Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Healthy relationships thrive on communication, understanding, and emotional connection. When partners face conflicts, the way they respond can either strengthen their bond or gradually erode it. One destructive behavior that silently undermines relationships is stonewalling. Though it may seem like a harmless way to avoid confrontation, stonewalling can have long-term emotional consequences and create a toxic cycle between partners, says India’s top couples and marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo in this article.

What is Stonewalling in relationships and marriages?

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from communication, shuts down emotionally, or refuses to engage in resolving issues. Instead of discussing problems or expressing feelings, the stonewalling partner may give the silent treatment, avoid eye contact, or physically leave the room. It is often a defence mechanism against stress, criticism, or emotional discomfort.

However, while it may provide temporary relief for the person stonewalling, it leaves the other partner feeling ignored, rejected, and emotionally abandoned. Shivani Misri Sadhoo, a leading relationship expert, certified DBT & CBT therapist and one of the top marriage counsellors in Delhi and India, says there are many factors, these are:

Why is Stonewalling Detrimental?

Breaks Emotional Connection
Relationships rely on emotional intimacy and mutual support. When one partner consistently stonewalls, it creates a barrier between them and their partner. Over time, the partner on the receiving end may feel unloved or unimportant, which erodes trust and intimacy. Emotional disconnection often leads to feelings of isolation, resentment, and frustration.

Prevents Conflict Resolution
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but healthy disagreements help partners understand each other better and find solutions. Stonewalling interrupts this process entirely. When one partner refuses to communicate, problems remain unresolved, often escalating tension. This unresolved conflict can fester and eventually create a hostile or distant environment.

Triggers a Negative Cycle
Stonewalling rarely exists in isolation. It can trigger what psychologists call the “demand-withdraw pattern”, where one partner pressures for communication while the other withdraws. This cycle can intensify arguments and create a repeating loop of frustration, blame, and emotional withdrawal. Over time, it can be difficult to break this pattern without conscious effort and counseling.

Impacts Mental Health
Being on the receiving end of stonewalling can have serious psychological effects. It can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness. The partner may constantly question their worth or blame themselves for the silence, creating emotional strain that spills over into other areas of life.

Erodes Trust and Security
A relationship’s foundation is built on trust and the assurance that both partners are willing to support and listen to each other. Stonewalling breaks this foundation. When a partner repeatedly shuts down, it signals avoidance rather than a willingness to work through issues. This lack of reliability can make the relationship feel unsafe and unpredictable.

Stonewalling may feel like an easy escape from a difficult conversation, but it is a destructive habit that weakens emotional bonds and prevents resolution. Couples must recognize this behavior early and work on healthier communication strategies, such as expressing feelings openly, practicing empathy, and taking breaks when emotions run high rather than shutting down entirely. By addressing stonewalling proactively, couples can maintain emotional intimacy, strengthen trust, and create a supportive environment where both partners feel heard and valued.

In today’s fast-paced and often stressful world, mental health has taken centre stage. More people are turning to therapy as a way to better understand themselves, manage their emotions, and lead more fulfilling lives. One of the most well-known and widely used approaches is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). But as therapy continues to evolve, a newer approach known as Positive CBT has begun to gain attention. So, what exactly is Positive CBT, and how does it differ from traditional CBT? This is explained by India’s top marriage counsellor and CBT Therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

What is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT, is a structured, short-term therapy that focuses on the connection between thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. It’s based on the idea that negative patterns of thinking can lead to emotional distress and unhelpful behaviours. By identifying and challenging these patterns, individuals can learn to think more clearly and behave more constructively.

For instance, someone struggling with self-doubt might constantly think, “I always mess things up.” CBT would help them recognise this thought, question its accuracy, and replace it with something more realistic, such as, “I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve also done things well.”

CBT is highly effective for treating conditions like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and more. Its structured, goal-oriented nature makes it easy to apply in both short- and long-term therapy.

What is Positive CBT?

While traditional CBT focuses on correcting what’s wrong, Positive CBT takes a different route—it builds on what’s already right. It draws from the field of positive psychology and aims to help individuals not only reduce distress but also thrive emotionally and psychologically.

In Positive CBT, the therapist helps the client identify personal strengths, values, and moments of success. Rather than focusing solely on symptoms or dysfunction, it emphasises hope, growth, and possibility. Clients might explore questions like: What does my best self look like? What brings me meaning? When have I felt proud or capable?

The same techniques used in CBT—such as journaling, thought records, and goal setting—are still used, but they’re reframed through a more optimistic and forward-looking lens.

How does Positive CBT help couples therapy?

Positive CBT is especially impactful in the context of couples therapy. Relationships often suffer when partners focus too much on problems—what’s going wrong, what’s missing, or who’s at fault. While addressing conflicts is important, Positive CBT adds another layer by helping couples rediscover what’s working.

In couples therapy, this approach encourages partners to recognise each other’s strengths, revisit shared values, and rebuild emotional connection. Instead of getting stuck in cycles of blame or criticism, couples are guided to focus on gratitude, empathy, and shared positive experiences.

Therapists might ask questions like:

• What first drew you to your partner?
• What strengths do you bring to the relationship?
• When do you feel most connected or supported by each other?

By reinforcing the positive aspects of the relationship and building on shared successes, couples are often better able to handle challenges together. It transforms the tone of therapy from fixing a broken bond to strengthening a meaningful one.

Positive Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a powerful evolution of traditional CBT. While classic CBT focuses on managing symptoms and solving problems, Positive CBT goes a step further—it empowers people to lead richer, more meaningful lives.

Whether applied to individuals seeking personal growth or couples looking to reconnect, Positive CBT promotes resilience, optimism, and deeper relationships. It helps us not only cope with the world as it is, but also shape it into the one we want to live in—starting from the inside out.