Marriage Counsellor and Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo

We all know that the wounds of betrayal cut deep. The act itself is painful, but it’s the breaking of trust that leaves lasting scars. When someone you love and trust betrays you, it feels like your world is crumbling.

Your sense of security vanishes, and you’re left questioning everything—your partner, your relationship, and even yourself. In these moments of profound hurt, one question often looms large: Can you truly forgive the person who hurt you?

Eminent marriage counselor and relationship counselor, in Delhi and Gurgaon, Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares her thoughts on the topic.

Forgiveness is more than just saying “I forgive you.” It’s a personal decision to let go of anger and the desire to punish someone who has betrayed your trust. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you approve of their actions or let them off the hook for what they did. It also doesn’t mean you should forget what happened or stop holding them accountable.

Instead, forgiveness is about choosing not to hold onto grudges or resentment. This process can be important for your own well-being and can help rebuild trust in the relationship. While you may still worry about the possibility of being hurt again, forgiveness can pave the way for better communication, understanding, and stability in the relationship.

What are the Ways to Try Forgiving Your Partner?

Relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo, says some of the ways to forgive your partner are:

Face the Fact

Perhaps the first and foremost step in forgiving your partner is to face the truth head-on. Acknowledge that betrayal has occurred. There is no point in denying the fact. Embrace the reality of the situation without falling into denial.

Accepting the betrayal allows you to start processing the emotions and understanding what went wrong. This step is essential for moving forward; it paves the way for healing by helping you confront the pain and begin to work through it. Only by accepting the truth can you truly begin the journey of forgiveness.

Be Honest to Your Feelings

Be true to yourself and acknowledge all your emotions—anger, disappointment, or pain. It’s normal to feel these things after a betrayal. Allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of trust and the relationship. Don’t bottle up your feelings; express them openly. Reflect on how the betrayal has affected you and communicate these feelings to your partner. Both partners should share their emotions to foster understanding and healing.

Analyse The Root Cause

Before you reach a conclusion, it is essential to understand and analyze the root cause. Try to find out the reason for the betrayal. Reflect on what led to this moment and whether unresolved issues or unspoken feelings contributed. Both partners need to be honest and open, avoiding blame or insults. Remember, the goal is to work together towards healing, not to attack each other.

Candid Conversation

Always remember that words can heal as well as hurt. If you choose to forgive your partner, open communication is essential. This means not just talking but truly listening to each other. Both partners must be ready to share their feelings, fears, and concerns honestly.

Discuss what led to the betrayal and what changes are needed to prevent it in the future. It’s important to focus on learning from past mistakes rather than dwelling on them. Set new expectations and boundaries together, and be transparent about everything. Keeping promises and meeting expectations are vital for rebuilding trust and moving forward.

Patience

Time can be a powerful healer, though it often demands patience. Rebuilding trust after betrayal is not an overnight process; it requires steady, consistent efforts from both partners. The one who betrayed must show through their actions, not just words, that they are truly committed to change.

This means going the extra mile to demonstrate reliability and honesty but remember, meaningful change takes time. The hurt partner must stay positive and believe in their partner’s genuine efforts, understanding that rebuilding trust involves ongoing commitment. Both partners need to work together with patience, believing that, over time, their relationship can be mended and strengthened.

Sometimes, rebuilding a relationship after betrayal involves facing the truth, acknowledging your feelings, and understanding the root cause. Open, honest communication and patience are key. Forgiveness is about letting go of grudges and working together to rebuild trust. Though challenging, it can lead to deeper understanding and a stronger bond.

Dealing with an angry partner can be challenging, but it is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Anger, if not handled properly, can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and a breakdown in communication. However, by approaching the situation with care and understanding, you can not only diffuse the immediate tension but also foster a deeper connection and trust between you and your partner.

What are some of the ways to deal with when your partner is angry?

Here are five relationship tips to help you navigate this difficult situation and strengthen your bond, ensuring that your relationship remains resilient and supportive even in times of conflict as explained by one of the leading couples therapists in Delhi, Shivani Misri Sadhoo.

1. Listen Actively and Empathetically

When your partner is angry, the first step is to listen actively. Show that you are genuinely interested in understanding their perspective. This involves:

• Maintaining eye contact: This shows you are present and paying attention.
• Nodding or using verbal acknowledgments: Small affirmations like “I see” or “I understand” can help.
• Reflecting back: Paraphrase what they are saying to ensure you understand and to show that you are listening. For example, “It sounds like you are upset because…”

2. Stay Calm and Composed

It is crucial to remain calm when your partner is angry. Reacting with anger will only escalate the situation. Here’s how you can keep your cool:

• Take deep breaths: This can help you stay calm and focused.
• Use a calm tone of voice: Speaking softly and slowly can help de-escalate the situation.
• Pause before responding: Give yourself a moment to process what they have said and to think about your response.

3. Validate Their Feelings

Validation is about acknowledging your partner’s emotions without necessarily agreeing with their point of view. This can help them feel heard and understood:

• Express empathy: Say things like, “I can see why you feel that way” or “I understand that this situation is frustrating for you.”
• Avoid dismissing their feelings: Don’t say things like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal.”

4. Seek to Understand the Root Cause

Often, the surface issue is not the real problem. Try to dig deeper to understand what is truly bothering your partner:

• Ask open-ended questions: Questions like “What’s really bothering you about this?” can help uncover the root cause.
• Look for patterns: Is this a recurring issue? Understanding patterns can help address underlying problems.

5. Offer Solutions and Compromise

Once you understand the issue, work together to find a solution. This shows that you are committed to resolving the conflict and improving the relationship:

• Brainstorm together: Ask your partner what they think might help resolve the issue.
• Be willing to compromise: Find a middle ground that works for both of you.
• Follow through: Make sure to act on any promises or agreements made during the discussion.

Additional Tips

• Give Space if Needed: Sometimes, your partner might need time alone to cool down. Respect their need for space and revisit the conversation later.
• Reflect on Your Own Behavior: Consider if your actions may have contributed to your partner’s anger and how you can change them in the future.
• Seek Professional Help: If anger and conflicts are frequent, consider seeking help from a relationship counselor or therapist.

By listening actively, staying calm, validating feelings, understanding the root cause, and offering solutions, you can effectively deal with your partner’s anger and build a stronger, healthier relationship. Remember, every couple faces conflicts, but how you handle them can make all the difference.