Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

One of the major reasons that couples come to counselling is either one or both partners feeling unloved.

Marriage Counselor Shivani says lots of people, specifically those who have been with their partners for a long time and have been doing things a similar way for a while coming for help as they feel their partner never expresses love, appreciation, or affection and, as a result, they do not feel wanted or cared for.

But mostly, the problem is quite much to do with how affection is being expressed as anything else.

Everyone has a different method of showing someone that he/she cares about them. This may be called your ‘love language. This blog by India’s top Marriage Counselor and Relationship Expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares how you can express affection to your special one.

The Common 5 Love Languages

Counselor Shivani says the main ‘love languages’ people often use are:

• Giving Gifts. This may include buying even flowers or chocolates. Physical items intended to please your partner and show you have been thinking about them.
• Carrying Out Kind Acts. This might be something such as cleaning the home for your partner or picking up the shopping. Small (or big!) gestures to make your partner happy.
• Spending Quality Time Together. This may be putting aside a full evening to spend in each other’s company so you can actually reconnect.
• Physical Touch. This might be walking or sitting alone holding hands, giving hugs, or receiving a neck or shoulder massage. Sensual gestures to make your partner feel physically closer together.
• Saying Good Things to Each Other. This may include paying compliments such as your hair looks nice’, ‘I really like you in that dress’, ‘you are a really very talented or simple affirmation of how you feel about each other. 

Majorly people have just one or two main ‘love languages’ that they usually speak – through which they express affection and that they mostly appreciate and understand when ‘spoken’ to them.

So, if someone feels that spending quality time with each other is the most natural way of expressing and forming affection may really appreciate it if their partner plans aside an evening for them to go on a date or have dinner. Or somebody who feels close to their partner when being touched physically may really enjoy a light massage at home.

Likewise, one usually has one or two methods of expressing affection that do not mean all that much to you – probably receiving gifts does not really do it for you, or you can go a little extra without dedicated quality time. 

Where Do You Learn Your ‘Love Language’?

How one expresses affection is mostly hugely influenced by what you learnt growing up. If your family likes spending plenty of quality time together, for example, you may value the same things in your partner. If there was an embarrassment at expressing feelings verbally or physically, this could continue into adulthood. But there are no real hard and fast formulas or rules, you may make a choice to do things differently in your adult relationships. In the end, you express affection the way you do because that is what makes the most sense to you.

When You Speak Different Languages

If you and your significant other are speaking different ‘love languages’ without realizing it, that is when there can be room for miscommunication besides dissatisfaction.

You may both end up feeling like the other one doesn’t say or do anything to show they truly care and may end up thinking about whether they care at all.

For example, if someone really values kind acts, but their partner’s methods of expressing love are, say, buying gifts, they might feel like they are not having their needs or desires met. Similarly, their partner could feel the bunch of flowers they bought was a really nice gesture of showing they care, but was put out by their spouse’s underwhelmed reaction.

Over time, this sort of miscommunication may really drive a wedge in a relationship. Both partners may begin to feel they are doing all they can, but that it is still not sufficient to make each other happy and content. As a result, they can begin to feel bitter and resentful.  

How Can You Address This?

For a relationship to be healthy you both the partners need to understand each other’s needs.  

You and your partner probably need to explore how you both feel most comfortable expressing and receiving affection. If you think you may find this conversation difficult, you may like to think about the following:

• Give It Time and Space. Never try to talk when one of you is busy, exhausted, or getting ready to go out. Set aside a time when you will be able to talk uninterrupted. It can also be a wise idea to choose nice, comfortable surroundings, in the living room with a cup of tea, for example.
• Focus on Feelings. You probably like to use lots of ‘I’ while you speak ‘I sometimes feel’, ‘I do not always know how to” instead of ‘you’ language: ‘You mostly make me feel’, ‘You never seem to”. That way, you are taking responsibility for your emotions and your significant other is less likely to feel like they are being blamed for things.
• Start on a Positive. At times, it can help to start by focussing on what you like about the relationship: ‘I love that we can rely on each other for the big stuff, but I was thinking we could talk about some day-to-day stuff. This can get things off to a more positive beginning and help your partner understand you are not simply trying to get at them.

For plenty of couples, discovering that they and their spouse are speaking different love languages is a real lightbulb moment. They could have been feeling poles apart, but suddenly realize they do love each other. It is just that the messages have not been getting through.

How We Can Help

If you think you and your partner could do with seeking help, talking about any of the above, Relationship Counselling at Saarthi Counselling Services can be a great way to have conversations that you may otherwise find difficult.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, or emotional and psychological challenges.

Is Your Partner or You an Over-communicator? Things You Need to Consider Says Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo

Anything in excess or over is always harmful. As a relationship counsellor and couples therapist, one works with their clients on improving their communication. Sometimes it has been found that one or both partners get into patterns of over-communicating, where they are sharing their entire feelings and thoughts about themselves and their partner. Telling your spouse everything you think, feel, and need is not necessarily a healthy communication form.

Your partner might feel unable to meet your demands and it could seem to them that you are making them accountable for your own reactions and behavior. You could feel like you are having the same conversations, going over similar arguments with no resolution. Your partner might get emotionally drained by all your communication and begin to withdraw or go silent. This might leave you feeling ignored or rejected, and as a result, you may chase your partner even more vigorously with your communication, which makes things worse.

In this blog, Delhi’s top marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo says if you are an over-communicator, what can you do to get your needs fulfilled and to improve the bonding with your partner?

Look Within Yourself

It is impossible for any relationship to fulfill all your needs. Getting clear on what you require and what you feel is missing for you is an ideal place to start. Is it about emotional support, financial security, excitement, and stimulation? It is really up to you to take responsibility for your own needs and your partner is there to help you in that process.

Be Respectful

Are you truly communicating in a way that is respectful to your partner? Being respectful of their time and their own needs and feelings, just as you would with a colleague or friend, creates mutual respect. Getting into an emotional list of demands as soon as your partner walks through the door or late at night when they are trying to go to bed, does neither you nor your partner show any courtesy. Selecting a time and a place that suits you both is what is required to set-up effective communication and a happier and stronger relationship.

Controlling Anxiety

If one is anxious, he/she may try to feel better by sharing all their feelings and over-communicating. This can be anxiety-provoking for your spouse and consequently, they might shut down or withdraw. This can then create the pattern of you over-communicating and your partner withdrawing. Learning to manage or control your anxiety is an essential skill in relationships and can decrease this pursuit-avoidance communication pattern.

Calm Down and Reflect

When talking is not solving the problem, be ready to walk away for the moment and take some time out to calm down and reflect. When you are running high on adrenalin, it is difficult to see a solution to the problem. Taking some time for yourself can help you think about the issue in a separate way and look at what you are responsible for. What is your part in solving this problem? Stop focusing on your partner and what you think they are doing incorrectly and start looking at the patterns in your own behavior. This is where change starts.

Communication issues do not need to damage your relationship. Working with a professional counselor at Saarthi Counseling Services can support you in forming a positive communication style, where both partners feel heard, validated, and valued. Contact marriage counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo now to start communicating in an effective and positive way for both you and your partner. Let’s talk before it’s too late.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.

If you are not driving, you are sleeping, and if you are at work you are texting, writing e-mails and talking, but rarely listening, means actually, listening.

Listening seems to be a declining skill because listening means absolute listening and nothing else Not thinking of tomorrow’s activity, the “To Do” list and the growing message inbox. Relationship Experts Shivani says listening is such a passive act that several of you simply do not do it.

Some studies have indicated that one typically remembers merely 25 to 30% of what one hears. However, ‘Active Listening’ can enhance that figure enormously. One of the methods to use ‘Active Listening’ is to remember the mostly-used expression that “eyes and ears must be used in the same proportion they have been allocated to you.”

In today’s digital world one seems to be constantly playing catch up with voice calls, e-mails, meetings, and ever-expanding tight deadlines. As a result, one seems to be “broadcasting” all the time but quite rarely listening to what is essential.

The kids tend to watch television whilst texting their friends and doing homework. How do they do that? Actually, the answer is that they cannot do all those things well at the same time.

So, is it that essential? Yes, it is. If one doesn’t truly listen one does not get the actual message being communicated. If one doesn’t get the real message then one can’t act appropriately.

If you really want to boost relationships and grow your business then you have to work towards good listening. Here are some of the reasons shared by Delhi’s top marriage counselor and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo why listening boosts relationships.

How Listening To Your Partner Can Boost Your Relationships?

You Can Gain Information – If you listen, truly listen; you can learn things about the person, be it your spouse, kids or colleague, their aspirations, their fears, their work, and what you may be able to help them with.

There is so much of the spoken meanings hidden in inflexion, tone, and expression, so listening is critical for understanding and gaining information. And as you all know, information is power. It lets you fashion the necessary responses and strategies to assist the person to whom you are listening.

Increases Your Accuracy – When you listen genuinely, you have a better recollection of vital facts and issues. This can result in fewer miscommunications and errors and makes you more efficient and have more value in your relationships both personal and professional ones.

You Build Trust – When you give your entire attention to the persons expressing thoughts and experiences that are essential to them, they are possibly to see you as a person who really thinks and cares about them.

When you are obviously paying attention to that person and you refrain from interjecting opinions, judgments, and advice, or finishing their sentences, you are seen as someone who cares and can be truly trusted with their information and confidence. This develops trust and later on bonding.

You Form A Relationship – When you listen properly to the other individual’s point of view a real conversation can arise. A meaningful and informed conversation can take place rather than sound bites being chosen and conclusions jumped to. When this genuine interaction takes place, you naturally form a relationship.

The biggest problem in today’s hectic world is that one does not often bother to listen to things carefully, as a result, more friction takes place. Because others perceive that you do not have time for them. This is often the beginning of a collapsing relationship. So, when you are in conversation, let’s be certain to do everything you can to make sure you are being an Active Listener.

It is active listening which leads to solid relationships and relationships are built through several human attributes. At the base of these attributes is LISTENING.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.

In life “feeling bad about yourself” generally comes very easily and in most time, it comes silently. When someone hurts you or criticizes you or if you fail then feeling bad about yourself is a common outcome. To some extent feeling bad about ourselves is good if it helps us to bring self-analysis and re-strategy and re-plan – but if this feeling sustains for long then it can severely damage our self-esteem and confidence level or worse it may put us in a vicious cycle of bad feelings, weak self-confidence and poor results.

In this article renowned psychologist, marriage counsellor and relationship expert  Shivani Misri Sadhoo share 5 ways to feel better about yourself. Here they are:

1.      Always trust yourself

Never ever stop believing in yourself, and remember every outcome in life has many things involved in it, like time, situation, resources, you and others. Hence if you fail, try to shift your emotions and mental energy to analyze the whole situation – not just yourself but others too and try to figure out what could be an alternate approach or strategy to succeed.

2.      Understand that disappointments are a part of life

Observe and study successful people’s life and you will find that every successful person has dealt with disappointments at some point of life, but that has never stopped them. Rather they have learned to use the bad situations to get to the next level of life. The trick is to process your feelings, then put them into action.

3.      Learn to forgive yourself

Remember that our mistakes do not define us. They do not make us good people or bad people. If we learn and grow from them, then they make us better people. To develop positive self-views, you must keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes. Forgive yourself, and give yourself credit for trying not to make the same mistakes again.

4.      Watch Your Thoughts

Your thinking and thought process will never be 100 percent positive all the time. You must learn to dismiss the negative thoughts and stay open to other ideas that will assist you to move in a positive way. Start identifying negative thoughts and use your mind to challenge them.

5.      Don’t Expect Too Much

Desires can be a powerful motivating tool, but wanting or expecting something too much can be very hurtful and very pressurizing, so do not live beyond your means or wish the unattainable. Seek your desire, but keep your integrity.