Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Key Marriage & Relationship Tips by Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Ask anyone if love in an arranged marriage is feasible, and the chances are high that you will hear them quip, that ‘love’ and ‘arranged’ are as distant as night and day. The typical wisdom of 21st century leans towards the argument that in order to have love in marriage you need to first fall in love. In spite of the high number of opinions though, it has been observed that arranged marriages have substantial success in India, despite the fact the many live with the perception it as a ‘forced marriage’. In spite of all, Indians still prefer getting hitched the good and old arranged way.

The question arises is if an arranged marriage really works, then how long it takes for the couple to fall in love? To be honest there are no fixed formulas. But there are few conditions and pre conditions that may help you to fall in love with lightning speed.

In this article today Delhi’s top marriage counselor and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo talks about how to fall in love in an arranged marriage.

You Had Arranged Dating

This is an IDEAL way of making sure that you are in love in an arranged marriage, with your to-be life partner, before you actually tie the knot. Arranged dating is normally the dates you go on during the phase that falls between your engagement and wedding or once your wedding is finalized. Because it is an arranged marriage, you have complete consent of your family members and therefore you can feel comfortable yet secure when on such dates. In case you are someone who is planning to tie the knot soon, you can request for an ‘engagement-wedding’ combo so that you get some time in between to know your partner well and maybe discuss post-marriage issues as well.

You Express Your Heart Out To Your Life Partner

You have no reluctance about sharing your shady past because you feel your partner has all the right to know it. At the same time, you are not about your other half for their back story, rather you allow things to go with the flow. This is a hallmark of a successful marriage, which is made of two individuals that trust (more about it later) and love each other. Be transparent, speak your heart out, share your thoughts, and you will realize you have developed enough love to make everyone around to believe you had a mushy love marriage.

You Share the Same Passion

This must be the ticket to love in an arranged marriage, and followed up matrimonial bliss since both of you are on the same page. If she is into bird watching and you remotely endorse it, then this is the time you cultivate that hobby as well so that you can hit a common note with her. Sharing and having the same passion is certainly going to bring you closer, eventually making you fall for each other? But it is not necessary always that you need to be compatible in terms of likes and dislikes.

Dedicate Time for Each Other’s Hobbies

Instead of putting up an act of how much you loathe some of your partner’s hobbies, take out time and effort in adopting them yourself. If he enjoys playing games on PlayStation, sit with him and ask him to tell you about the game controllers and teach you. You will just establish your place in his heart forever, girl! Even a slight display of approval to your partner’s hobbies is the best way to fall in love in an arranged marriage, while you are still figuring out each other.

You Give Each Other Independence

Definitely, it is great to do bird watching and gaming together, but no one requires a clingy life partner. In fact, the most loving relationships are those where the partners who give some ‘separate and away’ time to each other with respect and honour. Always bear in mind, that you are two individuals who have your very own social circles and obligations. Letting your partner have their ME time is the best way to make your love stronger. Your relationship will then be like the two ends of a rubber band, the farther they are stretched, the stronger they come back towards each other.

Trust and Mutual Respect Is At The Core Of Your Relationship

When you see each other from the corner of the eye just to keep a watch on each other? Now, this is a lack of trust and respect. Trust should be an element constituting the bond between both of you and trust itself must be backed by mutual respect if you want love in an arranged marriage. Arranged marriages are infamous for situations where the husband forcibly avails his ‘husband rights’, while the wife always has ‘who was she?’ question on the tip of her tongue. Make it a habit to never discount or downgrade your respect and trust for each other, which will eventually form the base of your mutual love.

Learn Things and Help Each Other

You provide a helping hand to your partner with zeal and promptness, and you will have your partner more than impressed; absolutely flattered maybe. It will also make your tag of being a truly loving life partner and not just someone is thrown into a sphere of matrimony because it was all arranged. Bring some love to your partner, and you will realize that you just brought a perception shift in the drab image of arranged marriage.

You Invest Good Time to Understand Each Other

– Important Relationship Advise Shared by Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo

The love between you and your special one may be flowing smoothly at the moment, but if you want it to continue the same way, it will help to take stock of possible bad habits that could destroy your relationship if you allow them. Even the best of romantic bonds has scope for improvement, so why not analyze your situation for signs of habits that can have tendencies to sabotage your relationship and kick them out before they even get the chance to destroy a good thing?

If you spot them early, you can nullify these bad habits and avoid unintentionally screwing up your relationship. Honestly, there is no better incentive than to do a check-in with your partner to ensure your romance is as healthy as possible.

Delhi’s top marriage counselor and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo talk about habits that can destroy your relationship if you allow them.

Assuming You Know How Your Partner Feels

You notice that suddenly your partner walked in the room looking gloomy, so naturally, that meant they were unreasonably miffed at you for something you probably did not do. Before you know it, you have launched into defensive mode, and instead of helping to remove the bad vibes, you have managed to spread them, making both you and your partner feel bad.

You should be aware that making assumptions can be damaging to our relationships because they never allow partners to share their situation, which makes them feel unheard.

Refusing To Accept Criticism

It can be really hard to take criticism from the one you love the most, particularly when you see all the shortcomings they have yet to work on. And absolutely no one wants to hear about all the those they mess up constantly. But if your partner is trying to give you some constructive feedback about where they see an area for improvement in the relationship, ignoring their suggestion could possibly lead them to have disrespect for you, which can ultimately break down the bond you share.

Not Communicating Openly About Sex

You need to understand that supposedly the amazing thing you do in bed is actually a major turn-off to your partner, but you or your partner is too uncomfortable to address it. Whatever it requires, talking to your partner openly about your sex life is the only option to improve it. Otherwise, you will continue to suffer in silence and the unaddressed matter could strongly destroy what was once a good thing.

Suppressing Your Anger

As a couple, you often think that things are going great between you and your beloved, and you simply do not want to ruin them by bringing up some unpleasant stuff that could lead to a tense argument. You need to know that being angry is not always a bad thing to do. At times if you are angry can help you share your concerns. It can disallow others from walking all over you. It can motivate you to do something positive. The key is managing your anger in the correct way.

Keeping Score

Not only is this tiresome and nit-picky, but it shows that you do not trust your partner to carry their weight in the relationship. If you feel it necessary to monitor everything your partner does (or do not do) in order to make sure you are being treated fairly, you could be the obstacle in your relationship.

Not Fighting Fair

Silent treatments, gaslighting, stonewalling or yelling during an argument will certainly wear down even the best of partners. If you say you love a person, then those feelings should still be evident even when you are not getting along. Using manipulation tactics will only alienate you and guarantee that whatever rift you are experiencing will only grow further.

Frequently Raking Up The Past

If you cannot let go of what occurred in the past, your relationship could be history sooner or later. Being obsessed with prior arguments or lapse your partner made makes it very difficult to move forward. Consider consulting a couple’s therapist to work through your problems in a healthy manner so you can both approach the future with a clear mind.

Not Allowing Your Partner Personal Space

Quelling your partner because you are worried, they will leave you is one simple way to take your relationship from good to bad and then to non-existent. In fact, giving your partner space is more important for a couple’s happiness and contentment than enjoying great sex life.

P.S. If you are in a relationship with someone you truly love and respect, the last thing you want on your conscience is realizing that you allowed a fixable bad habit to destroy your relationship.

Sometimes people can be surrounded by their spouse, kids, friends, and in-laws and still amongst all these people, deep down underneath they may be living a lonely life. Loneliness can come not only in absence of physical company but also when you don’t feel connected with the people you are living with.

When your spouse and kids are too busy and too focused & busy in their own lives that they just see you a part of the house and not part of themselves, then loneliness can turn into a real burden. It can leave you not knowing how to make things good? Should you try to talk to our partner? Or whatever causes this sense of loneliness makes it difficult? Apart from leaving you feeling isolated, loneliness can also make you feel vulnerable.

Eminent Marriage Counselor (Delhi) and Relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares 5 pointers which state How to respond to loneliness in marriage? Here they are:

1.      Learn How To Apply ASLAN To Your Marriage

The big lesson which we need to learn in life right now is accepting circumstances and people the way they are. You should practice ASLAN, which stands for Acceptance, Surrender, Live And Know, this is the way it is supposed to be. ASLAN may not make sense to you, but the bottom line is that accepting your lonely marriage is the first step to coping with it. Instead of resisting your loneliness or hoping things were different, you need to accept that your marriage the way it is.

2.      Cope With Your Loneliness In Healthy Manner

You need to take care of your own emotional and social needs. If you are married and lonely, you may need to create relationships outside of your marriage irrespective of your spouse is willing to build a better marriage with you or not. You may need to make friends by doing volunteer work, joining recreational clubs or hiking groups, joining a sports or spiritual organization, or taking continuing education classes. Test yourself by pursuing a different career or going back to school.

3.      Accept What You Wish Your Spouse Could Give You

Do you want your spouse to support you, have more sex with you, speak to you, or give you company to events or functions? What do you want from your spouse? Before you learn how to cope with a lonely marriage, you need to figure out what you’re missing. It’s essential to accept that you’re married and isolated, but you also need to be certain about what you want from your partner. He/she may not be able to give you what you need, but you need to be clear on what you want or expect.

 4.      Realize That Married Yet Alone Frequently Go Hand In Hand

What are your expectations from your marriage and your partner? A friendless marriage is something we all cope with from time to time, but it’s not as complicated when we expect to be. Our partners can’t be there for us all the time. If your spouse is never there for you or is emotionally abusive. You may need to pull away, in order to protect yourself.

5.      Practice The Skills Of Enjoying Your Own Company

We often feel that he/she isn’t comfortable being alone because he/she feels uncertain and lost. People haven’t found themselves, their identity, self-confidence. They haven’t learned to enjoy their own company and more significantly they haven’t learned how to take care of their own needs. People are setting themselves up to cope with a lonely marriage because they expect too much from their partner.