Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Relationships are rarely perfect. Every couple experiences phases of closeness and distance, highs and lows. Yet, it’s often the little things—a warm hug, holding hands, or a gentle touch on the shoulder—that strengthen emotional bonds. Human touch plays a far more powerful role than many realize, promoting happiness, trust, and emotional security. Simple gestures like caresses, back rubs, or embraces release oxytocin, reducing stress and deepening connections.

When touch is absent for too long, a condition known as touch starvation can develop, creating feelings of isolation and distress. Recognizing its signs and learning ways to reconnect physically and emotionally is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, says Shivani Misri Sadhoo, who is one of India’s top couples and marriage counselors.

Understanding Touch Starvation

Touch starvation, sometimes called “skin hunger,” occurs when the body goes without nurturing physical contact. The skin’s nerves and pressure receptors respond to touch, triggering the release of “feel-good” chemicals like oxytocin. Without it, the nervous system can become restless, increasing stress and loneliness. Over time, prolonged absence of touch can impact both emotional and psychological well-being.

Why Does Physical Touch Matter?

Humans are wired for connection. From birth, gentle touch communicates safety, love, and security. Touch continues to play a vital role throughout life, offering multiple benefits:

• Reduces Stress: Touch lowers cortisol levels, calms the nervous system, and boosts mood-regulating chemicals like dopamine and serotonin.

• Strengthens Emotional Bonds: Hugs and gentle touches release oxytocin, enhancing trust, intimacy, and positive feelings toward others.

• Promotes Physical Health: Regular nurturing touch can improve immunity and lower blood pressure.

• Supports Mental Health: Touch has been shown to ease sadness, reduce anxiety, and lift overall mood.

Even small gestures—such as holding hands, a pat on the back, or a gentle embrace—can make a profound difference.

Signs You May Be Touch-Starved

Feeling disconnected from your partner or loved ones may indicate touch starvation. Common signs include:

• Persistent Loneliness: You may feel isolated even when surrounded by loved ones if physical affection is missing.

• Mood Imbalances: Lack of touch can reduce oxytocin levels, leading to irritability, anxiety, or low mood.

• Heightened Sensitivity: When touch is scarce, even brief physical contact can feel deeply comforting and emotionally significant.

Ways to Overcome Touch Starvation

• Self-Touch and Self-Care – Self-touch, like hugging yourself or placing a hand over your heart, can provide comfort and ease stress. Practicing mindful self-care, extending compassion inward, and treating yourself with kindness are essential parts of addressing touch starvation.

• Communicate with Loved Ones – Openly expressing your need for physical affection with your partner, family, or friends can help bridge the gap. Virtual interactions, such as video calls or heartfelt conversations, can also provide emotional nourishment when in-person contact isn’t possible.

• Alternative Forms of Touch – Engaging in activities that provide tactile stimulation, such as pet therapy, massage, weighted blankets, or using stress-relief objects, can help satisfy the body’s need for touch.

• Appreciate Small Gestures – Daily, simple acts—like sitting close, sharing a gentle touch, or exchanging a meaningful glance—can strengthen intimacy and connection. Even subtle gestures contribute to emotional bonding.

• Reconnect Through Memory – Recalling past moments of affection can reinforce emotional closeness and help the mind feel the warmth of nurturing touch.

Touch is more than physical contact; it is essential emotional nourishment. When absent, it can leave individuals feeling lonely, anxious, and disconnected. However, through self-care, communication, mindfulness, and small acts of connection, touch starvation can be addressed. Rebuilding meaningful physical and emotional closeness helps restore trust, love, and well-being in relationships.

In today’s hyper-connected digital age, mobile phones have become personal vaults of communication, memories, and daily routines. Within relationships, this can create tension—especially when one partner feels tempted to check the other’s phone. From a couples therapy standpoint, this behaviour is not just about curiosity or suspicion—it often reflects deeper issues such as insecurity, boundary confusion, or a lack of emotional trust. Understanding the dynamics behind this urge is crucial for nurturing healthy, respectful relationships.

Is it bad to check your partner’s phone or not?

Shivani Misri Sadhoo, leading relationship expert and one of the best marriage counsellors in India, shares her views on the topic.

Trust Is the Cornerstone of Intimacy

Relationship therapists consistently highlight that trust forms the foundation of emotional safety between partners. When one partner checks the other’s phone without consent, it may signal a breakdown of that trust. Such actions are less about finding concrete evidence and more about addressing emotional uncertainty or fear of betrayal. Without rebuilding trust through open dialogue, phone-checking can erode the sense of security in the relationship.

Privacy Does Not Equal Deception

Therapeutic models of healthy relationships recognise the importance of individual boundaries, even within close emotional bonds. Each partner is entitled to a sense of personal space—digital or otherwise. Privacy in this context is not synonymous with secrecy; rather, it is a sign of respect for individuality. When partners respect each other’s boundaries, it fosters mutual confidence and emotional maturity.

The Behavior Often Escalates Conflict

Research and clinical observations show that covertly accessing a partner’s phone can create more harm than resolution. Misinterpretations of messages, lack of context, or unexpressed emotions often lead to defensiveness, accusations, and emotional withdrawal. Over time, repeated violations of privacy can create a pattern of distrust, making conflict resolution more difficult and damaging relational stability.

Underlying Issues Must Be Addressed, Not Avoided

Phone-checking is rarely the core problem—it is typically a symptom of deeper relational concerns such as past infidelity, emotional disconnect, or fear of abandonment. Therapy focuses on identifying these root causes and facilitating honest communication. Without addressing these underlying issues, the urge to monitor a partner’s digital behaviour may persist, perpetuating a cycle of mistrust and anxiety.

Open Communication Is the Healthier Alternative

Rather than resorting to surveillance, couples are encouraged to engage in transparent, non-confrontational conversations about their concerns. When both partners feel heard and understood, the need for secretive behaviour diminishes. Establishing shared boundaries, clarifying expectations around digital privacy, and rebuilding emotional trust are all essential steps supported by relationship therapy frameworks.

Checking a partner’s phone without consent is rarely a sign of a healthy relationship. While the impulse may stem from genuine fear or hurt, the act itself often causes greater harm. From a therapeutic perspective, the path to stronger relationships lies not in silent monitoring but in open-hearted communication, emotional safety, and mutual respect for boundaries.