Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Your day is incomplete without talking to the person you love. You can’t imagine a day without them. Just when you start dreaming of a future with your favourite person and discuss your future goals together, something changes drastically.

The relationship moves beyond attraction and excitement. Conversations become deeper and expectations begin to emerge. You may meet each other’s families, make plans together or simply become more emotionally invested. And, strangely enough, this is often when one person begins to retreat.

Calls become less frequent. Replies take longer. Plans are postponed. The warmth that once came effortlessly now feels strangely measured.

So, what is happening exactly?

If you are also wondering why do people pull away just when the relationship gets serious, then this article might be interesting for you. Let’s read what eminent marriage counsellor, in Delhi,  Shivani Misri Sadhoo has to say about this.

How do you know that your partner is pulling away?

Some of the signs that may include some or all the below given points:

1. Less communication: Yes, this is perhaps one of the tell-tale signs of someone pulling away from a relationship. They avoid long conversations, especially the ones that talk about future goals and aspirations.

2. Avoid calls/ messages: Your partner has suddenly started avoiding your calls or maybe responding late for your messages. Another sign that they are clearly ignoring any kind of interaction at the moment.

3. Lack of Intimacy: You are being ‘stonewalled’ every now and then. The person who once eagerly shared their thoughts, feelings and everyday experiences with you is suddenly becoming distant. There is an emotional distance between the two of you. This could be a subtle sign of the partner trying to pull away fearing that the relationship is taking a serious turn.

4. Sudden Irritation: The person who always used to listen to you calmly gets irritated or angry nowadays.

These are just some of the signs that one can notice when a person tries to pull away from a relationship.

“Sometimes people pull away not because they stop loving, but because commitment awakens fears they have not yet learned to face.” Opines Gottman Certified Couples Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

What are the reasons of pulling away from a relationship when it starts getting serious?

Some of the reasons are:

1. Fear Of Commitment

 One of the biggest reasons why many people pull away the moment a relationship starts getting serious is fear of commitment. When you are dating things often feel light and casual. You enjoy each other’s company without necessarily having to think too far ahead. You take each day as it comes without worrying about tomorrow. But as the relationship deepens, the equation begins to change.

Suddenly, future goals become important. Expectations grow and one starts discussing about family responsibilities. For some, this can feel a bit too much to handle. They start feeling nervous. Instead of confronting those fears, they may choose to retreat or pull away from the relationship.

2. Past Trauma/ Past Negative Experience

Past trauma or a painful relationship in the past can quietly shape how someone responds when a new relationship begins to feel serious. If they have once been betrayed, abandoned, controlled or deeply hurt, commitment may trigger those old fears all over again. They do not want to experience the same unhappiness and hence prefer to pull away from the relationship when it gets serious.

3. Fear Of Losing Freedom

Yet another reason people pull away when a relationship becomes serious is the fear of losing their independence. The very thought of sharing every little part of life, be it their room, same routines, even being seen in pyjamas with dishevelled hair can feel strangely uncomfortable.

They don’t feel at ease. Although it does not necessarily mean that there is no love in the relationship anymore, but it’s just that they may fear losing the freedom and private space they have grown accustomed to. And when commitment begins to feel like a surrender of that independence, they instinctively retreat, seeking distance before they feel they have lost themselves.

4. Lack Of Emotional Presence

Not every withdrawal means someone has stopped caring. Sometimes, it could be a busy schedule, family troubles, poor health or a personal crisis or poor health condition that may be responsible for this unintentional distance between the partners. Psychologists call it Situational Emotional Unavailability, and with time, understanding and support, it can often pass.

Chronic Emotional Unavailability, however, is different. It is a recurring pattern: whenever emotional intimacy deepens, the person instinctively creates distance. They may feel deeply, but have learnt to protect themselves by keeping those feelings safely out of reach. And this is exactly when relationships become complex. One partner seeks greater proximity, while the emotionally unavailable partner feels overwhelmed and pulls away.

5. Afraid Of Being Rejected

Nobody would want to suffer from the pain of being rejected by someone they deeply love. For some, that fear becomes so powerful that they would rather pull away than risk being hurt. It’s like saying ‘goodbye’ first before the other person says it. They don’t want to be tagged as a loser. But, the saddest part is that they are still in love, yet they prefer to save themselves from being hurt.

Thus, it is evident from this article that people sometimes pull away from relationships for various reasons. This could be fear of commitment, past trauma, fear of losing one’s independence, emotional unavailability or fear of rejection. Sometimes stepping back doesn’t mean love has disappeared.

It simply means that a person might be struggling with their own fears. Let’s not misunderstand these people always. But if someone chooses to pull away simply because the love is no longer there, it is better to be honest than to leave the other person confused, waiting and wondering what went wrong.

In general, couples who are fleeting through distressed relationship doubt if couple counselling would never work for them or not or would it be a wastage of time and money – and that stops them from seeking professional help from an expert who can save their relationship and marriage.

The problem arises because there are myths about the low success rate of couples therapy. People with no experience of good counselling or who don’t know about the subject, give the worst advice to distressed people. “Couple Counselling is a waste of money”, “rather wear gems or consult an astrologer, do yoga, meet new people” but don’t trust a trained and certified expert who is trained and experienced especially to help distressed couples and to save their relationship and marriage.

Delhi’s eminent Psychologist and Couple Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo tell us that the success rate of couple therapy is extremely high. She says there has been much research done to check the success rate of couple counselling and the results are always extraordinary, for example recently a research was done by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, families and couples who have attended family or couples therapy sessions indicate high levels of patient satisfaction. Over 98% of those surveyed reported that they received good or excellent couples therapy. Respondents also reported improved physical and emotional health and the ability to communicate better at work after attending therapy.

So how couple counselling work? Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo says good couple counselling works on certain basic principles and that pulls out couples from their distressed state to a positive and healthy relationship condition. These principals are:

1. Good couple counselling changes the views of the relationship.

First, the couple therapist helps both partners see the relationship in an objective manner.  The therapist helps the couples to learn to stop the “blame game” and instead look at what happens to them when they involve each partner negatively.

2. Modifies dysfunctional behaviour.

Effective couple therapist attempts to change the way the partners actually behave with each other. This means that in addition to helping them improve their interactions, therapists ensures that their clients are not engaging in actions that can cause physical, psychological or economic harm to self or to their partner.

3. Decreases Emotional Avoidance

Couples who avoid expressing their innermost feelings put themselves at a greater risk of becoming emotionally distant and hence grow apart. Effective couples therapist helps their clients bring out the emotions and thoughts that they fear expressing to the other person. Attachment-based couples therapy allows the partners to feel less afraid of expressing their needs for closeness.

4. Improves Communication

An effective couple counsellor focuses on helping the partners to communicate more effectively. The new communication mode which the counsellor redevelops within couples is not abusive, nor does it ridicule partners when they express their true feelings. The counsellor helps the couples learn to listen more actively and empathically.

5. Promotes strengths

Effective couple therapists point out the strengths in the relationship and build resilience particularly as therapy nears a termination.  The point of promoting strength is to help the couple to gain back their trust, their love, their bliss and satisfaction which was put on the back burner by both the partners.