The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

When we are in a relationship with a person, we have an additional bond with that person with all humanity. Imagine the bond to be a very strong silver code that ties, two people together. Because we are “suckers for punishment”. It literally sucks us back to the person until we either realize that we no longer need them and move on.

Psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo says identify an abusive partner else it becomes way too late. An abusive partner is insidious and slowly consumes away your confidence and self-esteem. Where the impacts are for the long term may be life long and might take even longer to recover. One should never willingly enter into an abusive relationship, even when someone close to you warns, what they can see but you cannot.

This blog by India’s leading psychologist and counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo discusses abuse and why some people still love a person who has abused them.

Abuse is Common

More than 3 Million incidents of partner’s violence are reported each year, including both a man and a woman. 1/3rd of women and 1/4th of men have experienced some sort of interpersonal violence and for one-fourth of women and one-seventh of men, it’s severe.

A woman gets physically beaten or assaulted every 9 seconds.

20 persons are abused by their intimate partner each minute, adding about 10 million every year.

Some Facts About Abusers

Both men and women can be victims. If someone you love says they’ve been the victim of domestic or emotional violence, you should believe and support them, since no gender is safe and no amount of physical strength or emotional fortitude protect against abuse.

·         Usually, abuse takes place behind closed doors.

·         Abusers blame the victim.

·         Violence is proceeded by verbal abuse.

·         Abusers deny their actions.

·         The abuser desires to be correct and in control.

·         The abuser is possessive and could try to isolate their partner from friends or family.

·         The abuser is hypersensitive and could react with rage.

·         Two-thirds of violence perpetrators have been into bad addiction.

You may not realize that abusers feel powerless. They never act insecure to hide the truth. One common thing is that their motive is to have power over their victim. To them, communication is a win-lose game.

Reasons Why One Still Loves an Abuser

There are some reasons why one still loves an abuser. One of the points one raises is that falling in love is natural. So, if somehow things go awful. It does not mean that they should leave the abuser. Thoughts like forgiveness and kindness rule the course. Let us take some of the reasons why one still loves an abuser?

Being Refused to Survive

If one was not treated with respect in his/her family and has low self-esteem, he/she will tend to deny the abuse. Often thoughts cross probably I deserve the same. And blaming oneself is often easy stating probably it’s your own fault. And the life without that person has no meaning.

Projection, Glorification and Recurrence Compulsion

Sometimes thoughts of unpleasant childhood run amok. Maybe if the abuser reminds you of one of your parents. Then thinking liking probably now you can mend the things keeps on running in your mind. You end up believing that this could be the time of redeeming your overall past and secure a future.

The Cycle

Just like a fact that a honeymoon cannot go on forever. Similarly, you get yourself in a trap believing the one or two incidents of being abused will not be repeated. This gives you the belief that you can stay together.


Many people feel that having empathy with an abuser will help things to go better. However, in doing so one often ignores empathy for himself/herself. As a result, you start to deny the fact that you are living with pain.

These are often some of the reasons that force one to stay with an abuser. Even if there is a repeated offense.

What to Do

If one is being mentally and emotionally abused, believe your gut instincts. Know that it is not correct and you do not need to live this way. Otherwise, your options come down to the specifics of your circumstances.

·         Accept that the abuse isn’t your responsibility.

·         Disengage and set personal boundaries.

·         Exit the relationship or circumstances.

·         Give yourself time to heal.

·         If you feel you are in violent, controlling, a co-dependent or abusive relationship or want to get recovery from such a relationship contact.

Your Counselor Is Now Just Skype/Video Call Away

During the current challenging time, it’s common to experience anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, and relationship challenges at home. While you are under lockdown and maintaining social distancing norms to help the country to control COVID-19 spread, your very own counsellor Shivani is now just a call and Skype video call away from you.

However, in this age of coronavirus, we hope to offer our therapeutic help. Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high. 

You may find, telepsychology isn’t a second-rate option. Instead, it’s an effective and efficient upgrade to a valuable service! 

Feel free to call Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo at +91-8860875040 for telephonic or video support and to book an online counselling session to address any relationship issues, emotional and psychological challenges.

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