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Reasons, Why Fighting with your Partner is Good for your Relationship

I hate fighting, I hate conflict, I hate being upset because of my partner, I hate all the bad feelings that come up for me while arguing. I hate hearing hurtful things my partner says. As a counselor, these are some of the common issues that a couple’s therapist often has to hear while counseling couples.

In a counseling session it is very common to hear that when one of the partners says, yes, I am conflict avoidant. Several people are, but not everyone. Some individuals actually like fighting. If you like fighting, you may want to stop reading, unless you wish to peer into the experience of people who have a tough time in high-conflict situations.

In fact, John and Julie Gottman say that how often one fights is not a determinant in the success of your marriage, but rather, it is how one fights. Respect is the defining variable. As long as couples respect each one, fighting in and of itself is not a threat to the marital relationship.

If you are afraid of conflict and strong negative emotions, here are some reasons stated by India’s eminent marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo who stresses why it is essential to be able to successfully engage your partner and manage strife.

Here are several reasons why fighting with your partner could be good for your relationship.

It Bolsters the Relationship by Increasing Trust

Constructive fighting that happens within boundaries, or rules, that lets for emotional expression while avoiding abuse, bolsters a relationship. Weathering the storm lets a couple see the clearing skies, and with calm waters approaching, a deeper understanding is visible on the horizon.

Coming through the other aspect of an argument strengthens feelings of trust in the process. Knowing that you can survive makes fighting less threatening. Because it is less threatening you tend to avoid delaying a confrontation and present your concerns earlier to your partner when they are less likely to cause an explosive reaction.

At times arguments erupt like an unforeseen squall on the ocean, blind-siding both the partners. Surviving these surprises enhances resiliency to confrontational situations.

You will Feel Better

Letting off steam and expressing your feelings frees tension, anxiety, and fear. When it happens, you feel “unburdened,” lighter,” “like a weight is off your shoulders.” Not only does this feel better, but it is also a healthier state when anxiety and stress, with accompanying harmful hormones, are dissipated (this does not mean venting or dumping toxic elements on your partner).

Keeping emotions bottled up every time often leads to rigidity of the mind, body and soul.

Your Partner will get to know about your Views, Feelings, and Thoughts

When you are able to completely express yourself, your partner will understand the depth of your feelings about the given subject. If you say, in a quiet and unobtrusive way, “I do not like it when you do this,” if your partner hears you, he/she will think you are mildly irritated about certain little things. If you are able to put some volume and intensity into the communication, they will get that this is essential to you.

Fighting has a way to bring out your worst tendencies. But it can also bring out your best attributes once you work through the tough stuff. In this process, you get to know the good, the bad, and the ugly of yourselves and your partners, and still love them.

Intimacy Enhances

Fighting tells you what is important for your partner, what they do not like, what they desire, where their limitations are, how flexible they are, what hurts or annoys them, and what they need to feel better or loved. Discovering these aspects breed a deeper intimacy and appreciation of the other.

Fighting could be a growth process in which your self-understanding, and understanding of your partner improves.

Also, many times the physical coziness that makes up post fighting cement intimacy. And to think most of you believe fighting is a bad thing to be avoided at all costs.

Your Partner is a Separate Entity

After you become comfortable in a relationship, it is easy to think your partner knows your mood, your needs, and your desires. Some people even think they can, or must, be able to read your minds. Luckily, fighting dashes these delusions in an instant.

When faced with someone who is absolutely upset, and telling you in no uncertain terms that they do not agree with your point of view, belief, or behavior, it becomes quite obvious that they are their own person. Sometimes it is difficult to recognize them at all as new sides of their personality emerge. It could be a scary sight.

Enhances your Character

You are able to increase your patience, care, and love by focusing on what is valuable – that you care for this person and wish them to be happy (without losing sight of your own needs).

Fighting is just like forging steel. Initially, there is no strength or flexibility in the unrefined product. As it is constantly heated, folded, and re-formed – like a well-carved sword– a beautiful piece of art is forged that can sustain the shocks and strains of heavy combat without breaking.

It is Completely Human; you can Stop Try to be Perfect

Fighting showcases that you are human and not some perfect angelic or divine being, or that you have the perfect relationship, or that you are above everything. It displays that sometimes you are in a bad mood, stressed out, or simply plain tired.

It displays wherein your psyche lay unresolved issues, whether they be for control, stemming due to insecurity, power, from feeling helpless, or self-esteem, from not being appreciated or respected. Whatever your problems, you are guaranteed that they will come up in an intimate relationship – that is just how it works. It is hoped that it has been demonstrated that fighting is a useful function for healthy relationships. When done skillfully, a chance for a greater understanding and love for your partner is possible. Talking about it is easy. Doing is harder.

**However, every fight is not healthy for your relationship. You need to observe how frequently fights or arguments take place in your relationship and what are the patterns.  If they are too frequent. Then it is a sign that tells you not to wait for any miracle. It is a time when you should seek professional help from a qualified marriage counselor or a couple’s therapist. ** Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at Saarthi Counselling Services is there to guide and help you if you are experiencing too much of a fight or constraints in your relationship.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxietydepressionsleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. While you are under lockdown and maintaining social distancing norms to help the country to control the pandemic’s spread, your very own counsellor Shivani is now just a call and Skype video call away from you.

However, in this age of coronavirus, we hope to offer our therapeutic help. Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high.

You may find, telepsychology isn’t a second-rate option. Instead, it’s an effective and efficient upgrade to a valuable service!

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.


Keys to Rejuvenating Intimacy and Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Being in love feels simply amazing. You constantly seek someone who can hold your hand forever. You constantly wait to have someone to spend the rest of your life with. And once you find the right person, or forever soulmate, you make promises of being forever and are willing to go beyond your limits to prove your love for the special one.

But, does love remain the same for the rest of life?

Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo says well, several couples face a decline in desire when they settle into a long-term relationship. And because of this, one might even think that time causes passion to disappear. As you grow old in life, you do less work on rejuvenating intimacy as your role in your lover’s and dear ones’ lives starts to change.

So, how to get back that intimacy in a marriage?

As per the study, the long-term relationship needs to be enhanced to improve the quality of the relationship and keep it happy, content, and healthy. So, read on this blog, by India’s top Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo to know how to increase intimacy and the secret to desire in a long-term relationship.

Reasons for Issues in Marriage Intimacy

Post being together in a relationship for a long time, couples begin to take each other for granted and think that their partner will always stay by them irrespective of what they do. This is when the lack of intimacy in marriage comes into the picture.

Life is all about ups and downs, and when you begin to desire more and more attention, you may give less attention to your partner. After a certain time, as you do not take any steps for rejuvenating intimacy, your partner seems to lack affection in marriage and begins to think that you no longer wish to keep the relationship going.

How to Form Emotional Intimacy in Marriage?

Look to bring back the satisfaction, joy, and excitement, and emotional intimacy in your marriage or relationship.

How to spice up your long-term relationship?

There are several things for you two to do for rejuvenating intimacy, says Shivani. Like go together for a romantic dinner or go for an intimate date. You can also opt for camping and get cut off from the rest of the world, and spend some time exploring each other again.

During this moment, forget all about the unpleasant and challenging tasks in life, such as your work, the expectations, in-laws, or the kids.

This must become one of your special moments in life to share nothing but happiness and contentment between you two. You do not really have to spend a fortune simply to impress your partner to improve or bolster intimacy in marriage. You need to simply create a moment of love to refresh your relationship.

Why is Rejuvenating Intimacy in a Marriage Required?

Intimacy issues in marriage over a certain period of time are normal. Post being with one another for a long time, living together will get dull and unattractive if neither of you is into doing something new to foster intimacy in marriage, every now and then.

There are several reasons why rejuvenating intimacy and refreshing the relationship is required. If you do not take steps to spice up your marital life, this could lead to a dull relationship. This may cause drift. Some reasons why you need to work on your relationship are:

·       Your special one feels unappreciated or unacknowledged

·       There is a constant lack of connection and responsiveness

·       Boredom has crept within marriage with the same routine, you both follow

·       Lack or absence of physical intimacy

·       Negativity in your relationship

·       Loss of complete self

When it comes to rejuvenating intimacy and making unexpected physical contact can bring a certain unexpected pleasure to your partner, and it does not necessarily have to be anything sexual at all.

All of a sudden, giving a hug out of the blue may also bring a surprised smile to your loved one’s face and plays a great role in rejuvenating intimacy. Give an effort to understand and accept how both of you feel, specifically with the wants, wishes, and desires that you two have.

Spend Some Time Together

Couple time in any relationship is absolutely essential. Over the period, individuals in a relationship tend to become isolated. Spouses seem to spend lesser leisure time with their loved ones as the time grows, leading to a change in the relationship quality.

Sit together and make a list of the things you two have been wishing to do. It could be anything, as long as both of you can love and enjoy it together. Do not hog the priority. Post doing what you want, do what your partner desires. In a manner, it would be sharing the joy and love you two have.

Just remember, what it was like to be in love when you two first began dating. You two were so much in love that you could ignore each other’s flaws and love each other without any reason and judgment. What was it about you, that your significant other found to be so loving and attractive?

At times the tunnel is quite long and a long-term relationship or marriage is not mandatorily a full-time honeymoon period. But all you have to do is to hold on and not give up.

Try to get back those things that you and your partner enjoyed the most doing together to rejuvenate the love lost in your relationship.

Always remain positive in your relationship no matter how difficult the situation gets. Make certain whatever decision you make is mutually beneficial. At the same moment, positivity in any relationship is essential, no matter how hard the situations are.

Couples who share the feeling of love and joy in their lives are the ones that would likely last and be happy all the way. Getting back to your loved one would help you experience that lasting happiness. However, always remember that your partner should be willing to get back into a relationship with you.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxietydepressionsleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. While you are under lockdown and maintaining social distancing norms to help the country to control COVID-19 spread, your very own counsellor Shivani is now just a call and Skype video call away from you.

However, in this age of coronavirus, we hope to offer our therapeutic help. Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high.

You may find, telepsychology isn’t a second-rate option. Instead, it’s an effective and efficient upgrade to a valuable service!

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.


Signs You Are in a Relationship Which is Based on Inequality

If you love English Songs, then there is a possibility that you may have heard the song “Issues” by Julia Michael. The lines say I’m jealous, I’m overzealous. When I m down, I get really down.

The song may be quite popular, but one thing that song describes a relationship that is solely dependent on power, and control rather than equality and respect.

But what is the meaning to have an equal relationship? Counselor Shivani says equality in a relationship means that each partner’s interests and desires are respected and met to a reasonable degree as opposed to simply one partner’s needs dominating the relationship. Inequality in a relationship points to an imbalance of power between partners. In an unhealthy relationship one partner practices power and control over the other. If your partner’s needs dominate the relationship without any consideration for your own then that relationship is unequal.

Sounds easy enough. Still, some of the most common relationship issues stem from inequality within the relationship. Think about it. Do you always have to do the house chores? Are you supposed to pay for every meal in order to earn your partner’s affection? If unintentional, these behaviors do not strictly mean your partner is abusive, it simply means your relationship is unequal. Left unchecked, inequality in a relationship can make way to resentment and other controlling tactics over a period of time.

To make certain no one gets the short end of the stick, in this blog Top Delhi based Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo put together a list of relationship red flags that will assist you to determine whether your special one is giving (or not getting) their fair share in the relationship.

They Make All the Decisions

We are all for asserting your needs in a relationship since in some cases, like when you are feeling sick, your needs must come first. However, you likely will not be the only one deciding where you and your loved one will go out for dinner every week. Healthy relationships are formed on mutual respect and working toward the needs of both partners. If you are not certain whether you are dominating the decision making in your relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

·       Do I/ (does my partner) always decide what we will do during the weekend?

·       Do I/ (does my partner) decide which friends we will hang out with and not give a second thought to my (their) preferences?

·       Do I/ (does my partner) always decide when physical pleasure happens?

·       Do I/ (does my partner) decide who will do the home-based chores?

If you said yes to the questions, then it could be time to begin a conversation with your partner about the inequality in your relationship. A good way to teach yourself or your partner to split the decision-making in your relationship is with a D.I.Y. assignment. D.I.Y. projects can become a top exercise in compromise if you and your partner approach the project mindfully. Not only do you get to learn more about your significant other in a relaxed manner but you can make it an attempt to make decisions together.

One of the Partner is Expected to Every Time

In an equal relationship, both partners must be willing to split or alternate the cost of an outing or dates. It’s completely fine if one partner insists on paying for the majority of the things, however, they must not feel that this is to be expected of them in an attempt to earn your affection. If your partner is uncomfortable paying for every outing and you continue to expect them too then it is time for you to re-assess your behavior.

One of the Partner Always Refuses to Compromise When You Disagree

It’s completely acceptable to disagree at times and is not automatically a sign that you are not right for each other. The critical thing here is to work towards a solution that is acceptable to both partners. To do it, each partner needs to be willing to make compromises, rather than competing with the other partner’s needs. There will be moments that you both have to agree to disagree. Making some compromises and knowing that it is fine to disagree (respectfully), will contribute to a more balanced relationship where both partners are at ease. The next time you and your partner disagree and your partner refuses for any compromise, let them know how it makes you feel. The main thing is no one’s opinion is more essential than the other and if your partner continues this unhealthy pattern, it may be time to think of leaving the relationship.

One Partner Always Has the Last Word

In an equal relationship, when conflict happens each partner must feel the freedom to express themselves without feeling afraid or dominated by the other. Rather than shutting your partner down when they are voicing their opinion, take it as an opportunity to get to know your partner better. The aim is not to win an argument, but to gain a mutual understanding of the problem you are both facing. And if you believe that you cannot disagree with your partner without facing severe criticism or fear of being met with an angry outcome then it might be time to walk away from the relationship.

Healthy Relationship is Deserved by Everyone

Equality never means uniformity, rather it means that you both provide each other the freedom to be who you are, while you grow together. Ultimately, you and your significant other will have to define what “equality” will appear like for your relationship.  So, it is essential that each of you feel the freedom to communicate daily about the balance in your relationship.  Understanding the difference between a relationship formed on mutual respect vs control, and learning more about how to form equality in a relationship will assist you and your partner build a healthier relationship together.  And, if you feel that your partner has got some “issues”, it is best you let them know about those. After all, you deserve to be in a healthy relationship that lets you express yourself freely.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. While you are under lockdown and maintaining social distancing norms to help the country to control COVID-19 spread, your very own counsellor Shivani is now just a call and Skype video call away from you.

However, in this age of coronavirus, we hope to offer our therapeutic help. Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high.

You may find, telepsychology isn’t a second-rate option. Instead, it’s an effective and efficient upgrade to a valuable service!

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.