, you can learn from it and march on, stronger and wiser.

Nowadays, people use the word “relationship” so much that it is mostly assumed to have one universal definition. In reality, though, the word encompasses such a huge variety of kinds of human connections, both romantic and non-romantic, and it is likely that no two people share the exact same kind of understanding of what defines a relationship. So, here’s a cheat sheet of the basics.

A relationship is any sort of association or bond between people, whether intimate, platonic, positive, or negative, says Shivani Sadhoo.  Generally, when people talk about “being in a relationship,” the term is referencing a particular type of romantic relationship involving both emotional and physical intimacy, some level of ongoing commitment, and monogamy (i.e., romantic and sexual exclusivity, wherein members do not have this sort of relationship with anyone else). That said, romantic relationships can take several different forms, from marriage to casual dating to ethical non-monogamy.

There are 4 basic forms of relationships, they are family, friendships, acquaintanceships and romantic. Few more forms of relationships are work, teacher/pupil, and community or group relationships. A few of them may overlap and coincide with each one. For instance, two individuals can be both colleagues as well as close friends.

But, here what India’s top marriage counselor and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares is about the types of romantic relationships and how to define yours. So, here it goes.

Dating

Dating is the act of intentionally spending time with a person to get to know them better, have fun together, and enjoy being romantic. Dating could sometimes be about seeing if there’s probability of a more long-term relationship, or it can merely be about having fun without expectations for the future, which is at times called casual dating.

Not everyone agrees on what stage of commitment is implied when two individuals say they’re “dating.” Some people just use the term when there is already a defined, committed relationship in place, while others use the term to mean they are just exploring to see if there’s relationship potential.

Committed

In the context of couples, the terms “in a relationship” generally means being in a committed, long-term romantic relationship. A committed relationship is one where two people agree to continue being in a relationship for the foreseeable future. There is an understanding that the two will continue to spend time together, work on enhancing their relationship with each other, and continue nurturing their bond. People in committed relationships might choose to use identifiers such as a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner to signify their relationship to others.

In traditional monogamous relationships, being in a relationship also means that a couple will be romantically and sexually exclusive—that is, they would not have any other romantic or sexual partners other than each other. In non-monogamous relationships, exclusivity isn’t needed

Marriage is one form of committed relationship wherein a couple publicly vows to live together and forms a legally binding union.

Casual relationship

A casual relationship is the one where two individuals may be dating, regularly spending time together, and engaging in romantic or sexual activities—but sans any expectations for the relationship to last into the future. These sorts of relationships are generally, more situational and short-term, and they might or might not be exclusive.

People in casual relationships generally do like each other and are attracted to each other, though there might not be an intense emotional bond or desire to deepen the connection. Whereas people in committed relationships might see each other as life partners, people in casual relationships might not be as integrated into each other’s lives. They typically will not use terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner.

Casual intimate relationship

This relationship is one where two individuals spend time together majorly to have physical intimacy with each other. They may see each other regularly getting physically intimate, or they might get physically intimate once and never see each other again. They perhaps like each other and enjoy each other’s company, but they are not interested in a romantic union with each other. Usually, there is no emotional connection, or the connection is distinctly platonic or friendly, like in a “friends with benefits” situation.

Situationship

A situationship is a romantic relationship that has not been explicitly defined, normally by omission. The relationship might have several of the same qualities as a committed relationship, a casual relationship, or dating, but the people involved have merely not put labels on it—usually intentionally, whether that is to avoid making things complicated, because they are still figuring out what they want from each other, or because they are too afraid to bring up the “DTR talk”  (conversation defining the relationship).

Normally, situationships usually have more emotional involvement than a friends-with-benefits scenario but not the explicit romantic feelings and commitment of a committed relationship.

While relationships sans labels work great for some people, situationships can mostly happen because the two people are not on the same page about what they want or because there is an assumption that the relationship would be short-term enough for it not to matter.

Ethical non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is a wide umbrella term for any relationship where individuals can have multiple romantic and sexual partners at the same time. It includes polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, and several other types of relationships between more than two individuals. Ethically non-monogamous relationships can be casual, committed, open, exclusive, dating or sex-only, or some combination of these categories, and people in these sort of relationships might or may not use terms such as boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner to describe each other.

However according to psychology there are 7 kinds of relationships

• Infatuation: just passion
• Friendship: only intimacy
• Empty love: commitment solely
• Romantic love: passion and intimacy
• Fatuous love: passion and commitment
• Companionate love: intimacy with commitment
• Consummate love: passion, intimacy with commitment

How to define your relationship

When it comes to dating, romantic relationships, and sex, it is essential for partners to be transparent about what form of relationship they want and to ensure they are on the same page.

Here are a few things to ask each other to define the relationship:

a)       What do you want from this relationship? Something casual, in-the-moment? Something more future-based? Not certain yet and simply want to explore for now?

b)      Are you looking for a long-term relationship? If yes, do you see potential here?

c)       Are you seeing another person?

d)      Are there any romantic feelings here? Are both interested in exploring those feelings, or just want to keep things more casual?

e)      How frequently do you both want to talk and see each other?

Well, these questions could feel intimidating or too serious, looking to avoid these questions means you’re simply choosing to make assumptions rather than seeking the truth.

People form commitments and expectations even sans labels. Not talking about the terms of your relationship does truly not mean you don’t have one.

And bear in mind, that defining the relationship does not mandatorily mean you need to enter into a serious or committed relationship. Defining the relationship is just about clarity.

Some people might choose not to label their relationship because they are afraid of being tied down too early or in a place where they feel trapped. However, one needs to understand that you maintain complete autonomy of yourself in every relationship you are in, and you are the one who is responsible for communicating what you require, what you want, and what you do not want. So, if you feel you are at a place where you cannot do not wish to date one person exclusively, that must be communicated to your partner so that he/she can make a decision about whether that works for them or not.

As Revealed by India’s Eminent Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo

You have perhaps fallen in love at least once in your life. As you grow older, you come to the realization that falling in love is actually the easiest part. It is being in a relationship that can be quite challenging.

Marriage counselor Shivani Sadhoo says, relationships are not always easy. In fact, it takes a lot of work to cultivate them.

But this is the way love grows and lasts. So how do you make sure that you start your romantic relationships on the right note?

While each relationship is unique in its own way, there are generally 5 stages every couple goes through. It does not matter how you met or what your goals in the relationship are.

You will pass through each of these stages.

And how you manage them will define the shape — or the end result — of your relationship.

Understanding these stages as they occur can help you better navigate your way into a long-lasting and loving partnership as explained by India’s top marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo in this blog.

The 5 stages of a relationship

·       Attraction and romance

·       Crisis stage

·       Working stage

·       Commitment stage

·       True love/bliss stage

Every stage is a challenge on its own. Actually, the first two stages mostly prove to be the most challenging to every couple.

Let’s dive deeper into the 5 stages of a relationship.

The attraction and romance stage

This is what movies are all made of. In the initial stage of a relationship, you are in complete euphoria.

You are falling in love, and nothing could go wrong. Everything is just perfect – right from your first kiss to that energy you feel around them. They cannot do anything wrong, and you can never find any flaw in them. In fact, you go around your day in continuous high thinking about this person. And in a manner, you are actually high. Strong levels of dopamine, norepinephrine and even oxytocin are all released into your brain when you are attracted to someone. These chemicals force you to feel giddy and euphoric.

Your loss in appetite, and insomnia, all side effects of this little chemical haywire. This feeling can last from a couple of months to a couple of years. You better enjoy this phase while you can, because the next stages are where things turn real.

Crisis stage

As it has been mentioned before, couples have a difficult time going through the first two stages of a relationship. This is because of the difference between the Attraction Stage and the Crisis Stage.

In the first few months of a relationship, everything appears to be going exceptionally well. However, the dopamine in our system eventually trickles out, and one begins seeing things more clearly. Your love glasses are removed. You begin becoming comfortable with each other, and things are becoming all too real. You see the toilet seat up one too many times, or they said something improper to your friends. The crisis stage is where your first arguments and relationship anxiety takes place.

Most couples will go through this stage and sadly, will actually break up. Suddenly, the other person seems too annoying or it’s a one-sided relationship. And one of you may be having cold feet. Are you truly compatible? The crisis stage is where your mettle as a couple will get tested. You are suddenly struggling for power and searching for harmony at the same time.

Working stage

So you eventually conquered the crisis stage. Whoa!

You have clawed your way out of the hole, and now you find yourself in perfect harmony. You have formed a routine as a couple. Someone cooks and the other partner does the dishes. Everything is calm, and you see yourself in love with this person — in the manner that counts.

Commitment stage

You decide to be together. Even when the going gets tough. Even when it may be difficult sometimes. You recognize that your partner is a completely other person with their own set of flaws, dreams, goals, desires, and needs. But you choose them anyway. This is what the commitment stage is all about. It is all about consciously deciding that this individual is the one for you. You may think the working stage was good, but the commitment stage is where you genuinely feel like you belong to this person.

This is generally, when couples take big steps in committing to each other – moving in, marriage, or having kids.

Real love/bliss stage

This is it. This is what everything you did was for. All the sweat, hard work, blood, and tears have brought you here. Finally, you are a team. Your relationship is no more the center of your world. Rather, you go outside of your relationship and make something beautiful. The real love or bliss stage is where couples work together on an ultimate goal or project.

This could be anything creative that means a lot to both of you, or something practical such as your dream home. But to several couples, it is about starting a family. And although there are continuous challenges that will test you, you have all the things you need to make it through. You have learned from your past mistakes. You remember the good times fondly and the bad times make you realize it was all worth it after all.

The takeaway

Relationships are a journey. But so is anything else in our life. True love is not something that simply gets handed to you. And these 5 stages prove just that.

It is important to know which stage you are in so that you will know how to get through it. If you see yourselves in a loop, repeatedly arguing about the same things, then you are probably still in the crisis Stage.

Concentrate on communicating better. If you are feeling stagnant, where everything looks fine, but it feels like you are not moving anywhere, then you are most likely in the working stage. Find out your next goals as a couple.

Eventually, being aware of where you are as a couple is the key to moving ahead.

Family habits are a lot more than just an activity practised at home to create a healthy family. It is a manner of life that brings the complete family together and boosts the eternal bond of love and support shared by every member of the clan.

Shivani says early childhood is the perfect time to instil healthy family habits in your child because they are more likely to grow into it and stay in the pink of health in their later years.

India’s leading Family counselor and couples therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo discusses in more detail insights about healthy family habits and characteristics of a Healthy Family.

Let us take a look at the healthy habits that promote a healthy family and support shaping the future of the child.

Have at least one meal together

Sitting together as a family and having a meal is one of the major healthy habits practised by a healthy family that has a remarkable impact on children. It presents them with a sense of belonging when every family member shares stories of what is happening in their lives over small conversations filled with laughter and smiles.

For example, talking to your children about what is happening at your workplace or the list of things you require to do prior to their grandparents’ visit tomorrow provides them an insight into how healthy households function and molds them for the future. It is also a good way to get to know more about what is happening at school and look out for any signs of bullying or child being any kind of victimization.

Allocate a minimum of 30 minutes toward fitness

This is another part of a healthy family habit to encourage your kids to spend time playing outdoors to make sure they are fit and active since daily exercise and healthy families are synchronized with each other. It also adds up as quality time to bond with your kid.

You can either go for a fitness activity such as yoga and aerobics or go in for a sporty thing like running in the park and swimming. You can also think of going for cricket coaching classes or taking basketball lessons together, to learn sports and stay fit at the same time.

Set a schedule apart to play

Kids love playtime. Whether it is a fun board game with your teens or something as simple as building blocks with your tiny ones, playtime is great to forget your worries and pay attention to what really matters – your kids and also a part of a healthy family habit. No matter how frequently you shower your little ones with toys, clothes, gifts, and other materialistic things, the sole thing that matters to them is your time.

You can also think out of the box and indulge in other fun activities such as gardening and connecting with nature. This healthy family habit also acts backward, as children are teachers too, this is a brilliant way to disconnect from your monotonous routine and connect with your child.

Have a no gadget zone

In the present day’s digital age, it is not an uncommon sight to see a screen between a parent and a child. Kids have become so accustomed to digital gadgets that they mostly find solace in watching a cartoon online or playing a game, which is not a good sign. To end this habit, and transform it into a healthy habit, consider having a no-gadget zone in your home. For instance, you can make your dining room a no-phone, no laptop zone so your family is able to enjoy uninterrupted meals together. However, this rule applies to parents too, as actions speak louder than words.

Maintain a bedtime routine

Reading a story to your child each night is one of the finest practices regarding healthy habits, and it can be more advantageous than you can imagine. Not just will it encourage them to read, open up a whole world of imagination, trigger their writing talent and form their listening skills, but it will also assist them to find comfort in the tone of your voice and the warmth of your hug. Furthermore, the healthy family habit of reading to your child will bring in a consistent bedtime routine, and help them fall asleep faster and have better sleep.

Plan your weekends in advance

Weekends and family time have always walked hand-in-hand. Let your family be aware of your plans or begin a discussion on what can be done, so your kids will look forward to every weekend with excitement. It is a manner of showing your commitment to a healthy family and sends out the message that even you are equally excited to spend your free time with them.

The plans are not needed to be too extravagant. You can go for simple and fun activities for kids like going to the beach and indulging in some delicious street food or taking them to the latest animated movies of their choice. However, give your best to stick to the plans made, as a broken promise might lead to a broken heart.

Have a look at their nutrition

No list of healthy family habits is fulfilled without the benefits of nutritious food. Encouraging your kids to have a nutritious diet is one of the cornerstones of good parenting. Rather than forcing your kids to eat their vegetables, make them aware of the nutritional benefits they offer. For instance, ask them to eat more carrots for a healthy vision or drink milk for stronger bones.

In this manner, they will know why they are asked to do it and will make it a part of life, rather than something to do simply because you said so. You can also encourage your kids to help out in the kitchen and cook up a storm with simple recipes, so they come to know the nutritional value of what they eat.

Eventually, it all comes down to you being the role model for your kids. Forming healthy lifestyle habits to encourage an active lifestyle for kids involves you altering your way of life too. Thus, it is essential to practice what you preach and be the one you want your child to become.

Says Couples Therapist Shivani Sadhoo

The majority of people underestimate the amount of work it requires to retain a marriage. It is not merely companionship and love but fights, arguments, blame games, and misunderstandings. Couples often fail to realize and act on these negative traits of their marriage, says Shivani Sadhoo thus stumbling into the deep and dark trenches of marital problems. To stop your marriage from struggling further, you and your partner could cater by doing some of the few things that’ll enhance the intimacy between you both, says India’s eminent couples therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

Think of your spouse’s happiness

When you start prioritizing your partner’s happiness first, you will witness the wonders it does to your marriage. This would initiate trust, better understanding, and happiness in the marriage. Love, attention, and care completely transform a person.

Surround yourself with healthy relationships

When you are continuously surrounded by negativity i.e. others’ relationships that just include bitterness, fights, and heated arguments, you and your partner are probably to reflect that same energy into your own marriage too. So, it is very essential to surround yourself with couples who have a healthy marriage and are also able to support you likewise.

Repetitive way

When analyzed, you both observe and find a pattern that reflects negative conduct. If you always fight over your partner’s decisions, then look to doing things according to their perspective too. It might be a welcoming change. You could guide your spouse to do the same as well. Once you both come out of a stagnant pattern, you’ll realize there is a lot more to disagreements, arguments, and fights.

A new beginning is not that bad

Never hesitate to begin afresh. If you and your spouse have reached a standstill where things are not working out anymore, you both could start from scratch. Act in a way the teenagers do, who met each other for the first time and took each other on hour-long dates and to the movies. This could be a big change for the both of you, that will result positively.

Professional support

When things simply cannot work out anymore, professional couples therapists or marriage counselors step in to guide you through your struggles. They have a better understanding and neutral approach and intake of your issues as a couple and they will suggest solutions that if implemented, adequately could impact your marriage to a greater degree.

The role of power plays a crucial role in any relationship. When one specific partner enjoys too much power it often creates disharmony, imbalance and often becomes the sole cause of the relationship to crumble. Shivani says, in any marital relationship maintaining the balance in power dynamics helps it to navigate smoothly.

No relationship can blossom when one partner enjoys the power and the other one has little or no say virtually.

India’s top marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo says times are changing and so do the dynamics of power in your relationship. One who better understands this aspect of balancing power in a relationship stands a higher probability to reap the goods from their relationship.

Here are the things that may help you.

Share power

It is pre-eminent to realize that real empowerment of both partners makes for a happier, healthier family. Learn to balance and divide the power and distribute duties amongst yourselves so that none of you feel stressed or burdened. This needs a mindset shift.

Balance goals both individual and family

Both the partners in a marriage need to honor common goals related to the family and respect individual dreams as well. This lessens the major portion of the load on the husband for the finances and a major portion of the load on the wife for caregiving or in other cases, or vice versa.

Try to influence not impose

Imposing your will and views and one-way communication never help in any relationship. It often leads to a deadlock and damaged egos. The skill of positive impact using listening and questioning is more vital than merely demanding or imposing your views. Honest open communication will assist in solutions when both parties feel empowered and respected.

There may always be a soft balance of power in a husband-wife relationship but to make a long-lasting relationship work, both partners require to feel empowered enough to share their power.

For any relationship to last long, the balancing act of power amongst the partners often decides which way the relationship will march on. If you feel that maintaining the balance in power often creates a rift in your relationship. It is better to introspect that and try to include the above-said things to see the positive changes in your relationship.

What Does It Mean To Be Emotionally Safe In A Relationship, Says Shivani Sadhoo?

We all have seen in movies, or read love stories, where the protagonists say that love is everything to survive with their lover. Is it actually, everything? Is it truly possible to love someone but not feel emotionally connected? Do you have a desire to connect? But your (deep yearnings keep making you frustrated without knowing the reason).

Wistfully, there is mostly a gap between the love you feel in your heart and the emotional intimacy you experience with someone. Shivani Sadhoo says the connection one desires may seem so close, so they keep trying, yet it might remain sadly elusive. It is maddening when you love a person but do not experience the trust and safety that is paramount for the relationship to thrive. This emotional safety is a vital foundation for an intimate relationship.

This blog by Couples Therapist and Relationship Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo sheds some light on reasons when love is not enough for your relationship to thrive. Read on to know why?

Components of an Emotional Safety

When you feel emotionally safe, you feel internally relaxed with a person. Your guard is down and your shields do not go up when you interact. You feel truly free to be authentic, which includes expressing your hurts, dissatisfactions, and desires without worrying or fearing that you will be criticized or shamed.

As per John Gottman’s research on marital success, one out of the four factors that lead to disturbed relationships is defensiveness (besides criticism, contempt, and stonewalling). You defend yourself against the painful feelings that may pierce your heart if you are blamed, judged, shamed, and even rejected. Maintaining this invisible wall turns into a barrier that does not let your heart remain soft and open.

There are multiple possible manners to protect yourself when you do not feel safe. You may shield yourself by shutting down and remaining distant; you may minimize contact with your partner or friend. Or you might become critical of others before they have an opportunity to criticize you. Or you defensively turn the tables on them when they show any dissatisfaction with you. (For instance, “well you are not a good listener either” or “you are the one who always forgets not me”).

When you feel safe with a person, you do not have to be defensive since there is little to defend against. When you feel constantly treated with respect and kindness, you can relax internally with a partner. As you trust that your partner or even a friend has the intention and ability to see who you truly are—to hear and understand you, even if they might fall short a few times—you relax more and more with them, which boosts the trust and forms intimacy.

Forming a trusting, non-defensive relationship needs that you provide to another what you desire. Love demands reciprocal sharing—extending yourself toward another’s world in a manner that lets the other one feel emotionally safe with you. Enjoying the wonderful dance of intimacy—the aisle of “undefended love,” the way Jett Paris and Marlena Lyon say it: requires two self-aware, undefended individuals who are emotionally honest with themselves and each other.

Being Yourself and Being Truthful

One of the blessings of forming safety in a relationship is that you feel free to be yourself. If you have been hurt in the past, you may have vowed to never be so trusting and open again. Your heart might flash the signal: “not available for love and to be loved.”

Life is richer when you find a partner with whom to enjoy the special bond that comes from being yourself and feeling accepted as you are. As two people feel secure to be vulnerable with each other—showing tender feelings and desires without the worrying of criticism or rejection—the connection enhances.

Emotional safety also needs telling the truth and keeping agreements. You cannot feel safe with an individual who is deceiving you or when their actions are not in line with their words. Authentic, open, trustworthy communication is the life energy of an intimate relationship.

Certainly, nobody is perfect, and it is much simple to perceive others’ imperfections than to see your own. It is inevitable that sometimes trust will be broken, even in the best of relationships. But emotional safety is something that can be restored if two individuals can find the courage and is determined to address the breach through open, non-defensive communication.

There are several ways in a relationship that help in fostering love and care for each other. And one of the smallest yet most powerful ways to show your love and care towards your partner is through a tender or a gentle touch.

Shivani says, there are moments in any relationship be it of a husband or wife or any other relationship, when someone is in a crisis or a stressful phase what sometimes have been learned and observed how unbelievable the power of human touch that could be possible. Let us take an example of a small baby who is unwell and is certainly not able to express his problems clearly, except with a cry.  Always feel assured, the moment his mother touches the baby as the baby not only feels assured but for him it acts as a life-sustaining thing. Often, you have heard the qualities of a “mother’s touch”. This is exactly the same.

The same way a tender touch plays an important role even in a couple’s life. Not necessarily a tender touch does for your marriage, that leads to something towards, more in the bedroom only, but the kind of touch that connects and reassures you as a couple and as a soulmate.

Not only does a tender touch cultivate deeper intimacy; it assists you to communicate with each other on another level. It sustains and boosts your connection. And it is an essential part of a healthy, happy, and content marriage.

India’s leading marriage counselor and couple’s therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares the reason why a tender touch cultivates and leads towards greater intimacy.

Touch Helps you Feel, Secure, Known, Assured, and Loved

Tender touch conveys your love for each other and creates a level of emotional safety that opens the avenues for deeper intimacy. It is this deep kind of emotional security that further leads to more physical desire for one another in the long run. Although every married individual wish to experience a healthy sex life with their spouse, it is crucial to building that foundation.

When you feel valued, you are more likely to show vulnerability to one another. Affectionate touch does not shut you down; rather, it opens you to that intimacy you are craving from one another–on several levels.

To be feel seen, heard, and truly known by your partner is a powerful component in the health of your marriage. Small daily moments and habits that are meaningful build upon each other and lead to something wonderful in your marriages. Use the power of touch to show your spouse that you are watching, listening to, caring, and valuing him or her.

Like a tiny infant baby, touch is essential to your well-being in your marriages; without that daily contact, one cannot thrive.

It Keeps you Connected

A tender touch awakens you and reminds you of why you fell in love in the first place. It is a way to tell each other, “I am for you.” It is a constant reminder that you are not enemies– you are in the same team.

Some ways you can stay connected as a couple with tender touch are:

·       A massage posts a long or tiring day at work

·       Comforting hugs when your partner is down

·       Touching your spouse when you are talking or laughing

·       Holding hands in town

·       Putting an arm around your partner while discussing an issue that bothers him/her

Tender touch is specifically important when you are going through a difficult time in your life or marriage. If you have been experiencing plenty of conflicts, problems with your kids or extended family, health issues, or your professional life, stay connected by making physical contact daily–two to three minutes total, at least. You will be surprised how much you accomplish emotionally by intentionally touching each other every day.

It Conveys Affection Sans any Agenda

Tender touch is not merely meant to lead straight to the bedroom; instead, it is meant to convey affection without any agenda attached. It is meant to be a selfless, supportive and kind act instead of a means to an end.

You touch your spouse because you love them and cherish them; if you merely touch them when you have an agenda, they may start to feel resentful of the fact that you only make physical contact when you desire something.

Practice tender touch without expecting anything for an outcome that is sexual in nature. Be playful and affectionate. Passion is an essential component of any marriage, but it is not the only form of physical affection you and your loved one needs to share.

As an extra bonus, the more physical affection you share without any agenda attached, the more you and your spouse will desire each other in that passionate way. And you will certainly find that you inevitably build anticipation for those private moments later on while you are showing one another true affection.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. While you are under lockdown and maintaining social distancing norms to help the country to control the pandemic’s spread, your very own counsellor Shivani is now just a call and Skype video call away from you.

However, in this age of coronavirus, we hope to offer our therapeutic help. Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high.

You may find, telepsychology isn’t a second-rate option. Instead, it’s an effective and efficient upgrade to a valuable service!

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.

There are specific issues in your marriage that cannot be changed today. No matter how well you try, some marriage improvements take time.  But the given choices shared in this blog by India’s eminent marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo with you today will immediately improve your marriage.

Couples Therapist Shivani says it has been seen these four things change your marriage for the good and the absence of these things could change your marriage for the bad. It would be wise to choose all of them, if possible. But even opting for trying for just one could be a game-changer.

Presume the Best for your Partner

Several couples often spend years being defensive with one another. One of the partners would ask a question and the other one would be defensive. And, vice versa. Being defensive is never going to build intimacy. When you presume the worst of your spouse, you automatically place them in defense mode. In defense mode, responsibility is not taken, grace is never shown, patience runs dry and arguments are frequent. When you presume the best of your wife or your husband, there is a confidence that even while you disagree, you know in your heart deeply that your spouse is for you. When you have confidence that your partner is for you, intense discussions help build intimacy instead of shredding it. Presume the best and be proven wrong.

Speak Less and Listen More

Some individuals are control freaks. Control freaks have to be correct and have to have the last word. Because one always trying to prove he/she was right and always trying to have the last word, one would listen but just to have a response or counterpoint. Sounds similar? Do you interrupt your partner when he/she is talking? Do you find yourself thinking of a response in your mind as your spouse is speaking? Do you not even acknowledge what has been said prior to you proving how right you are? Your marriage will change today if you listened to your loved one in order to understand, rather than to be understood. Scripture says it like this, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slower to become angry.

Stop Attempting to Change your Spouse

Many times couples often wish if they could have back the amount of time, energy, and emotions that they spent believing that we could change the other. One often thought if they yelled loud enough, made their point strong enough, were right enough, slammed the door hard enough, they would change. It never works. When one assumes the responsibility to change the heart of their spouse, they assume the role of God or nature in their marriage.  One may say can I just set you releases from something. Understand you do not have the power to change a human heart; only nature does. The best advice that can be given is, that will transform your marriage is to pray simply for your spouse and ask if it can change you.

Do Not Put Your Partner Down in Public

Some partners have this habit. They did not even realize how often they did this until the separation. One such instance could be making fun of your partner in front of other people. It could be horrible for your partner. When you make fun of your spouse or insult your spouse in front of others what you convey is how insecure you are with yourself. Do you encourage your spouse up in front of others or simply rip them apart?  There is nothing that will destroy intimacy faster than putting your spouse down in front of others. On the contrary, there is nothing more fulfilling than having your spouse compliment you in front of your friends or your family. It could be a huge factor.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. While you are under lockdown and maintaining social distancing norms to help the country to control the pandemic’s spread, your very own counsellor Shivani is now just a call and Skype video call away from you.

However, in this age of coronavirus, we hope to offer our therapeutic help. Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high.

You may find, telepsychology isn’t a second-rate option. Instead, it’s an effective and efficient upgrade to a valuable service!

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.