Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Avantika’s Story (Not real name)

Hardly a couple of years went into their marriage when Avantika and Rohan (not real names) were thinking about getting a divorce. Avantika was pondering where she went wrong. She analysed back the last couple of years of her marital life and the destruction of her first marriage and then how she met another man named Vishal (name changed) after some time post her divorce. Like Avantika, Vishal too was divorced and they found comfort and distraction both in each other’s company, which eventually turned into likeliness for each other.

Then, suddenly Avantika was feeling as if she had moved on too quickly, and more importantly, has she been able to completely heal from her last broken relationship prior to jumping into the next.

She posed a question to her and also to me when she came for the counseling, says Shivani Sadhoo. The question was “does she completely need to heal before initiating a new relationship”?

The process of grief and healing

Shivani says first, one needs to delve deeper into the question. What do you mean by healing? Does anyone ever “fully” heal? How can one know when they are ready to begin again?

Grief is a cluster of emotions one experiences when one loses someone with whom they had emotional attachments. The feelings one has when grieving is usual, but the majority of the time, they are unpleasant. People look to want them to go away. What requires to be understood though is that these feelings have a reason. Sadness assists you to step away from others and see inward. It presents you with time to analyze yourself and come to realities with your own responsibilities and mistakes. It lends you time to think about the future you wish for and to gradually take steps forward.

There are other feelings while you grieve. Anger is a potent emotion that helps one make changes, but it mostly becomes a source of bonding that could cause problems. Grieving people could join with one another in a relationship formed on their anger at their ex-partners and rapidly bond over that commonality. These relationships may grow fast and feel very powerful, but they require much more than simply shared anger as a basis.

William Worden in his book “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy” talks of recovery as a four-step First, you should accept the reality of the loss and start to see the opportunities for a new future. Secondly, one needs to feel the feelings of loss. This is the step majorly avoided but it is necessary. Third, you should adjust to the facts of life without the other. The fourth process is letting go of the lost partner and searching for a new, meaningful relationship. These new relationships may be romantic or they could be something else.

Last thought

How much time does it take? People attempt to put a time frame on this procedure, but it’s difficult to measure things in that manner. You might never feel “totally healed.” If you wait for that, you might never move ahead. How do you get to know you are healed enough? When are you actually ready? When the feelings of sadness and loss start to lift when one is alone with their thoughts, and their imagination begins accepting thoughts of a brighter future… one is starting to get there.

This blog is written by top relationship and marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

In a properly functioning body, sleep helps the brain to process your emotions and memories at the optimum level. When you wake up well-rested your brain maintains a healthy mental and physical energy all throughout your day.

On the other hand, sleep deprivation restricts brain’s ability to do just the superficial activities like sticking to a daily routine work. All throughout the day, the person may find challenges to gather enough mental energy to think and innovate and at night the brain would get so much exhausted that simple relationship activity like conversations with partner, romantic feelings and sexual drive may turn Zero.

Across the world, scientific research is gradually suggesting that sleep may be the biggest factor in maintaining a good relationship. Quality of sleep of either one or both the partners may affect everything from attraction to break-ups. Today India’s leading relationship and marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares how poor sleep can be affecting your relationship.

1.       Poor sleep habits generally turn a person unattractive 

After all nobody like the company of a mentally exhausted person, even the emotionally tired person himself/herself looks for solace. In a relationship too, mental exhaustion that is generally triggered by poor sleeping habits, reduces attraction between partners.

2.       Poor sleep can fuel conflicts. 

Research suggests that sleep deprivation is one of the primary causes of couple conflicts. Poor sleep leads to poor or irritated mood that causes frequent couple conflict, less understanding of partners’ emotions, and poorer conflict resolution.

3.    Sleep issues may increase marital aggression.

People with poor sleep habits often find it hard to control their impulses. This is one of the most discreet triggers for degradation of relationship quality. Scientific studies have confirmed the links between sleep trouble, self-control, and aggressive behaviors. Hence problematic sleep translates to lower self-control, couples suffer from more aggression in their marriages.

4.       Healthy sleep encourages a healthy sex life. 

Behavioral studies have identified that men and women are less likely to be in the mood for sex if they’re sleep deprived. Good and adequate sleep translated to more sexual desire and more likelihood of engaging in sex with a partner. 

We are living in a modern-day world which is fast-paced and there is no getting around it. Everywhere people around us, are working and trying to be as productive as they can. A majority of the individuals these days want to create their marks on the world and sometimes that comes at the expense of their relationships. Particularly, in India, where most people have to work for 6 days a week and have to spend 12-15 hours a day away from home and family.  Not only this, to overcome the challenges of daily needs of this hectic pace world there is a trend where both the married partners are busy professionally too. This kind of scenario left very little time for couples to spend quality time with each other on a consistent note.

Of course, there is no denying that to a lot of people, relationships always take backseats as compared to their careers and their personal ambitions. However, it is still not fair to say that people completely disregard relationships these days. It is just that they are getting a little tougher to manage because so many people are looking to achieve more in various aspects of their life. Still, it is a tricky thing for couples to manage both relationship and job.

So, ideally what should be done. Should one opt for a career or a relationship? Is it possible for two busy professionals who are husband and wife to possibly maintain a romantic life with each other? Or how two individuals who are really busy can sustain their relationship without compromising on the other dimensions of their lives?

Eminent marriage counselor, psychologist and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo provides some solutions to all the above-mentioned questions. Here they are.

Make It A Point To Arrange Your Dates And Do Not Miss On Them.

Dates are essential. It is called dating for a purpose. You cannot be dating if you do not go out on dates with each other. When you are in a relationship, no matter how hectic and how tight things might get, you got to be able to manage your schedules in a way that provides substantial time for dates. And more important than that, you have to ensure that you do not miss out or cancel dates. When you mark your dates into your schedules, you have to make sure that you always present up (until and unless there is an extreme situation wherein you really have no other option than cancelling it). If it is not a matter of life or death, then everything else in life will have to take a backseat for your date once you agree on a viable schedule for the both of you to meet. Plant a schedule and remain stick to it.

Devote Time For Each Other And The Relationship In Your Regular Routine

Nowadays time is always going to be the most precious thing that we could ever get or give in our lives. Time is not something that we can purchase nor is it something that we can expand or shorten. Whatever time you have you need to properly utilize it. This is why it is important that we only really devote our time for the things that matter most to us. So, if your relationship is really vital to you, then you have to be willing and dedicated to devoting a substantial amount of time to your partner in your regular routine. You got to be able to make time out of your schedule for your relationship if you really want things to work in a nice manner.

Answer The Phone Or Text Whenever It Comes

Very often, a lot of individuals will fall into the trap of responding late or waiting too long to return missed calls. Never let that be the scenario for your relationship. Given your frantic schedules, you have to grab whatever opportunity that you can avail to communicate with one another irrespective of the platform.

Make It A Point To Never Overlook The Minor Things

If you have a habit of relying solely on the grand and bigger moments of the relationship to give you joy and fulfilment, then you are never going to feel happy or content. As someone who is repeatedly busy and is always looking to achieve great things, you always want instant gratification. It is important for you to have results that are on the spot. You cannot afford to carry that kind of mannerisms into your relationships. In a relationship, you got to have the ability to embrace the grind of it all. You need to place emphasis on even the simplest things in the relationship. You ought to give them value. Does not matter how simple the moments that you share with your partner are, you have to treat them like a valued treasure. You cannot take the minor things for granted because you are never going to find pleasure in your relationship that way.

Be Willing To Make A Little Compromises And Sacrifices For Your Partner

Compromises are a part of the relationship. While you must not be willing to sacrifice all of your greatest goals and aspirations for your relationship. At the same time, you cannot act to be rigid and inflexible either. You need to be able to adjust your goals in ways where everybody wins. It cannot always just be about you only. You have to think and take care of the needs of your partner as well. You cannot behave in a selfish manner. You are not supposed to be a person who is not willing to adapt. You have to accept and acknowledge that there are some dimensions of your life that you need to adjust to accommodate another person who is special and you have to be ready to make those adjustments without any ego, bitterness or complaint. You have to do so wholeheartedly.

Today Indian girls are touching skies in the field of the profession, research, army and what not. But still we are socially and culturally programmed where girl’s parents have to spend exaggeratedly on the wedding day, and still, educated Indians have been witnessed to take and give dowry in the name of social customs. 

Unfortunately, following these cultural and social norms, lot of people develop the perception that wedding day is THE VITAL day of their and their loved one’s life. Sadly, people often forget that a wedding day is just, only one day. What truly matters is the fact that man and women’s commitment to spend their rest of life with one another. 

Hence a lot of time, due to months-long mental pressures, tensions, and financial burden for preparing the ONE wedding day, bride and bride’s parents – OFTEN ignore warning signs from the man (bridegroom).  These signs could tell them that the man is not right for the girl. This is one of the major triggers that result in a failed selection of bridegroom in an arranged marriage setup. 

India’s leading relationship and marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares that never ignore any doubt at any point before the wedding. This doubts may come in the form of wedding jitters, bridal nerves, cold feet. But what you shouldn’t do is ignore the fact that your subconscious might be signaling an alarm that something is not right. So yes, pay attention to those lurking doubts you’re having because they’re acting as indicators that trouble might lay ahead!

Here are some of the major warning signs that tell every girl, and her parents that the guy is not right:

1. Cheated once before

The psychological fact states that people’s core nature never changes. If the prospective bridegroom has cheated someone before, there is a very BIG chance that he will repeat the same. Don’t hold wrong expectations if you came across this information, it does not matter if you end up becoming world’s best wife or not in the future, people generally tend to follow their tendencies with due course of time.

2. Puts you down in front of his friends

If you witness the person has the tendency of making fun of you and putting you down in front of friends, remember such an attitude will not contribute in a strong relationship in the future. This will start hurting your self-esteem and later, your relationship with him.

3. Thorough background check

No matter how well you know the guy or your parents know the guy’s family or if he is been referred by your own relatives, never ever proceed with a marriage proposal without a thorough background check. Check particularly the following areas:-

a.       If the guy or his family accurately speak about the guy’s professional situation.

b.      Any history of emotional and physical harming others.

d.      Financial stability.

No matter how hard it may sound but maintaining a wonderful relationship is not easy, especially in today’s fast lifestyle. Without much warning romance can dry out, marital life can turn monotonous and if couples still don’t pay right attention then their marriage can slip from bad to worse.

So how people can identify it’s time for them to give strong attention to their relationship?

India’s eminent relationship expert and marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares that prior to a relationship start to sour, there are certain body language signs that couples exhibits. She shares if couples pay attention to these warning signs, they can identify it’s time to focus hard on their relationship.   

1. Observe the pupils

Generally eyes can tell, a story about one’s relationship. When people are sexually attracted to someone, their pupils generally dilate in the moment of intimacy. The change of pupils happens subconsciously; hence it’s a good indicator of your partner’s interest in you.

So pay attention to your partner’s eye, if you witness the pupils getting shorter when you get intimate or go for a kiss  – remember it may be a sign that something is deeply bothering your partner.  Look for the right moment and discuss if something is bothering your partner.

2. Stonewalling

If a person turns their back on their partner, hangs up the phone before the conversation is over, or tunes out, it is referred to as stonewalling. Not taking your partner’s thoughts or perspective into consideration is a major red flag.

3. Touching neck during conversation

In emotional situations, people have tendency to find ways to comfort ourselves. Especially, women, in particular, typically touch their neck or throat. Oftentimes, touching the neck or throat indicates that someone is keeping something from another person.

4. Conversation and attention

Check how your partner reacts or pay attention to you when you are in conversation with him/her?  If he/she plays with his/her phone, nods without listing or worse, completely ignore you, then you its time you must introspect yourself, try to identify why your partner feels disinterested during the conversation. Sometimes it can be a simple thing like – your partner is too tired to listen to you or he/she doesn’t feel interested on your topic or sometimes it can be something else. Hence talk to your partner if you witness this body language.

5. Leaning away

 Couples from healthy relationship have tendency to lean toward one another with their bodies, legs, shoulder and even chairs. If you or your partner starts to seat away from each other, or even if you both sit in one sofa, your body points in opposite direction to each other – it could mean that you both are disinterested in connecting with each other. Hence it’s an indication that you both must pay full attention to your marriage.

Whether it relates to your relationships, career, or your own self well-being, knowing how to tough through disturbing situations by finding ways to be emotionally strong can positively impact your life. When it comes to stress, it can affect many people in various ways, some might cry every time they are frustrated or guilty. While others choose to be quiet and hide until they feel good. Though, there is nothing wrong with either of those situations. Being aware of how to manage your emotions and dictate why you are feeling them can help you understand yourself in a better way so that you can stop considering yourself weak.

Emotional strength comes from when you allow yourself to be both independent and dependent. This means developing up your internal resources and becoming comfortable seeking and accepting help,

Learning how to handle life’s misfortunes is a great method to build your emotional strength.

Delhi’s top marriage counsellor and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo share tips to make yourself emotionally stronger.

Respect the Strength Of Your Past

It becomes difficult to be emotionally strong if you keep living in the past. You need to throw away those thoughts and accept the reality that those struggles made you who you are today, which is a strong, better person. Many a time we have bitterness from the devastation, slavery or even family history of violence and crime. You can instead, respect the struggles and our cultures in a way which are positive. Do not discount the struggle, instead see how it can be a way to respect the strength in your past. If you can honor the strength of the past, you are a result of that past, so you honor yourself and become stronger.

Make Healthy Choices

A lot of your emotional strength generally comes from within. This means you will most likely feel your best if you eat healthily and treat your body with utmost care. Remember that every time you make healthy choices, you actually strengthen yourself. For example, have you selected an apple over a sweet candy, one point scored for becoming stronger? Have you taken a stroll and enjoy the view? Another point scored for resiliency. Honor every time you create a healthy decision.

Help Others in Need

It may sound weird to help other people especially when you are trying to figure out things for yourself. But when you are unselfish you can become strong because the care you show towards others can reverberate and look into caring for your own life, too. Helping others creates empathy and it makes us a better person, over a period of time. This way you become stronger emotionally.

Embrace Your Adversities

Never beat yourself up when things are not going your way. Failing is a part of life and how you look to challenge and accept it can really alter your perspective in a positive manner. Try to practice some positive psychology and start to embrace all your challenges and adversities as your greatest teachers and power for changes.

Identify Your Emotions

Do not look to criticize or punish yourself for having certain feelings. It is natural to feel low, angry or jealous. When you experience any negative emotions, carefully analyze them and figure out what you want your next step to be. Allow yourself to identify and accept every emotion you have and then decide if you want to follow this emotion or let it go.

In today’s fast moving lifestyle, building a healthy and long lasting relationship with your spouse is not easy; a large portion of the population that daily faces professional, travel and financial pressures, find the least time and energy to devote to their family and spouse.

According to Delhi’s eminent marriage counsellor and relationship expert, Shivani Misri Sadhoo, the key to maintain a healthy and long term relationship is not to take relationship or spouse for granted rather put a constant effort to enhance the romantic bond by – building healthy relationship habits. These good romantic relationship habits could be:

1.  Always go to bed together.

One of the effective good relationship habits is to go to bed at the same time. Remember happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. There’s nothing more soothing than a bedtime cuddle.

2. They don’t expect their partner to read their mind; they ask for what they need: 

The happiest couples generally ask for what they need and listen to each other’s needs. Running around hoping that another person will know what you need or that you are supposed to know exactly what they need is a recipe for disaster. The happiest couples are delighted to openly talk about needs and honour differences in needs without feeling like anyone should have already known or that their ‘soul mate’ will have the same needs as them.

3. Always trust and try to forgive.

In every relationship, there would be arguments and small fights but couples who are dedicated towards their relationship make a habit to trust and forgive, rather than distrusting and begrudging as their default setting after an argument.

4. They focus on what they do right, not what they do wrong.

Positive reinforcement is an age-old concept used with children but it’s also important for fully grown adults too. So compliment your partner when they deserve it and try not to look for things they do wrong.