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Reasons, Why Fighting with your Partner is Good for your Relationship

I hate fighting, I hate conflict, I hate being upset because of my partner, I hate all the bad feelings that come up for me while arguing. I hate hearing hurtful things my partner says. As a counselor, these are some of the common issues that a couple’s therapist often has to hear while counseling couples.

In a counseling session it is very common to hear that when one of the partners says, yes, I am conflict avoidant. Several people are, but not everyone. Some individuals actually like fighting. If you like fighting, you may want to stop reading, unless you wish to peer into the experience of people who have a tough time in high-conflict situations.

In fact, John and Julie Gottman say that how often one fights is not a determinant in the success of your marriage, but rather, it is how one fights. Respect is the defining variable. As long as couples respect each one, fighting in and of itself is not a threat to the marital relationship.

If you are afraid of conflict and strong negative emotions, here are some reasons stated by India’s eminent marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo who stresses why it is essential to be able to successfully engage your partner and manage strife.

Here are several reasons why fighting with your partner could be good for your relationship.

It Bolsters the Relationship by Increasing Trust

Constructive fighting that happens within boundaries, or rules, that lets for emotional expression while avoiding abuse, bolsters a relationship. Weathering the storm lets a couple see the clearing skies, and with calm waters approaching, a deeper understanding is visible on the horizon.

Coming through the other aspect of an argument strengthens feelings of trust in the process. Knowing that you can survive makes fighting less threatening. Because it is less threatening you tend to avoid delaying a confrontation and present your concerns earlier to your partner when they are less likely to cause an explosive reaction.

At times arguments erupt like an unforeseen squall on the ocean, blind-siding both the partners. Surviving these surprises enhances resiliency to confrontational situations.

You will Feel Better

Letting off steam and expressing your feelings frees tension, anxiety, and fear. When it happens, you feel “unburdened,” lighter,” “like a weight is off your shoulders.” Not only does this feel better, but it is also a healthier state when anxiety and stress, with accompanying harmful hormones, are dissipated (this does not mean venting or dumping toxic elements on your partner).

Keeping emotions bottled up every time often leads to rigidity of the mind, body and soul.

Your Partner will get to know about your Views, Feelings, and Thoughts

When you are able to completely express yourself, your partner will understand the depth of your feelings about the given subject. If you say, in a quiet and unobtrusive way, “I do not like it when you do this,” if your partner hears you, he/she will think you are mildly irritated about certain little things. If you are able to put some volume and intensity into the communication, they will get that this is essential to you.

Fighting has a way to bring out your worst tendencies. But it can also bring out your best attributes once you work through the tough stuff. In this process, you get to know the good, the bad, and the ugly of yourselves and your partners, and still love them.

Intimacy Enhances

Fighting tells you what is important for your partner, what they do not like, what they desire, where their limitations are, how flexible they are, what hurts or annoys them, and what they need to feel better or loved. Discovering these aspects breed a deeper intimacy and appreciation of the other.

Fighting could be a growth process in which your self-understanding, and understanding of your partner improves.

Also, many times the physical coziness that makes up post fighting cement intimacy. And to think most of you believe fighting is a bad thing to be avoided at all costs.

Your Partner is a Separate Entity

After you become comfortable in a relationship, it is easy to think your partner knows your mood, your needs, and your desires. Some people even think they can, or must, be able to read your minds. Luckily, fighting dashes these delusions in an instant.

When faced with someone who is absolutely upset, and telling you in no uncertain terms that they do not agree with your point of view, belief, or behavior, it becomes quite obvious that they are their own person. Sometimes it is difficult to recognize them at all as new sides of their personality emerge. It could be a scary sight.

Enhances your Character

You are able to increase your patience, care, and love by focusing on what is valuable – that you care for this person and wish them to be happy (without losing sight of your own needs).

Fighting is just like forging steel. Initially, there is no strength or flexibility in the unrefined product. As it is constantly heated, folded, and re-formed – like a well-carved sword– a beautiful piece of art is forged that can sustain the shocks and strains of heavy combat without breaking.

It is Completely Human; you can Stop Try to be Perfect

Fighting showcases that you are human and not some perfect angelic or divine being, or that you have the perfect relationship, or that you are above everything. It displays that sometimes you are in a bad mood, stressed out, or simply plain tired.

It displays wherein your psyche lay unresolved issues, whether they be for control, stemming due to insecurity, power, from feeling helpless, or self-esteem, from not being appreciated or respected. Whatever your problems, you are guaranteed that they will come up in an intimate relationship – that is just how it works. It is hoped that it has been demonstrated that fighting is a useful function for healthy relationships. When done skillfully, a chance for a greater understanding and love for your partner is possible. Talking about it is easy. Doing is harder.

**However, every fight is not healthy for your relationship. You need to observe how frequently fights or arguments take place in your relationship and what are the patterns.  If they are too frequent. Then it is a sign that tells you not to wait for any miracle. It is a time when you should seek professional help from a qualified marriage counselor or a couple’s therapist. ** Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at Saarthi Counselling Services is there to guide and help you if you are experiencing too much of a fight or constraints in your relationship.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxietydepressionsleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. While you are under lockdown and maintaining social distancing norms to help the country to control the pandemic’s spread, your very own counsellor Shivani is now just a call and Skype video call away from you.

However, in this age of coronavirus, we hope to offer our therapeutic help. Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high.

You may find, telepsychology isn’t a second-rate option. Instead, it’s an effective and efficient upgrade to a valuable service!

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.


How to Deepen your Intimacy During Difficult Times

Difficult times may have different outcomes for your relationship. Either it can refine or break your relationship. This is why it is so important to stay connected. Through intentional action, it is possible to deepen your intimacy during tough times.

Counselor Shivani says, having difficult times in your relationship is inevitable. No relationship can claim that it never had any unpleasant phases or hardships. They are all part of a long relationship. Sometimes it comes and goes in phases.

Often couples either do not try or are completely not in a position where they can even think of getting intimate with their partner, specifically, when the times are so hard.

However, intimacy plays an important part in keeping the relationship alive and the same is needed during tough times too.

India’s eminent marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares how couples can deepen their intimacy during difficult times.

Here are some of the ways.

Listen to Each Other

Communication is crucial at all times in your relationship. But specifically, during difficult times, it becomes more important than ever before. As a couple, take some time to talk with and listen to each other.

Your conversations do not always have to revolve around the hard things that are happening. In fact, it is great if you intentionally discuss other, positive things apart from that situation. But this is a time to hear each one out and to help each other feel heard and seen.

Regularly Practice Optimism Together

If you are struggling, this is a good time to work together to practice optimism. Being optimistic could be a challenge, during those times, but if you hold one another accountable and approach this challenge as a unit it will be easier.

Optimism is a habit that has to be formed, so jump into the practice having that in mind. It does not mean you will never discuss or dwell on the difficult times, but it does mean you will be investing energy towards the good things, too.

Have Patience

Difficult times can profoundly affect your sense of wellbeing, and you may not feel like yourself when you are in the middle of a difficult time. You may also come across as aloof or distracted. If you see that your spouse seems down or simply not like themselves, be patient with them.

It is impossible to demand that all the things will be the same, every time, no matter what is happening in your world (or the exterior world at large). When hard times hit, be prepared to exercise patience through it all. It is not always easy, but it is worth it.

Do Not Miss the Fun

Does not matter what, work together to make and take time for play and fun. Shared activities are a must for every relationship, more so when you are going through a tough time. But beyond simply sharing interests or hobbies, look for fun, shared activities that can make you feel energized and joyful. Then, seek those out quite often.

Be Alone Together Quite Often, Whenever Possible

Intimacy needs a private or alone time to flourish, so make more of it, particularly if you are dealing with a difficult situation. Alone time opens doors of possibilities for better conversations, more physical contact, greater emotional closeness, and more shared tasks.

If you are experiencing a difficult phase in your life, focus on spending more alone time with your spouse. This time does not necessarily have to be sexual. Simply, be together as partners and companions.

Take Some Time for Physical Contact

A non-sexual touch is essential for boosting your intimacy. If you do not already take time to hold hands, cuddle, hug, physically comfort one another, and just be close, then now is a great time to do so. Simply giving the gift of your presence to your significant other can make a lasting difference in your marriage.

Make Time for Getting Physically Intimate

Mostly, couples either do not feel like it or completely ignore being physically intimate with each other during the tough phases. Getting physically intimate can be incredibly healing, and can assist to deepen a couple’s intimacy, even in the midst of turmoil. Taking the quiet time to connect on a physical, spiritual, and emotional level reinforces your love for each other and can reinvigorate both of you to face what lies ahead with each coming day.

Perk

Have you and your partner ever taken a relationship assessment? Relationship assessments may help you and your spouse learn more about each other than ever before. If you wish to get to know one another on a deeper level, you can connect with Marriage Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo to seek assistance with regard to your relationship.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxietydepressionsleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. While you are under lockdown and maintaining social distancing norms to help the country to control the pandemic’s spread, your very own counsellor Shivani is now just a call and Skype video call away from you.

However, in this age of coronavirus, we hope to offer our therapeutic help. Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high.

You may find, telepsychology isn’t a second-rate option. Instead, it’s an effective and efficient upgrade to a valuable service!

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.